HAPPY NEW YEAR beloved cybspacians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's been a crazy end of the year, but full of love and family. I just got back from my Aunt's. Her family is completely zany and full of shouting laughter. I love them so much. They are warm, intelligent, hysterically funny, thoughtful, and hospitable. I desperately wanted to stay longer, but I have to work tomorrow (Somehow, I ended up working Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day...) I work tomorrow because I had to get Monday off to spend with my niece and nephew. My parents took them for a stretch of five days and I knew I had to be there to help. They are quite a handful. I'm completely worn out, but I must say that it was worth it.
The neighbors, of the loudest bass, are out in full swing... laughing loudly too. I was hoping beyond all hopes the weather would deter them, but they're still outside on the porch YELLING. I think it's the intoxication.
And anyway, I never sleep well on New Year's Eve. I have troubles with resolution and endings. I hate endings. They wake the Sehnsucht in me or as C. S. Lewis (yes him again) says, the "inconsolable secret" or the "desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience" (From the Weight of Glory).
I also like to think deeply about my resolutions. New beginnings and second chances cannot be taken for granted. I've been thinking hard (as usual) about my life and finally feel ready to make changes. I was really laid low by the legalism of the church and religion in the last 3 or 4 years. It drove me to break many good habits and indulge in a general moral laziness. I've come back to the proper place now and want to engage my will again. Discipline and routine sound pleasing in the way exercise sounds pleasing. I know they will make me feel healthier and happier. The thing about Christianity is... it truly involves the whole person = body, mind, and will.
C. S. Lewis writes,
“Love in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people.”
We cannot just aspire to love people, feel good feelings about them, etc. We must exercise our will and actions to follow. So it is with ourselves. However, we must come to this place on our own. God gave us free will after all. We must allow each other to come to these conclusions themselves. There is so much preaching to "better oneself". It is not that we must better ourselves, but that we must grow into our potential. After all, we are "gods and goddesses"
“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” (Who else? C. S. Lewis)
So anyway, I would like to resolve, to write more, paint more, learn more, and study more... all under the realm of bringing in God's kingdom. And in order to make room for that. I'm canceling my Netflix (or severely shortening allowance for watching periods). I feel a great deal (being highly sensitive) and can no longer allow myself to numb it through escapism and fantasy. I must live in the real and now.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
Block
Hullo my dear deserted WWWians (that's short for world wide webians)
I haven't forsaken you. Just taken a bit of a hiatus... or it's felt more like a Sabbatical. I've had time to rest and renew... and of course I've soaked up enough thoughts to expunge here.
I feel sort of bad for you. I started out this blog very logically and presentably. But as this blog was always for myself to practice and continue my writing/thinking... it became more of a crazy conglomeration of less provocative and professional (can those belong in the same sentence?) ramblings. Still, I feel somewhat braced because I have at least stayed authentic to myself. If I really wanted to be popular, I would fashion a blog that had more of a congruence to it. I would talk about current culture... fashion, food, gardening, or the like. But I'm afraid I'm much too scattered and full of life for that. I could never formulate too much routine in my life. In the end, I think I'm one of those demented arty types.
Hahaha. I have to confess, I finally got around to watching The Decoy Bride on Netflix... as I had been advised at least twice by my friends. That's where I'm endeavoring for some glue to hold this post together. As hard as I try not to be, I'm always half in love with the United Kingdom as a whole. At any rate, today was a day where I ended up on top of the roof. I'm rather fond of climbing on things. Always was. My mother used to refer to me as a monkey and had to resort to strapping me into the grocery carts. And my grandmother gradually stopped worrying about me perched precariously on things. Sorry rabbit trail. So I was sitting on the roof watching this magnificent sunset (it's the balmiest December ever), when I realized that living alone has been extremely good for my soul and creativity. I think I've had writer's block for quite some time (hence the subject title) and it's all other people's fault. Harsh. Just kidding of course.
I do think this period of isolation is giving me back some of my original imagination and creativity back (probably not entirely a good thing... since I used to pretend I was stuck on earth and Luke Skywalker was going to rescue me). I was quite a lonely child. I grew up without siblings around (as my sibling is quite elderly... I say that merely because it will make him quite grumpy even though he'll never actually read this). So I was that child... the one that talked to imaginary friends. It was my great solace to know that I could always be part of the inner circle at least in my own world. C. S. Lewis (still trending love for the UK) spoke brilliantly about a phenomenon called the Inner Ring. You can read about it here http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring.php
If you do your reading what I have to say next will make more sense, but even if you don't I imagine you can understand well enough what I'm referring to. I've always been lured by the desire to be part of the Inner Ring. It is a desire that I must break before it breaks me. For as Lewis says "As long as you are governed by that desire you will never get what you want. You are trying to peel an onion: if you succeed there will be nothing left. Until you conquer the fear of being an outsider, an outsider you will remain" Everyone struggles with this... some are more self-aware than others. I see it in my family, extended family, friends, generation, American culture, and especially in the rapidly burgeoning world of social media. It's a bit terrifying and it prompts me to want to ring the bells of warning.
But mostly I must ring them for myself. The difficulty in being creative... and also needing to be in the Inner Ring... is the risk of prostituting oneself for recognition. It is something I dread fearfully. I do not yet know how to tread the line of giving all of oneself without needing anything in return. I am still concave with longingness (grins). And perhaps this is a secret of the universe I will not know until I see the face of God. I just pray I will not fall trap to the hamster treadmill of *bootstraps achievement and acclaim. I want to create and belong... but not to create in order to belong. I do not want to be loved for what I can do, write, imagine, conjure up... but because I am who I am... even on terribly bad days where I have appalling writer's block or get irrationally mad at alcohol's existence.
*bootstraps refers to the idea that one has pulled oneself by one's own bootstraps... it does not play well with grace or humility.
I haven't forsaken you. Just taken a bit of a hiatus... or it's felt more like a Sabbatical. I've had time to rest and renew... and of course I've soaked up enough thoughts to expunge here.
I feel sort of bad for you. I started out this blog very logically and presentably. But as this blog was always for myself to practice and continue my writing/thinking... it became more of a crazy conglomeration of less provocative and professional (can those belong in the same sentence?) ramblings. Still, I feel somewhat braced because I have at least stayed authentic to myself. If I really wanted to be popular, I would fashion a blog that had more of a congruence to it. I would talk about current culture... fashion, food, gardening, or the like. But I'm afraid I'm much too scattered and full of life for that. I could never formulate too much routine in my life. In the end, I think I'm one of those demented arty types.
Hahaha. I have to confess, I finally got around to watching The Decoy Bride on Netflix... as I had been advised at least twice by my friends. That's where I'm endeavoring for some glue to hold this post together. As hard as I try not to be, I'm always half in love with the United Kingdom as a whole. At any rate, today was a day where I ended up on top of the roof. I'm rather fond of climbing on things. Always was. My mother used to refer to me as a monkey and had to resort to strapping me into the grocery carts. And my grandmother gradually stopped worrying about me perched precariously on things. Sorry rabbit trail. So I was sitting on the roof watching this magnificent sunset (it's the balmiest December ever), when I realized that living alone has been extremely good for my soul and creativity. I think I've had writer's block for quite some time (hence the subject title) and it's all other people's fault. Harsh. Just kidding of course.
I do think this period of isolation is giving me back some of my original imagination and creativity back (probably not entirely a good thing... since I used to pretend I was stuck on earth and Luke Skywalker was going to rescue me). I was quite a lonely child. I grew up without siblings around (as my sibling is quite elderly... I say that merely because it will make him quite grumpy even though he'll never actually read this). So I was that child... the one that talked to imaginary friends. It was my great solace to know that I could always be part of the inner circle at least in my own world. C. S. Lewis (still trending love for the UK) spoke brilliantly about a phenomenon called the Inner Ring. You can read about it here http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring.php
If you do your reading what I have to say next will make more sense, but even if you don't I imagine you can understand well enough what I'm referring to. I've always been lured by the desire to be part of the Inner Ring. It is a desire that I must break before it breaks me. For as Lewis says "As long as you are governed by that desire you will never get what you want. You are trying to peel an onion: if you succeed there will be nothing left. Until you conquer the fear of being an outsider, an outsider you will remain" Everyone struggles with this... some are more self-aware than others. I see it in my family, extended family, friends, generation, American culture, and especially in the rapidly burgeoning world of social media. It's a bit terrifying and it prompts me to want to ring the bells of warning.
But mostly I must ring them for myself. The difficulty in being creative... and also needing to be in the Inner Ring... is the risk of prostituting oneself for recognition. It is something I dread fearfully. I do not yet know how to tread the line of giving all of oneself without needing anything in return. I am still concave with longingness (grins). And perhaps this is a secret of the universe I will not know until I see the face of God. I just pray I will not fall trap to the hamster treadmill of *bootstraps achievement and acclaim. I want to create and belong... but not to create in order to belong. I do not want to be loved for what I can do, write, imagine, conjure up... but because I am who I am... even on terribly bad days where I have appalling writer's block or get irrationally mad at alcohol's existence.
*bootstraps refers to the idea that one has pulled oneself by one's own bootstraps... it does not play well with grace or humility.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Reflections
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| Photo credit: Me |
Frankly, it felt more like December in November... when this picture was taken. That reminds me... I wanted to share the "great phone miracle". Remember how I lost my snow in that crazy storm on the way to work? Well two weeks later, my parents got a call. A nice lady named Rachel had found the phone, across the street (where it had evidently been plowed), charged it up, and left a message. It's shockingly surprising both that an honest person found it and that it wasn't killed by being plowed across the street! I haven't gone back to using it, because it really is great to have a break from being glued to it... and it's so much more frugal! But I have to admit it gave me hope for greater things in my life. You know I've been in kind of a rut for a while. There are a culmination of things working against me. Sometimes it seems I'll be forever stuck in an unfulfilling state doing small things that don't seem to make any difference in the world.... or that I'll never survive this doctoral program I'm in. The miraculous recovery of the phone reminded me that things that are seemingly impossible (like a phone not getting completely obliterated by being plowed from one side of the road to the other) are not.
Anyway, I still have a killer two days to get through with defending my research proposal and also presenting it before our stakeholders to convince them to buy into it. But for now, I'm sitting peacefully in my living room, drinking honey sweetened chamomile tea, listening to my folk song mix, creating my yearly calendar gift for my brother and sister-in-law. It involves a lot of mindless exacting work... since I have to painstakingly stick on all the numbers... lol. Perhaps I should be practicing for my presentations, but it's good to take some time to be still.
I don't really feel like myself unless I'm creating something. Sometimes I feel like part of myself has been buried until people's negative accusations of myself or my emotions. Sometimes I even feel like one of those famous women poets who is going to go mad or end up in the grave too early. But that's not who I am. In the most lucid moments lit by God's life, I remember He created me to be someone who likewise creates... and creates life-giving situations, gifts, time, etc. People often sense the spiritual side of me. Once I had a man come up and tell me the Holy Spirit was strong in me and he hoped I would pray over him. Sometimes I worry my spirit has been crushed by trouble. But this lonely season has been a time to regenerate that spirit. I needed it - the solitude. I've been too reliant on other people. I'm prone to depend on others and seek their approval. Somehow I forget that. I have to be reminded.
I feel like God is pulling me on the hand trying to draw me into a gleaming place of riches... and I am looking forward to seeing what he has in store. It is more hope than I have had in a few years. Solo deo gloria.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Upswing
Greetings dearly beloved cyberspacerians,
With honey chamomile in hand,
I would like to report a few things to treasure closely for darker days
1) A moment of rapturous glory. A lake of molten blue ruffled by a stiff breeze. Birds glimmering through a sky of softer sapphire - their white bellies capturing the light to reflect silver gleams. The strong pine tree and the startling white of the slender birch.
2) The warm hand of the sun to lean into and the whisper of how beloved I am
3) Remembering who I am and all that is possible. Remembering the taste of joy... and the laughter as it fills my mouth
4) Going to get my hair cut and getting a surprise hand massage in addition to the regular head and back relaxation treatment. Also, having multiple people work on me at one time (to get the job done on time) made me feel rather like a queen.
5) Being called beautiful in three different ways... once by the stylists over my hair, once by the receptionist as I paid about my smile, and once after I dressed up for dinner and actually did my makeup. After feeling (and seriously looking) like death all week, it was a treat.
Although one part of me struggles and thinks it's wrong to need words of affirmation... the other part of me realizes how much I've missed people appreciating parts of me. It may be superficial, but we all need to be admired and appreciated in various ways.
With honey chamomile in hand,
I would like to report a few things to treasure closely for darker days
1) A moment of rapturous glory. A lake of molten blue ruffled by a stiff breeze. Birds glimmering through a sky of softer sapphire - their white bellies capturing the light to reflect silver gleams. The strong pine tree and the startling white of the slender birch.
2) The warm hand of the sun to lean into and the whisper of how beloved I am
3) Remembering who I am and all that is possible. Remembering the taste of joy... and the laughter as it fills my mouth
4) Going to get my hair cut and getting a surprise hand massage in addition to the regular head and back relaxation treatment. Also, having multiple people work on me at one time (to get the job done on time) made me feel rather like a queen.
5) Being called beautiful in three different ways... once by the stylists over my hair, once by the receptionist as I paid about my smile, and once after I dressed up for dinner and actually did my makeup. After feeling (and seriously looking) like death all week, it was a treat.
Although one part of me struggles and thinks it's wrong to need words of affirmation... the other part of me realizes how much I've missed people appreciating parts of me. It may be superficial, but we all need to be admired and appreciated in various ways.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Charyn
My mother puts me to shame. She's had this horrifying sickness that she passed over to me on Thanksgiving Break. I know... I'm so thankful! (That's cynicism if you didn't catch it in the text). It's reduced me to taking work off which I know she never resorted to. Granted, I called it pink eye which is highly contagious and of course I'm not allowed to work with pink eye as a nurse. So maybe my mom did have to quit work for a day or so. At any rate, it's one of those woeful lingering diseases. I'm not sure how she managed to put on Thanksgiving dinner and entertain my whole family while feeling this awful. But! In all the awfulness, I managed to finish the Lumatere series I never realized was a series.
In the last book, the characters bring out the phrase "seeing on the side of wonder". I think it's a fantastic concept. It reminded me to have hope even though it's been a rough week. The problem with having one's immune system down... is that one loses serotonin and endorphins by the gallon. I tried to exercise Monday because I felt someone tug on the plug to my Happy... but my body completely shut me down. Body 1: Lizzie:0. It was pretty ugly. Now I realize, it was because my body had all the troops rallied against Mr. Sap-sucking Disease.
At any rate, I've been in grad school for the last three years with the most ridiculous situation that repeats itself. If there's one thing that truly incites depression... it's feeling stuck. You can be trod on for so long... and then your spirit begins to lose hope. I've had a single continuing project for the last three years that keeps slamming in my face in the same manner. I feel alone, scared, inadequate, and confused most of the time. It's entirely depressing. But! Every day I'm one step closer to it being over. I may feel horrendously stuck, but I have to remind myself that there is a forseeable end. And. The real moral of the story is... there is always an end in sight. Most of us can keep that in mind. But some of us lose the ability to "see the side of wonder". We look at our surroundings and get trapped in our skins. We feel the sides of various oppression crushing in... and think "The only way out is death. Please let me go to sleep and never wake up". It is to you and sometimes myself, that I proclaim the truth! There is always a way out. And it is never death.
Sometimes you must forget yourself and allow someone to extract you from yourself. When you hover outside your skin... it is there you can see the bigger picture and know there is a way out. Sometimes, you need to stop fighting the immediate thing crushing you, and back away. You need to back out of the moment, the hour, the day, the week, the month, the year, the years. This is the only way you'll be able to remember... Hope is always possible.
If Jesus really did rise from the dead... then life can come out of death
Health from sickness
Joy from despair
All the impossibles can be made possible
That's the good news.
In the last book, the characters bring out the phrase "seeing on the side of wonder". I think it's a fantastic concept. It reminded me to have hope even though it's been a rough week. The problem with having one's immune system down... is that one loses serotonin and endorphins by the gallon. I tried to exercise Monday because I felt someone tug on the plug to my Happy... but my body completely shut me down. Body 1: Lizzie:0. It was pretty ugly. Now I realize, it was because my body had all the troops rallied against Mr. Sap-sucking Disease.
At any rate, I've been in grad school for the last three years with the most ridiculous situation that repeats itself. If there's one thing that truly incites depression... it's feeling stuck. You can be trod on for so long... and then your spirit begins to lose hope. I've had a single continuing project for the last three years that keeps slamming in my face in the same manner. I feel alone, scared, inadequate, and confused most of the time. It's entirely depressing. But! Every day I'm one step closer to it being over. I may feel horrendously stuck, but I have to remind myself that there is a forseeable end. And. The real moral of the story is... there is always an end in sight. Most of us can keep that in mind. But some of us lose the ability to "see the side of wonder". We look at our surroundings and get trapped in our skins. We feel the sides of various oppression crushing in... and think "The only way out is death. Please let me go to sleep and never wake up". It is to you and sometimes myself, that I proclaim the truth! There is always a way out. And it is never death.
Sometimes you must forget yourself and allow someone to extract you from yourself. When you hover outside your skin... it is there you can see the bigger picture and know there is a way out. Sometimes, you need to stop fighting the immediate thing crushing you, and back away. You need to back out of the moment, the hour, the day, the week, the month, the year, the years. This is the only way you'll be able to remember... Hope is always possible.
If Jesus really did rise from the dead... then life can come out of death
Health from sickness
Joy from despair
All the impossibles can be made possible
That's the good news.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Serenity
I know I don't usually post on Sundays, because Sabbath is truly for rest.
But I'd like to just pop in a quick post to say I'm not always having drama! So bienvenidos... to the less wacky world of Liz. As I stated in the last post, part of the difficulty in being particularly articulate... is to be able to articulate the extensive experiences of me.
I could keep it all in, but I think that would be extremely unhealthy and rather dishonest. Believe me... sometimes I'd rather just quarantine myself and never let anyone in. But if we are to survive, we must continue to be in relationships. The problem is that communication is a tricky business. We do not go telling everyone everything we think about them. It would be mass chaos and many hurt feelings. However, if we don't speak certain truths, we will eventually explode. How we communicate is the key to every relationship.
I communicate too much of my overwhelming feelings. So... another reason to have a blog. I can communicate in excess and no one will be overwhelmed. It is a little bit embarrassing to be so freely known to a world of unknown beings. But at least I'm not hurting anyone this way.
Anyway, I didn't start this post to discuss this myself or my strange issues. I wanted to speak a few reminders that comfort me when I find myself despairing.
The truth of Christianity is found in the depths of despair, because we find how flimsy all that it is we have done with our hands.
Is you
As long as I have faith in you
You will fix the mistakes I have made
You will heal the wrongs I have done
You will bring to life what is dead
I do not need to be a force for good
I do not need to have the answers
I do not need to be a hero
All I need to be is someone who believes
In you
Life is a lot more simple and free when this is true.
But I'd like to just pop in a quick post to say I'm not always having drama! So bienvenidos... to the less wacky world of Liz. As I stated in the last post, part of the difficulty in being particularly articulate... is to be able to articulate the extensive experiences of me.
I could keep it all in, but I think that would be extremely unhealthy and rather dishonest. Believe me... sometimes I'd rather just quarantine myself and never let anyone in. But if we are to survive, we must continue to be in relationships. The problem is that communication is a tricky business. We do not go telling everyone everything we think about them. It would be mass chaos and many hurt feelings. However, if we don't speak certain truths, we will eventually explode. How we communicate is the key to every relationship.
I communicate too much of my overwhelming feelings. So... another reason to have a blog. I can communicate in excess and no one will be overwhelmed. It is a little bit embarrassing to be so freely known to a world of unknown beings. But at least I'm not hurting anyone this way.
Anyway, I didn't start this post to discuss this myself or my strange issues. I wanted to speak a few reminders that comfort me when I find myself despairing.
The truth of Christianity is found in the depths of despair, because we find how flimsy all that it is we have done with our hands.
I have nothing
No testimony without conflict
No purity untainted
No knowledge uncontested
Nothing but my faith
In you
My strength is not
revealed in success
Or the list things I’ve done right
It is found when all I think I am
Is stripped away
And all that remainsIs you
As long as I have faith in you
You will fix the mistakes I have made
You will heal the wrongs I have done
You will bring to life what is dead
I do not need to be a force for good
I do not need to have the answers
I do not need to be a hero
All I need to be is someone who believes
In you
Life is a lot more simple and free when this is true.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Levity and heartbreak
Hullo beautiful cyberspaciens,
I did not fall off the face of the earth - nor was I particularly busy. I was just plain preoccupied. As much as I'd like to say something thanksgiving-y... all I can think at the moment is "Why is there so much pinging through France on this blog?" According to the blogging website that is. According to my creepy stalking google analytics page, only people from the U.S. ping through. I'm not sure I'm even using proper terminology here... ping... ping... ping...
Is it raining? Is the old man snoring? That's a very depressing song btw. He pretty much sustains a head concussion and dies...
Ok sorry. My brain is rather scattered. I just worked a 12 hour shift... and plan on working another tomorrow. And I'm still trying to arrange family matters. My mom: "I lost your cousin's phone number" Me: "I thought I gave it to you the other night" Mom: "I lost it again! I'm up to my neck in stuff! Can you call her?" So I texted my cousin to tell her that someone would pick her up. I have no idea whom, because someone also has to pick up my Grandmother... and it won't be me because I'm stuck here working!
All I can think is... Good gravy! I need to be home helping my sick mother cook for all these people (she is sick... sounds like a frog).
Meanwhile, I've been trying to recover from a broken heart. No it's not a boy (what is a boy?). No joke. I'm being facetious right now because I'm exhausted but also in better spirits. We're not going to go into details because one should never be too vulnerable on the world wide web of intrigue and hackage, but also because you probably couldn't handle it. That's really the problem. No one seems to be able to handle it. I feel so strongly and I am able to verbalize so poignantly... that people seem to get hurt just listening to me. Apparently I'm a very hurtful person. I've been discovering all the people I've lived closest with are telling me I'm an unhealthy and negative person. Since they are the people I've lived with, I assume they know me pretty well... so they probably have a pretty accurate view of me... which has plunged me down to the utter depths of despair.
So much so... that I've concluded never to speak to another person again of my true feelings (ahahaha). You can see how well that's going. I've been in this position many times. I mentioned the PTSD feelings before. And yet I never learn. I think it's impossible for me to learn. I will always be an open, optimistic, vulnerable person. Though sometimes it causes me to doubt whether that's worth anything and to want to curl up and not move ever again. (Lol... Translation: I'll "always" be open, optimistic, and vulnerable except when I'm despairing, depressed, and closed-mouthed)
Feelings. Drama. Hello walking disaster of emotions!
If I could be less embarrassing or cover up with my paper face... I would. But I can't. I have to be a real person. And this is really me. And if people can't handle that... then I either need to change, or get used to it. It doesn't have to be dramatic. The facts are that I'm a highly sensitive person who is prone to mood swings... but they as predictable as a werewolf... so I can warn people ahead of time. The problem really lies in the fact that I didn't realize the enormity and severity of the issue in years of yore. Normal women have PMS... which is already scary... but I have a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm such a understanding, thoughtful, optimistic, patient person... EXCEPT WHEN I'M NOT. And that's when I'm judgmental, selfish, negative, impatient, and impressively oversensitive. So it's understandable why people have such a conflicted view of me... and probably why they are extra hurt. I am the best and worst friend wrapped up in one person.
Great. (stated with an extremely sarcastic undertone) It's the realistic view. But I'm not sure it helps me feel much better. But I'm learning. There are many things I can do to help... such as
a) eating well
b) exercising
c) sleeping...
Speaking of which. I need to go... so I can wake up in 10 hours and save lives while everyone else eats turkey.
Yours trying to keep her head above the waters,
Mr. Hyde (BEWARE THE JEKYLL!)
I did not fall off the face of the earth - nor was I particularly busy. I was just plain preoccupied. As much as I'd like to say something thanksgiving-y... all I can think at the moment is "Why is there so much pinging through France on this blog?" According to the blogging website that is. According to my creepy stalking google analytics page, only people from the U.S. ping through. I'm not sure I'm even using proper terminology here... ping... ping... ping...
Is it raining? Is the old man snoring? That's a very depressing song btw. He pretty much sustains a head concussion and dies...
Ok sorry. My brain is rather scattered. I just worked a 12 hour shift... and plan on working another tomorrow. And I'm still trying to arrange family matters. My mom: "I lost your cousin's phone number" Me: "I thought I gave it to you the other night" Mom: "I lost it again! I'm up to my neck in stuff! Can you call her?" So I texted my cousin to tell her that someone would pick her up. I have no idea whom, because someone also has to pick up my Grandmother... and it won't be me because I'm stuck here working!
All I can think is... Good gravy! I need to be home helping my sick mother cook for all these people (she is sick... sounds like a frog).
Meanwhile, I've been trying to recover from a broken heart. No it's not a boy (what is a boy?). No joke. I'm being facetious right now because I'm exhausted but also in better spirits. We're not going to go into details because one should never be too vulnerable on the world wide web of intrigue and hackage, but also because you probably couldn't handle it. That's really the problem. No one seems to be able to handle it. I feel so strongly and I am able to verbalize so poignantly... that people seem to get hurt just listening to me. Apparently I'm a very hurtful person. I've been discovering all the people I've lived closest with are telling me I'm an unhealthy and negative person. Since they are the people I've lived with, I assume they know me pretty well... so they probably have a pretty accurate view of me... which has plunged me down to the utter depths of despair.
So much so... that I've concluded never to speak to another person again of my true feelings (ahahaha). You can see how well that's going. I've been in this position many times. I mentioned the PTSD feelings before. And yet I never learn. I think it's impossible for me to learn. I will always be an open, optimistic, vulnerable person. Though sometimes it causes me to doubt whether that's worth anything and to want to curl up and not move ever again. (Lol... Translation: I'll "always" be open, optimistic, and vulnerable except when I'm despairing, depressed, and closed-mouthed)
Feelings. Drama. Hello walking disaster of emotions!
If I could be less embarrassing or cover up with my paper face... I would. But I can't. I have to be a real person. And this is really me. And if people can't handle that... then I either need to change, or get used to it. It doesn't have to be dramatic. The facts are that I'm a highly sensitive person who is prone to mood swings... but they as predictable as a werewolf... so I can warn people ahead of time. The problem really lies in the fact that I didn't realize the enormity and severity of the issue in years of yore. Normal women have PMS... which is already scary... but I have a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm such a understanding, thoughtful, optimistic, patient person... EXCEPT WHEN I'M NOT. And that's when I'm judgmental, selfish, negative, impatient, and impressively oversensitive. So it's understandable why people have such a conflicted view of me... and probably why they are extra hurt. I am the best and worst friend wrapped up in one person.
Great. (stated with an extremely sarcastic undertone) It's the realistic view. But I'm not sure it helps me feel much better. But I'm learning. There are many things I can do to help... such as
a) eating well
b) exercising
c) sleeping...
Speaking of which. I need to go... so I can wake up in 10 hours and save lives while everyone else eats turkey.
Yours trying to keep her head above the waters,
Mr. Hyde (BEWARE THE JEKYLL!)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Winter Wonderland
Hullo folks!
Well. A lot has happened since I last touched base. Most prominently, we've been buried in over a foot of snow the last few days.
Due to the snow, and the fact the plows never get to the side streets, I adventured to work by walking...
And promptly lost my phone in the snow. I have some hormonal imbalances. I probably mentioned them before. Never mind them really since you don't want to know about them... but they SERIOUSLY affect my ability to lose things.
It's awful.
On the other hand, I've been debating whether to ditch my smartphone because a) I watched too much Criminal Minds and know how easily these things can be tracked (Oh serial stalker... please find my phone for me, since I can't) b) I spend way too much time on it. Since my phone is my alarm... it ends up being the first thing I see. Starting your morning with social media is just SO less healthy than starting it with God, or stretching... or breakfast! c) It's SO EXPENSIVE. Gahhh I'm such a looney, but I just can't handle spending the extra amount of money equivalent to what I send to my compassion child monthly for a smartphone. It's just not worth it. I appreciate the GPS. I appreciate being able to look up things on the spur of the moment. But it's not worth all the other problems it causes. Not to mention the temptation to use it while driving.
I can feel my brain cells devolving from smartphone use. I am a creative person. I used to play the piano, engage in swimming, soccer, and ballet, paint, crochet, draw, and write. I was even on an improv team in college! Now I blog. And sometimes run.
Yikes! It's time for a re-wiring of my hardware. So I'll take my losses with joy.
I do hate losing things though. I dug through two blocks of snow piled up half a foot to look for it. I felt like the shepherd looking for the 99th sheep. I can't rest until I find it! I'm still hoping it'll turn up when (IF?) everything melts... even though it'll be completely dead. I'll still be able to hold it and say HA! You can't get away from me! It was a nice reminder for God to pop in and say, "Hey! Remember me? I pursue you in the single minded way you're looking for your phone right now. Don't forget that. I love you"
Thanks God :)
Well. A lot has happened since I last touched base. Most prominently, we've been buried in over a foot of snow the last few days.
Due to the snow, and the fact the plows never get to the side streets, I adventured to work by walking...
And promptly lost my phone in the snow. I have some hormonal imbalances. I probably mentioned them before. Never mind them really since you don't want to know about them... but they SERIOUSLY affect my ability to lose things.
It's awful.
On the other hand, I've been debating whether to ditch my smartphone because a) I watched too much Criminal Minds and know how easily these things can be tracked (Oh serial stalker... please find my phone for me, since I can't) b) I spend way too much time on it. Since my phone is my alarm... it ends up being the first thing I see. Starting your morning with social media is just SO less healthy than starting it with God, or stretching... or breakfast! c) It's SO EXPENSIVE. Gahhh I'm such a looney, but I just can't handle spending the extra amount of money equivalent to what I send to my compassion child monthly for a smartphone. It's just not worth it. I appreciate the GPS. I appreciate being able to look up things on the spur of the moment. But it's not worth all the other problems it causes. Not to mention the temptation to use it while driving.
I can feel my brain cells devolving from smartphone use. I am a creative person. I used to play the piano, engage in swimming, soccer, and ballet, paint, crochet, draw, and write. I was even on an improv team in college! Now I blog. And sometimes run.
Yikes! It's time for a re-wiring of my hardware. So I'll take my losses with joy.
I do hate losing things though. I dug through two blocks of snow piled up half a foot to look for it. I felt like the shepherd looking for the 99th sheep. I can't rest until I find it! I'm still hoping it'll turn up when (IF?) everything melts... even though it'll be completely dead. I'll still be able to hold it and say HA! You can't get away from me! It was a nice reminder for God to pop in and say, "Hey! Remember me? I pursue you in the single minded way you're looking for your phone right now. Don't forget that. I love you"
Thanks God :)
Saturday, November 15, 2014
The message you need to hear today
Life is messy.
It is not black and white. It is a huge inferno of gray.
The same can be said of you. You are not all good or all bad.
This may not seem like a newsflash. Yet I think it is subliminally unrecognized or challenged. I suspect that religion and culture has shaped us to believe otherwise and it is extremely detrimental for several reasons.
In the first most obvious place, it is impossible to thrive and love well if you believe yourself to be a miserable worm of a person who is predisposed to evil. You have to have hope that you can choose what is good and be good.
BUT. If you hold yourself to a perfect standard of goodness, you will be forever shattered every time you make a mistake and find out your capability for what is not good.
In other words, you are a good person, but expect to make a lot of bad mistakes!
To live life joyfully and without cynicism or anger, we must expect ourselves and others to make mistakes... even big mistakes... and still be inherently valuable people.
It is much easier to villify someone who has hurt you than to recognize they made a mistake and are still an amazing person. See culture and media for references. It is even sometimes easier to wallow in your wrongdoing rather than knowing you are meant for something better and moving on. Now perhaps you can see how affected we are by how we think of this issue.
There can be no degrees of holiness or attainment of holiness. There are no saints or sinners... only saints AND sinners... sinnaints perhaps. Hagios or the Greek for holy signifies "separated"
We are all set apart for good... which is God (whether you recognize it or not*) We have already been claimed for what is good - we just need to continually step toward it. And when we slip up and find ourselves in the completely opposite direction, we need not despair - only remember what is good and turn back toward it.
Never mind defining or debating what is good right now. The point is... YOU CAN MAKE MISTAKES AND STILL BE GLORIOUS AND HEROIC
There's a list of biblical "heroes" that reminds us of their mistakes which I love.
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
So do not allow yourself to despair, to become cynical, or to believe you are not good enough. You have already been claimed as good enough and no amount of mistakes will ever change that!
Lots of love,
Liz
*See the dwarves in C. S. Lewis's book The Last Battle.
It is not black and white. It is a huge inferno of gray.
The same can be said of you. You are not all good or all bad.
This may not seem like a newsflash. Yet I think it is subliminally unrecognized or challenged. I suspect that religion and culture has shaped us to believe otherwise and it is extremely detrimental for several reasons.
In the first most obvious place, it is impossible to thrive and love well if you believe yourself to be a miserable worm of a person who is predisposed to evil. You have to have hope that you can choose what is good and be good.
BUT. If you hold yourself to a perfect standard of goodness, you will be forever shattered every time you make a mistake and find out your capability for what is not good.
In other words, you are a good person, but expect to make a lot of bad mistakes!
To live life joyfully and without cynicism or anger, we must expect ourselves and others to make mistakes... even big mistakes... and still be inherently valuable people.
It is much easier to villify someone who has hurt you than to recognize they made a mistake and are still an amazing person. See culture and media for references. It is even sometimes easier to wallow in your wrongdoing rather than knowing you are meant for something better and moving on. Now perhaps you can see how affected we are by how we think of this issue.
There can be no degrees of holiness or attainment of holiness. There are no saints or sinners... only saints AND sinners... sinnaints perhaps. Hagios or the Greek for holy signifies "separated"
We are all set apart for good... which is God (whether you recognize it or not*) We have already been claimed for what is good - we just need to continually step toward it. And when we slip up and find ourselves in the completely opposite direction, we need not despair - only remember what is good and turn back toward it.
Never mind defining or debating what is good right now. The point is... YOU CAN MAKE MISTAKES AND STILL BE GLORIOUS AND HEROIC
There's a list of biblical "heroes" that reminds us of their mistakes which I love.
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
So do not allow yourself to despair, to become cynical, or to believe you are not good enough. You have already been claimed as good enough and no amount of mistakes will ever change that!
Lots of love,
Liz
*See the dwarves in C. S. Lewis's book The Last Battle.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Nursing Informatics
Irony is spouting off your dreams... and then reading about their foundational existence in your Nursing Informatics book the next day.
It's kind of exciting to me. I guess I'm a little behind in the tech world. Ahaha. No surprise there. It's nice to know that other people have connected the dots about how helpful (and hurtful) social media can be to the medical profession.
There are Clin Wikis and interactive health blogs and even a site called "PatientsLikeMe" which involves people sharing experiences with chronic conditions. Apparently there's even an entire world called "Second Life" (SL) where you can literally devise a second life of your own. It is tied into the medical world by providing and exploring opportunities for people with disabilities or amputees.
It's all a little much for me to take in.
I still think my idea is singular because it focuses more on relationships. I don't think anything works without relationships. Unfortunately, they are a lot of work... and I think a lot of people somehow missed that concept. Anyway, the point of any online thing I established would be to connect people to exhort and grow together. Basically, discipleship... to use a very biblical term and scare a lot of you. Hahaha. Come now. How are we going to ever experience transformation and health and wellness unless we work on it together? You all know how easily an exercise program flops when you're by yourself. I wonder if it is possible to rework a better understanding of discipleship online? Probably only if you're a creative writer.
OK I'm not really sure where I'm going with this thought... so I'm going stop procrastinating and get back to my homework.
It's kind of exciting to me. I guess I'm a little behind in the tech world. Ahaha. No surprise there. It's nice to know that other people have connected the dots about how helpful (and hurtful) social media can be to the medical profession.
There are Clin Wikis and interactive health blogs and even a site called "PatientsLikeMe" which involves people sharing experiences with chronic conditions. Apparently there's even an entire world called "Second Life" (SL) where you can literally devise a second life of your own. It is tied into the medical world by providing and exploring opportunities for people with disabilities or amputees.
It's all a little much for me to take in.
I still think my idea is singular because it focuses more on relationships. I don't think anything works without relationships. Unfortunately, they are a lot of work... and I think a lot of people somehow missed that concept. Anyway, the point of any online thing I established would be to connect people to exhort and grow together. Basically, discipleship... to use a very biblical term and scare a lot of you. Hahaha. Come now. How are we going to ever experience transformation and health and wellness unless we work on it together? You all know how easily an exercise program flops when you're by yourself. I wonder if it is possible to rework a better understanding of discipleship online? Probably only if you're a creative writer.
OK I'm not really sure where I'm going with this thought... so I'm going stop procrastinating and get back to my homework.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Ask the doctor
I have a lot of problems with the way healthcare is set up these days.
I also have a huge head full of knowledge on why it is the way it is.
Some days I think my head will explode.
Here's the thing: A lot of the time, people need love more than they need medicine. They need a relationship to keep them healthy, accountable, and alive.
I've always had this crazy dream to start a random hope line... where people can just call to talk things out.
I love working through problems and life with people. If there was a job that involved simply living with people and helping them REALLY LIVE LIFE, I would be so happy.
Since there is no job (and one can argue that it is everyone's job), I endeavor to do this outside of my work in almost all of the relationships I have. I also do this in my job... though there is considerably less time to do it well (one of the numerous issues I have with healthcare).
At any rate, I had a random thought today that I should start an online board: It would be titled #Askthedoctor and it would include both conversation and connection. It could be the start of something that would actually lead to greater relationships and better outcomes. The thing is... it would have to be sue free. I feel that the majority of problems with careers these days... is that everything is a lawsuit in process. How can we care for each other when we're in fear of being prosecuted to oblivion? #Askthedoctor would be more of a relational site than a professional one. It would incorporate professional opinion - but also include corporate findings. People are individual and unique. They can find solace in other people's experiences. This would be a place people could collaborate on specific health issues and also have professional input and explanations behind the input. Providers really need to improve their explanations. I remember the moment I fully realized the entire care practice is built on research. Understanding the reasoning behind decisions and advice doctors make would be so helpful! It would build trust and ability for people to follow through.
Who knows. I'm not a lawyer... who I'm sure could shoot many holes through my idealistic dreams. (Ahaha). But I'll keep dreaming away (at odd hours of the night).
Doctor in training (but not M.D.)
Liz
I also have a huge head full of knowledge on why it is the way it is.
Some days I think my head will explode.
Here's the thing: A lot of the time, people need love more than they need medicine. They need a relationship to keep them healthy, accountable, and alive.
I've always had this crazy dream to start a random hope line... where people can just call to talk things out.
I love working through problems and life with people. If there was a job that involved simply living with people and helping them REALLY LIVE LIFE, I would be so happy.
Since there is no job (and one can argue that it is everyone's job), I endeavor to do this outside of my work in almost all of the relationships I have. I also do this in my job... though there is considerably less time to do it well (one of the numerous issues I have with healthcare).
At any rate, I had a random thought today that I should start an online board: It would be titled #Askthedoctor and it would include both conversation and connection. It could be the start of something that would actually lead to greater relationships and better outcomes. The thing is... it would have to be sue free. I feel that the majority of problems with careers these days... is that everything is a lawsuit in process. How can we care for each other when we're in fear of being prosecuted to oblivion? #Askthedoctor would be more of a relational site than a professional one. It would incorporate professional opinion - but also include corporate findings. People are individual and unique. They can find solace in other people's experiences. This would be a place people could collaborate on specific health issues and also have professional input and explanations behind the input. Providers really need to improve their explanations. I remember the moment I fully realized the entire care practice is built on research. Understanding the reasoning behind decisions and advice doctors make would be so helpful! It would build trust and ability for people to follow through.
Who knows. I'm not a lawyer... who I'm sure could shoot many holes through my idealistic dreams. (Ahaha). But I'll keep dreaming away (at odd hours of the night).
Doctor in training (but not M.D.)
Liz
Screen time
Hi beautiful people,
I know I shouldn't be here. I should be asleep. I should meditating. Sometimes I think that the screen really is going to reach out and suck me into oblivion. The screen time is brutal when you're an online student. I think I'm going slightly insane. One can only study alone for so long. Ridiculously, I've already spent three hours talking with a friend over flower tea while baking pumpkin chocolate chip bread in addition to having sort of socialized at a meeting with my research project team. And yet I'm still starved for company and communication. I'm probably the most ridiculous creature born under the sun.
Anyway, I don't really have anything profound to say, because I'm supposed to be asleep. But here is the insomniac. It's probably because I drank coffee... and after 10am. As an HSP (highly sensitive person if you forgot), it's very dangerous to drink coffee except for at 6am. Also, drinking even one cup of coffee a day affects your fertility. (This falls under things you never wanted to know... and trials of being a medical student).
I believe I've hit my manic stage of the month... where I proceed to make lots of baked goods and believe anything is possible. And don't worry, I'm not actually bipolar, it's all hormonally related (Another thing you really didn't want to know). At least, I thoroughly understand myself. I've given up being sensible though. Writing this blog is entirely nonsensical. My mother would be thoroughly horrified. On one hand, I agree with her (having been raised by her) being transparent on public ground is rather horrifying. But on the other hand, I simply can't see any point in being anything other than yourself... and being me entails being open and authentic all the time. I also think that the Internet with all its vast potentially corrupt reaches has an inordinate amount of possibilities and redemption to help and connect people... if we do it correctly. So I'll keep doing my crazy thing here - a genuine representation of zany everyday life with a dash of encouragement and lots of lumpy, chaotic mess.
Love, Liz
I know I shouldn't be here. I should be asleep. I should meditating. Sometimes I think that the screen really is going to reach out and suck me into oblivion. The screen time is brutal when you're an online student. I think I'm going slightly insane. One can only study alone for so long. Ridiculously, I've already spent three hours talking with a friend over flower tea while baking pumpkin chocolate chip bread in addition to having sort of socialized at a meeting with my research project team. And yet I'm still starved for company and communication. I'm probably the most ridiculous creature born under the sun.
Anyway, I don't really have anything profound to say, because I'm supposed to be asleep. But here is the insomniac. It's probably because I drank coffee... and after 10am. As an HSP (highly sensitive person if you forgot), it's very dangerous to drink coffee except for at 6am. Also, drinking even one cup of coffee a day affects your fertility. (This falls under things you never wanted to know... and trials of being a medical student).
I believe I've hit my manic stage of the month... where I proceed to make lots of baked goods and believe anything is possible. And don't worry, I'm not actually bipolar, it's all hormonally related (Another thing you really didn't want to know). At least, I thoroughly understand myself. I've given up being sensible though. Writing this blog is entirely nonsensical. My mother would be thoroughly horrified. On one hand, I agree with her (having been raised by her) being transparent on public ground is rather horrifying. But on the other hand, I simply can't see any point in being anything other than yourself... and being me entails being open and authentic all the time. I also think that the Internet with all its vast potentially corrupt reaches has an inordinate amount of possibilities and redemption to help and connect people... if we do it correctly. So I'll keep doing my crazy thing here - a genuine representation of zany everyday life with a dash of encouragement and lots of lumpy, chaotic mess.
Love, Liz
Friday, November 7, 2014
Owl be back!
It's way too late for me to be up writing,
But I just had to say... today was superb (aside from me being ridiculously exhausted). I completed the spur of the moment book for my niece that I wrote and illustrated in two days (since I have to miss her birthday party... due to work). My mom (the teacher) suspects she has sensory issues... so I kind of wanted to make a book that she could relate to and that was also empowering. She loves princesses... and owls are really cute. So I ended up rewriting the Princess and the Pea as "The Owl Princess and the Pine cone". Also the hero in the story is NOT a prince. It's the princess's wise old Aunt (ahahahaha... I see what you did there Liz...)
I also visited my grandmother. I really enjoy spending time with people. Have you noticed? I almost cried though... silly me. I so badly want to place my child in her arms. It's bad enough I lost my grandfather... as complex a man as he was (Don't get me started on family dysfunction). I really want her to be able to hold my first child at least. I'm so lucky to be close to my grandmother and my family. I love that my mum's whole side of the family still gets together for Christmas. Family is so important. It's one of the reasons I'll probably be stuck here forever. As much as I want to run wild all over the country (not to mention the world), I can't imagine a life where I was inaccessible to them... and I don't just mean inaccessible communicably (since cyberspace makes almost everywhere accessible)... I mean inaccessibly physically.
OK I really need to sleep so I can go be nursely tomorrow. Counter to what you're taught in college... critical thinking does actually require sleep!
Lucky Liz
But I just had to say... today was superb (aside from me being ridiculously exhausted). I completed the spur of the moment book for my niece that I wrote and illustrated in two days (since I have to miss her birthday party... due to work). My mom (the teacher) suspects she has sensory issues... so I kind of wanted to make a book that she could relate to and that was also empowering. She loves princesses... and owls are really cute. So I ended up rewriting the Princess and the Pea as "The Owl Princess and the Pine cone". Also the hero in the story is NOT a prince. It's the princess's wise old Aunt (ahahahaha... I see what you did there Liz...)
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| Copyright: ME |
I also visited my grandmother. I really enjoy spending time with people. Have you noticed? I almost cried though... silly me. I so badly want to place my child in her arms. It's bad enough I lost my grandfather... as complex a man as he was (Don't get me started on family dysfunction). I really want her to be able to hold my first child at least. I'm so lucky to be close to my grandmother and my family. I love that my mum's whole side of the family still gets together for Christmas. Family is so important. It's one of the reasons I'll probably be stuck here forever. As much as I want to run wild all over the country (not to mention the world), I can't imagine a life where I was inaccessible to them... and I don't just mean inaccessible communicably (since cyberspace makes almost everywhere accessible)... I mean inaccessibly physically.
OK I really need to sleep so I can go be nursely tomorrow. Counter to what you're taught in college... critical thinking does actually require sleep!
Lucky Liz
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Rainy day
Hello beautiful people of cyberspace!
No I have not been murdered! Though my absence from the blogspace does seem to have made the site more popular. Oh yes! I track everything that goes through my site. Who knows... I could be hacker extraordinaire! *as evil a chuckle as I can muster up*
OK... not so much. Anyway, it's not that I haven't been thinking, but there's only so much thinking one can do and actually get somewhere. A lot of thinking ends up being repetitive. I decided there was no point in putting you through that. While I do think the blog should be a truthful reflection of humdrum me, I also don't want you to have to read through lists of things I've done every day... which is what ends up happening if I'm extremely tired or having a mind blank.
At any rate, I've been having a little bit PTSD. I've been hurt by several individuals and an entire community. You could say it's my own fault for being idealistic and oversensitive. At least, that's what I imagine all these people say behind my backs (oooo freudian typing slip... I only have one back I promise! And I don't have multiple personality disorder... though, I have been accused of having borderline personality disorder). Do you know the worst part of having your mental state questioned? It's not the anguish and hurt cast by other people's suspicions. It's when you start questioning yourself.
I think that I have every right to be angry and hurt in the way I've been treated, but because I have been accused of not knowing my own mind and "needing more help", I sometimes don't know if I can function because I can't process the hurt or anger without doubting myself. I'm in a stalemate which predisposes one to spiral into depression.
My PTSD occurred when I was dealing with a patient who actually had borderline personality disorder. I was trying to explain why it's so difficult to deal with a person who has BPD, when I looked up the description of the disorder and was completely paralyzed. It's a funny thing when you're truthful with yourself. You can look at any disorder and say... oh that's true of me.
The thing is... these disorders are true of ALL of us. We're dysfunctional in a myriad of ways. But it isn't our identity. You can't really even be diagnosed of a disorder unless it's affecting your work and relationships. So maybe it happened in one relationship, but I have many more that have lasted since the 4th grade. I've held the same job for 5 years. I survived college and am surviving grad school (mostly... lol). And yes... I have issues, but I'm learning how to deal with them well. Just because one person thinks I need help, should not override the other 30 people who think I'm reacting normally. The scariest thing is letting people back in. If this happened with one person who I was close with... what are the odds that if I let people in again they'll all come to the same conclusion? My trust has been completely shattered. I don't know how to rebuild. So I sit and watch Criminal Minds... which is entirely counterproductive because it's a slew of psychologically disturbed criminals.
So that's me right now (large fake grin). It's not so bad today. I'm moving forward. I just have little setbacks when the PTSD cripples me. Is it silly to have PTSD over emotional wounds? Probably. But it's worth it to be able to show you that you are not alone, that real people do experience a slew of psychological issues without ever being crazy, that accusations do not have to make up your identity. The point of the blog is to show you that people can be real, messy, strong, and wonderful all at the same time.
Love,
Liz
#reallifeismessy
No I have not been murdered! Though my absence from the blogspace does seem to have made the site more popular. Oh yes! I track everything that goes through my site. Who knows... I could be hacker extraordinaire! *as evil a chuckle as I can muster up*
OK... not so much. Anyway, it's not that I haven't been thinking, but there's only so much thinking one can do and actually get somewhere. A lot of thinking ends up being repetitive. I decided there was no point in putting you through that. While I do think the blog should be a truthful reflection of humdrum me, I also don't want you to have to read through lists of things I've done every day... which is what ends up happening if I'm extremely tired or having a mind blank.
At any rate, I've been having a little bit PTSD. I've been hurt by several individuals and an entire community. You could say it's my own fault for being idealistic and oversensitive. At least, that's what I imagine all these people say behind my backs (oooo freudian typing slip... I only have one back I promise! And I don't have multiple personality disorder... though, I have been accused of having borderline personality disorder). Do you know the worst part of having your mental state questioned? It's not the anguish and hurt cast by other people's suspicions. It's when you start questioning yourself.
I think that I have every right to be angry and hurt in the way I've been treated, but because I have been accused of not knowing my own mind and "needing more help", I sometimes don't know if I can function because I can't process the hurt or anger without doubting myself. I'm in a stalemate which predisposes one to spiral into depression.
My PTSD occurred when I was dealing with a patient who actually had borderline personality disorder. I was trying to explain why it's so difficult to deal with a person who has BPD, when I looked up the description of the disorder and was completely paralyzed. It's a funny thing when you're truthful with yourself. You can look at any disorder and say... oh that's true of me.
The thing is... these disorders are true of ALL of us. We're dysfunctional in a myriad of ways. But it isn't our identity. You can't really even be diagnosed of a disorder unless it's affecting your work and relationships. So maybe it happened in one relationship, but I have many more that have lasted since the 4th grade. I've held the same job for 5 years. I survived college and am surviving grad school (mostly... lol). And yes... I have issues, but I'm learning how to deal with them well. Just because one person thinks I need help, should not override the other 30 people who think I'm reacting normally. The scariest thing is letting people back in. If this happened with one person who I was close with... what are the odds that if I let people in again they'll all come to the same conclusion? My trust has been completely shattered. I don't know how to rebuild. So I sit and watch Criminal Minds... which is entirely counterproductive because it's a slew of psychologically disturbed criminals.
So that's me right now (large fake grin). It's not so bad today. I'm moving forward. I just have little setbacks when the PTSD cripples me. Is it silly to have PTSD over emotional wounds? Probably. But it's worth it to be able to show you that you are not alone, that real people do experience a slew of psychological issues without ever being crazy, that accusations do not have to make up your identity. The point of the blog is to show you that people can be real, messy, strong, and wonderful all at the same time.
Love,
Liz
#reallifeismessy
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Sunday Updates
This whole four day span is supposed to be a Sabbath of sorts, so I guess it's ok to break my usual Sunday routine AGAIN and write a long post.
My day is all confused, since we're in a city with Internet and catching up with things that one needs the Internet for... which are generally things I tried to avoid when resting (ie: school/work). Mostly it's my research project that ever haunts me. I wish it could morph more into a thing of joy (it is sort of) and be less of a thing of dread and horror. Sometimes I think of it as a vacuous "dementor" of sorts. It just looms around sucking the joy and optimism right out of me.
Anyway, not to dwell on that. It's been interesting being away from my usual Sunday routine. My friend's church had a guest speaker who turned out to be a missionary from Africa. I'm an emotional maelstorm as it is this week.... so I'm not sure I'm in the best place to sort out my reactions to this morning's sermon. However, I did realize something very profound.
I am not in a place where I can forget myself.
Obviously, I started a blog where I talk about myself... hahahaha
It's mildly disconcerting to me... mainly because my goal is to be in a place where I do forget myself. The past five years after graduation have been distressing to me. In general, it's awkward to be an unattached young adult. The choices are overwhelming and decisions likewise dizzying - resulting in an ever restless state. I've watched myriads of friends move away to try to find themselves, their soul mates, their vocation, purpose, happiness... the list is as endless as the choices. While I do believe that I'm in the training grounds and developing my character (an extremely important process without shortcuts), I sometimes feel the need to follow in the footsteps of my friends. And I worry that I'm interested only in fame or greatness.
But I don't really think it's greatness for myself that I'm seeking. What I long for most... is to be caught in something greater than myself. Instead of worrying about what I should be doing, who I should be doing it with, and whether I'm fit to be doing what I'm doing... I'd like to be lost in it. The missionary spoke of real tribes of people hungry for Jesus... that he can't see for another 3 years because there are so many other people in front of those people. He spoke of a lack of workers in the face of the harvest. It struck me that so many of us are striving so hard to make a harvest where there is none, and yet there are places where God has already prepared that need us. I think it would be very good for some of us more legalistic, workaholic types to go where God has already prepared... because we could rest from the trying... and simply join in what God is already doing.
On a personal level, I must confess to be wanting to be in a place where I don't have to guess whether I'm needed. It's not that I need to be needed so much as that I don't want to worry about it at all. If you're in a place that desperately needs you - it doesn't matter if you're good at what you're doing, it doesn't matter about the size of the difference you make, it doesn't matter whether you get along with people well or not... it simply matters that you're there.
And that's really the message of gospel. You matter.
My day is all confused, since we're in a city with Internet and catching up with things that one needs the Internet for... which are generally things I tried to avoid when resting (ie: school/work). Mostly it's my research project that ever haunts me. I wish it could morph more into a thing of joy (it is sort of) and be less of a thing of dread and horror. Sometimes I think of it as a vacuous "dementor" of sorts. It just looms around sucking the joy and optimism right out of me.
Anyway, not to dwell on that. It's been interesting being away from my usual Sunday routine. My friend's church had a guest speaker who turned out to be a missionary from Africa. I'm an emotional maelstorm as it is this week.... so I'm not sure I'm in the best place to sort out my reactions to this morning's sermon. However, I did realize something very profound.
I am not in a place where I can forget myself.
Obviously, I started a blog where I talk about myself... hahahaha
It's mildly disconcerting to me... mainly because my goal is to be in a place where I do forget myself. The past five years after graduation have been distressing to me. In general, it's awkward to be an unattached young adult. The choices are overwhelming and decisions likewise dizzying - resulting in an ever restless state. I've watched myriads of friends move away to try to find themselves, their soul mates, their vocation, purpose, happiness... the list is as endless as the choices. While I do believe that I'm in the training grounds and developing my character (an extremely important process without shortcuts), I sometimes feel the need to follow in the footsteps of my friends. And I worry that I'm interested only in fame or greatness.
But I don't really think it's greatness for myself that I'm seeking. What I long for most... is to be caught in something greater than myself. Instead of worrying about what I should be doing, who I should be doing it with, and whether I'm fit to be doing what I'm doing... I'd like to be lost in it. The missionary spoke of real tribes of people hungry for Jesus... that he can't see for another 3 years because there are so many other people in front of those people. He spoke of a lack of workers in the face of the harvest. It struck me that so many of us are striving so hard to make a harvest where there is none, and yet there are places where God has already prepared that need us. I think it would be very good for some of us more legalistic, workaholic types to go where God has already prepared... because we could rest from the trying... and simply join in what God is already doing.
On a personal level, I must confess to be wanting to be in a place where I don't have to guess whether I'm needed. It's not that I need to be needed so much as that I don't want to worry about it at all. If you're in a place that desperately needs you - it doesn't matter if you're good at what you're doing, it doesn't matter about the size of the difference you make, it doesn't matter whether you get along with people well or not... it simply matters that you're there.
And that's really the message of gospel. You matter.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
A sigh of relief
Hello dear ones,
Greetings from on the other side of "insanity". I have now conducted my stressful research meeting, blitzed through two days of work, and survived being observed by my instructor while I completed a gynecological exam. I also managed to babysit children, acquire a ride to the airport, eat pizza with a friend, have coffee with my aunt, obtain scones and a gift card for my preceptor/office, and complete most of the homework alloted for this week. Now I just need to finish the last day of my clinical, do my laundry, and pack madly. Then it will be bon voyage... and you won't hear from me until Monday because my destination has no internet. Hurray for the dark ages!
On a complete side note... Blue Lily, Lily Blue is out and I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT... Guess what I'll be doing on the plane?
Sorry, this post is devoid of deep thoughts. Currently... too busy to think at all
:)
Greetings from on the other side of "insanity". I have now conducted my stressful research meeting, blitzed through two days of work, and survived being observed by my instructor while I completed a gynecological exam. I also managed to babysit children, acquire a ride to the airport, eat pizza with a friend, have coffee with my aunt, obtain scones and a gift card for my preceptor/office, and complete most of the homework alloted for this week. Now I just need to finish the last day of my clinical, do my laundry, and pack madly. Then it will be bon voyage... and you won't hear from me until Monday because my destination has no internet. Hurray for the dark ages!
On a complete side note... Blue Lily, Lily Blue is out and I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT... Guess what I'll be doing on the plane?
Sorry, this post is devoid of deep thoughts. Currently... too busy to think at all
:)
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Unorthodox
Live every day like there's no tomorrow
Today was not a Sabbath. It was more like a cram everything you can possibly think of into a day... My houseguests and I enjoyed a delicious breakfast at the local favorite. I held babies in the nursery during church. I pulled my hair out over a "simple" excel assignment. I went to play apple schmear to relax myself after getting nowhere on the excel assignment. (Apple schmear involves hitting apples with a baseball bat.... ie: extremely messy and cathartic therapy for the stressed person). I freaked out about the insane, upcoming week - which will involve meetings about my research proposal tomorrow, long shifts of work Tuesday and Wednesday, a clinical instructor observing my PAP smear proficiency on Thursday, and then a flight out at 6am on Friday to visit a BFF. (I was admonished by my mother to be optimistic and trust God). I blitzed through three assignments and realized my mother was right (she always is). And I finally topped it off by going to a new church small group (and I don't even attend the church) to meet some more quality, different people in my life... as if I had more things I needed to do.
Oh God. I'm so thankful you're in the insanity... and that even though you admonish Martha to be like Mary... you still love Martha just as much. You want to be in our lives whether we're meditating on a mountain or running around like chickens with our heads cut off. I'm sorry I couldn't honor you today as I wanted... or get traditional rest... but I am so thankful that you provide rest from worry and drama even when we don't do everything right and we mess up horribly. Grace is wildly scandalous and distributed to all generously. There is no formula for happiness or living well. There is only trust.
Lunatic Liz
Today was not a Sabbath. It was more like a cram everything you can possibly think of into a day... My houseguests and I enjoyed a delicious breakfast at the local favorite. I held babies in the nursery during church. I pulled my hair out over a "simple" excel assignment. I went to play apple schmear to relax myself after getting nowhere on the excel assignment. (Apple schmear involves hitting apples with a baseball bat.... ie: extremely messy and cathartic therapy for the stressed person). I freaked out about the insane, upcoming week - which will involve meetings about my research proposal tomorrow, long shifts of work Tuesday and Wednesday, a clinical instructor observing my PAP smear proficiency on Thursday, and then a flight out at 6am on Friday to visit a BFF. (I was admonished by my mother to be optimistic and trust God). I blitzed through three assignments and realized my mother was right (she always is). And I finally topped it off by going to a new church small group (and I don't even attend the church) to meet some more quality, different people in my life... as if I had more things I needed to do.
Oh God. I'm so thankful you're in the insanity... and that even though you admonish Martha to be like Mary... you still love Martha just as much. You want to be in our lives whether we're meditating on a mountain or running around like chickens with our heads cut off. I'm sorry I couldn't honor you today as I wanted... or get traditional rest... but I am so thankful that you provide rest from worry and drama even when we don't do everything right and we mess up horribly. Grace is wildly scandalous and distributed to all generously. There is no formula for happiness or living well. There is only trust.
Lunatic Liz
Saturday, October 18, 2014
New love
I have a new love. KALE!
I'm really REALLY tired. I never used to have dark circles under my eyes... but I'm developing some in the dark room... well it's actually not dark or I would be sleeping. Wordplay fail. I'm too tired to do this. I know why famous people go off the deep end... because they try to create masterpieces for insatiable appetites... or worry about numbers instead of quality.
It's sick. But it's inside us all.
I like being my own crazy self. I'm sitting here in bed with a clean, delicious smelling house that is sheltering two people... one person I never met until today. It's grand. I sliced myself good trying to cut the butternut squash though. I should really have a little memo that I wake up to every day that says something like. RELAX you don't have to save the world! I should get a husband to tell me that every day. Hahahaha. That is one of the higher priorities on my list of husbandly qualities. Must be... calm, laid back, chill, relaxed, easygoing...
But I didn't choose to write a blog to sigh about the qualities I want in a man. When the right one turns up... he'll surprise me I'm sure. Some wise book told me rather unromantically... that heartache is similar to a toothache. You can get over it. Some people wonder why single people are so busy... I think that being busy is one of the best ways to "get over it". Other people accuse us of using busy to avoid the problem or run from the quiet. But I think idleness only produces moodiness... and I would much rather be busy in my acts of charity provided I remember it's no substitute for the peace of God's presence.
Which I'm now going to enjoy.
Night
I'm really REALLY tired. I never used to have dark circles under my eyes... but I'm developing some in the dark room... well it's actually not dark or I would be sleeping. Wordplay fail. I'm too tired to do this. I know why famous people go off the deep end... because they try to create masterpieces for insatiable appetites... or worry about numbers instead of quality.
It's sick. But it's inside us all.
I like being my own crazy self. I'm sitting here in bed with a clean, delicious smelling house that is sheltering two people... one person I never met until today. It's grand. I sliced myself good trying to cut the butternut squash though. I should really have a little memo that I wake up to every day that says something like. RELAX you don't have to save the world! I should get a husband to tell me that every day. Hahahaha. That is one of the higher priorities on my list of husbandly qualities. Must be... calm, laid back, chill, relaxed, easygoing...
But I didn't choose to write a blog to sigh about the qualities I want in a man. When the right one turns up... he'll surprise me I'm sure. Some wise book told me rather unromantically... that heartache is similar to a toothache. You can get over it. Some people wonder why single people are so busy... I think that being busy is one of the best ways to "get over it". Other people accuse us of using busy to avoid the problem or run from the quiet. But I think idleness only produces moodiness... and I would much rather be busy in my acts of charity provided I remember it's no substitute for the peace of God's presence.
Which I'm now going to enjoy.
Night
Friday, October 17, 2014
Xenodochium
Evening folks,
Seems like the only time I ever get here anymore is in the evening. Probably shows that I have a semblance of a life. Hahaha... that's a joke. Unlike many stereotypical cybersessed (that's cyber-obsessed) people, I do not just bum around and play online/video games. I have a ridiculously busy life. I just make priorities (probably bad ones) for things like this. I could be sleeping for example... and I should be, since the insane, masochistic side of me picked up more hours at work... and I feel a sore throat coming on. So I'm drinking honey chamomile tea... because of course as I explained in an earlier post... tea has become my British idiosyncrasy cure-all.
Anyway, I wasn't going to write, because for once... my brain is too tired to think much, but then I was enjoying the blustery autumnal night and my hot tea so much that I started to get a second wind... until I started typing. Now I have no idea what I was going to say and whether it would have even been coherent. Besides, I've picked up 8 hours of work tomorrow, I have to get the house ready for guests, since a friend of a friend's father died and they need a home to stay for the weekend. I think I've housed at least 4 or 5 people for various lengths of time up to a month since living here for barely over a year. Some day I'll have a proper xenodochium.
Oh right... I promised to flesh out the xenodochium for you. Might as well do it now since I can always be coherent about my dream. If you look up the word, since it is a weird word, you will actually find a definition. Originally, it was known as a medieval house for care of the poor, strangers, pilgrims, or the sick. The earliest Christians started it... because of course they rocked at actualizing love. My dream is to have a BIG house... and rent out rooms to people of varying ages, socieconomics, culture, etc. I find the real problems in life are not solved by shoving more money at them, but by people who help you through them. I know so many lonely people. I want to make connections - be a matchmaker of friendships. I want the elderly not to be stuck in a nursing home, but able to be with the young... and to feel like they can still contribute to lives. I want the teen mom to have someone to mentor her. I want the poor to have someone to teach them life skills they didn't have time to learn, and the rich to stop hiding behind things and invest in people again. These are generalizations. Not every rich person is lonely, not every poor person lacks life skills, not all the elderly are separated from family, not all teen moms lack a supportive older woman in their life. BUT. These cases also do exist... and I would love my home to be full of people who aren't blood related, but are FAMILY. There's more to it... but I really must go to bed.
Good night!
Yours idealistically,
Lizzle
Seems like the only time I ever get here anymore is in the evening. Probably shows that I have a semblance of a life. Hahaha... that's a joke. Unlike many stereotypical cybersessed (that's cyber-obsessed) people, I do not just bum around and play online/video games. I have a ridiculously busy life. I just make priorities (probably bad ones) for things like this. I could be sleeping for example... and I should be, since the insane, masochistic side of me picked up more hours at work... and I feel a sore throat coming on. So I'm drinking honey chamomile tea... because of course as I explained in an earlier post... tea has become my British idiosyncrasy cure-all.
Anyway, I wasn't going to write, because for once... my brain is too tired to think much, but then I was enjoying the blustery autumnal night and my hot tea so much that I started to get a second wind... until I started typing. Now I have no idea what I was going to say and whether it would have even been coherent. Besides, I've picked up 8 hours of work tomorrow, I have to get the house ready for guests, since a friend of a friend's father died and they need a home to stay for the weekend. I think I've housed at least 4 or 5 people for various lengths of time up to a month since living here for barely over a year. Some day I'll have a proper xenodochium.
Oh right... I promised to flesh out the xenodochium for you. Might as well do it now since I can always be coherent about my dream. If you look up the word, since it is a weird word, you will actually find a definition. Originally, it was known as a medieval house for care of the poor, strangers, pilgrims, or the sick. The earliest Christians started it... because of course they rocked at actualizing love. My dream is to have a BIG house... and rent out rooms to people of varying ages, socieconomics, culture, etc. I find the real problems in life are not solved by shoving more money at them, but by people who help you through them. I know so many lonely people. I want to make connections - be a matchmaker of friendships. I want the elderly not to be stuck in a nursing home, but able to be with the young... and to feel like they can still contribute to lives. I want the teen mom to have someone to mentor her. I want the poor to have someone to teach them life skills they didn't have time to learn, and the rich to stop hiding behind things and invest in people again. These are generalizations. Not every rich person is lonely, not every poor person lacks life skills, not all the elderly are separated from family, not all teen moms lack a supportive older woman in their life. BUT. These cases also do exist... and I would love my home to be full of people who aren't blood related, but are FAMILY. There's more to it... but I really must go to bed.
Good night!
Yours idealistically,
Lizzle
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Song of the Oak
Stand tall
Shelter the weak
Reach for the heavens
Feed the hungry
Die gloriously
 |
| Photo credit: Me |
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Good morning starshine!
This morning I popped up and had breakfast with some coworkers. It was glorious. (That's the extrovert talking). It is seriously important to cultivate relationships (and drink coffee). At least, I've found that to be true for me. I wish every day I could wake up and drink a warm beverage with people! I do love waking up early too. I'm a morning girl... even when I'm an insomniac until 2 am. When I was little... I used to pop up at 5 am (totally my parents fault for mandating a 7pm bed time) and then I would either read the medical encyclopedia or The Book of Virtues. (I was always destined to be strange).
I do worry that the art of relationships is being completely lost. Trying to get to know someone in a large group is next to impossible. The last two times I've gone to huge group events... only a fraction of the people turned up... and while this may be discouraging to the people organizing them... I just have to say it's a blessing in disguise. Then the people who actually do take the time to show up have the wherewithal to really get to know each other (if they know how to). And I definitely do... because I have a fascination with what makes people tick... and what they are passionate about.
I don't know what I'm talking about... and I've got to get started on the schoolwork. I want to ACE my OB-GYN exam this week. And I am horrible at standardized testing... argh!
So I'm going to cram as much of the luteal phase, gubernaculum, condyloma acuminata facts in my head as possible. I mean... I'm actually going to try to understand what's going on instead of simply cramming facts into my head. Oh the education system.... don't get me started on that subject.
More to come!
Lollygagging Liz
I do worry that the art of relationships is being completely lost. Trying to get to know someone in a large group is next to impossible. The last two times I've gone to huge group events... only a fraction of the people turned up... and while this may be discouraging to the people organizing them... I just have to say it's a blessing in disguise. Then the people who actually do take the time to show up have the wherewithal to really get to know each other (if they know how to). And I definitely do... because I have a fascination with what makes people tick... and what they are passionate about.
I don't know what I'm talking about... and I've got to get started on the schoolwork. I want to ACE my OB-GYN exam this week. And I am horrible at standardized testing... argh!
So I'm going to cram as much of the luteal phase, gubernaculum, condyloma acuminata facts in my head as possible. I mean... I'm actually going to try to understand what's going on instead of simply cramming facts into my head. Oh the education system.... don't get me started on that subject.
More to come!
Lollygagging Liz
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
A bit of word vomit... sorry!
Phew... today was nutty. It was the day of meetings... work, extracurricular, and church. So there are a million things I could say, but due to my caffeine intake yesterday (and subsequent insomnia until 2 am) I don't have the time to prioritize this day of writing as much as the others (my apologies).
I will say that being it's the month of Halloween and I've watched Criminal Minds too much... it was rather amusing for me to get a call from an unavailable number with creepy static in the background that proceeded to hang up on me after a few seconds. Hello stalker!
On a more serious note (because let's face it... once I get started... even if I say I should go to bed... I'm going to end up writing a small novel). I have an amazing friend whose been working on body image with the community in my city. It started out when she saw billboards from the plastic surgeons essentially pronouncing "Go Confidently..." and get a tummy tuck. So she started taking pictures of people as we are and posting our pictures with the meme "Go Boldly - Love your body" Tonight, we gathered together to form the word "Love" with our bodies and also hear from a soon to be famous authoress who has written a book on her experience with body image, running, and eating disorders. (And we ate delicious sushi!!!!)
I met a special woman who has battled through a physically abusive past, homelessness, and probably many resulting psychological issues... who is now awesomely completing college. Getting to spend time with her was an amazing mesh of my schoolwork (I'm doing a presentation on child abuse) and themes that I keep seeing in people. She related being a control freak (due to her past) and I realized how closely that mirrors the history I've had with rescuing people from eating disorders. Perfectionism isn't always just about image... it is about control... and control is about feeling safe.
Some people say it is wrong to strive for safety... that it can become an idol. But here's the thing. If you never had the feeling of safety - you essentially inherit a hoard of psychological problems. Even if your safety bonds have been interrupted before you were able to consciously remember it (as in my case when adopted), your internal stability is forever changed. I will always have greater issues with loss of relationships than the average person because of something I can't even remember. It's hard for me to accept, but it's becoming more obvious the older I become.
The key is not in striving for safety or ignoring safety completely... but in knowing that a safety net always exists whether or not you can see it. A baby will only leave his mother if he knows he can return immediately. I think that it is silly to say that safety is an idol - comfort? Yes. Safety? Not so much. We need to feel safe in order to be able to confront all that is unsafe. We need to know that even if everything around us is falling apart... there still remains someone constant.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this now... so I'm going to bed. But my small preachament for the day exists in this true statement. God is on your side. He is your safety net. If anyone has made you feel otherwise, they are lying. He has said "Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you". He gave up his own safety and became human that you might have that steadfast promise.
I will say that being it's the month of Halloween and I've watched Criminal Minds too much... it was rather amusing for me to get a call from an unavailable number with creepy static in the background that proceeded to hang up on me after a few seconds. Hello stalker!
On a more serious note (because let's face it... once I get started... even if I say I should go to bed... I'm going to end up writing a small novel). I have an amazing friend whose been working on body image with the community in my city. It started out when she saw billboards from the plastic surgeons essentially pronouncing "Go Confidently..." and get a tummy tuck. So she started taking pictures of people as we are and posting our pictures with the meme "Go Boldly - Love your body" Tonight, we gathered together to form the word "Love" with our bodies and also hear from a soon to be famous authoress who has written a book on her experience with body image, running, and eating disorders. (And we ate delicious sushi!!!!)
I met a special woman who has battled through a physically abusive past, homelessness, and probably many resulting psychological issues... who is now awesomely completing college. Getting to spend time with her was an amazing mesh of my schoolwork (I'm doing a presentation on child abuse) and themes that I keep seeing in people. She related being a control freak (due to her past) and I realized how closely that mirrors the history I've had with rescuing people from eating disorders. Perfectionism isn't always just about image... it is about control... and control is about feeling safe.
Some people say it is wrong to strive for safety... that it can become an idol. But here's the thing. If you never had the feeling of safety - you essentially inherit a hoard of psychological problems. Even if your safety bonds have been interrupted before you were able to consciously remember it (as in my case when adopted), your internal stability is forever changed. I will always have greater issues with loss of relationships than the average person because of something I can't even remember. It's hard for me to accept, but it's becoming more obvious the older I become.
The key is not in striving for safety or ignoring safety completely... but in knowing that a safety net always exists whether or not you can see it. A baby will only leave his mother if he knows he can return immediately. I think that it is silly to say that safety is an idol - comfort? Yes. Safety? Not so much. We need to feel safe in order to be able to confront all that is unsafe. We need to know that even if everything around us is falling apart... there still remains someone constant.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this now... so I'm going to bed. But my small preachament for the day exists in this true statement. God is on your side. He is your safety net. If anyone has made you feel otherwise, they are lying. He has said "Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you". He gave up his own safety and became human that you might have that steadfast promise.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Faith and truth
Hullo dear folk,
I'm writing late tonight... but thankfully on an emotional up. I had a full and glorious day. I had a couple thoughts while I was running tonight (Only a couple?!)
If you struggle with depression, the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself is... (drum roll please)
Remember that feelings are temporary and that how you feel... eventually will pass (either with time, or therapy, or a good chat with someone, or medications etc). You will not necessarily be able to change how you feel, but you can control how you react. People often like to tell depressed people to "snap out of it" or "be more optimistic". Sometimes, it is impossible to see a bright side. That is ok. It does not make you a bad person to feel what you feel. It does not mean you're not trying hard enough and failing. However, it does make you vulnerable. You cannot allow your feelings to rule you - or you will become a victim to them. Disney may tell you to "follow your heart", but this is NOT the time to listen to Disney!!!!!! Those feelings are strong, if you let them lead you, it will be down a dangerous path. This is how you lose your life... by believing lies that sound completely absurd to your mind. For example, "everyone is better off without me" or "things will never change, I'll always be a screw-up". The mind laughs at those thoughts blithely... knowing they are completely ridiculous and unfounded... but the heart.... the heart shudders with the echo of those feelings it mistakes for truths.
In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis writes "Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."
This is what is needed in the face of the raging emotions of despair, hopelessness, and worthlessness. And sometimes... sometimes you need a real, live human being to speak the truth and rationalize through the feelings with you. That is why there are hope lines. That is why I aspire to be a person who speaks the truth and hope. Because sometimes you need to hear the truth in order to break the enchantment of lies that feelings have entangled you in. It is the truth that will set you free
We need less of people trying to doctor us up... and more of people reminding us who we already are.
Love,
Liz
I'm writing late tonight... but thankfully on an emotional up. I had a full and glorious day. I had a couple thoughts while I was running tonight (Only a couple?!)
If you struggle with depression, the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself is... (drum roll please)
Remember that feelings are temporary and that how you feel... eventually will pass (either with time, or therapy, or a good chat with someone, or medications etc). You will not necessarily be able to change how you feel, but you can control how you react. People often like to tell depressed people to "snap out of it" or "be more optimistic". Sometimes, it is impossible to see a bright side. That is ok. It does not make you a bad person to feel what you feel. It does not mean you're not trying hard enough and failing. However, it does make you vulnerable. You cannot allow your feelings to rule you - or you will become a victim to them. Disney may tell you to "follow your heart", but this is NOT the time to listen to Disney!!!!!! Those feelings are strong, if you let them lead you, it will be down a dangerous path. This is how you lose your life... by believing lies that sound completely absurd to your mind. For example, "everyone is better off without me" or "things will never change, I'll always be a screw-up". The mind laughs at those thoughts blithely... knowing they are completely ridiculous and unfounded... but the heart.... the heart shudders with the echo of those feelings it mistakes for truths.
In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis writes "Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."
This is what is needed in the face of the raging emotions of despair, hopelessness, and worthlessness. And sometimes... sometimes you need a real, live human being to speak the truth and rationalize through the feelings with you. That is why there are hope lines. That is why I aspire to be a person who speaks the truth and hope. Because sometimes you need to hear the truth in order to break the enchantment of lies that feelings have entangled you in. It is the truth that will set you free
We need less of people trying to doctor us up... and more of people reminding us who we already are.
Love,
Liz
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Longing
"The desire is thy prayers; and if thy desire is without ceasing, thy prayer will also be without ceasing. The continuance of your longing is the continuance of your prayer" ~ St. Augustine
You do not have to build a bridge to talk to God - nor do you have to drag him down. God is not far or distant. He is right beside you... with every breath and longing. It is in our deepest yearning that we realize just how near he is.
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| Photo credit: me |
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Fryday
Hi invisible nation,
I decided to let the blog sit for a day without any activity to see what would happen... it was as I expected. Ghost town. Not even the four views a day that occur right after a post that are either a serial killer or complete spam - but that's ok! This is after all first and foremost for me - though I do hope whatever is helpful gets out into the weird world of cyberspace to those who need it.
I also didn't write because I was absolutely crushed under some unknown weight of misgiving, fear, and wretchedness. I could not get my head above the waters... so I took snorkel down and assumed dead man's float position... which actually keeps your head above water... so that's completely inaccurate. Anyway, I also wonder if updating everything constantly just creates alert fatigue (which is something I'm all to familiar with in the world of CPOE). But I guess I already established that very few people are going through these.
I should probably insert a peppy picture here.
I decided to let the blog sit for a day without any activity to see what would happen... it was as I expected. Ghost town. Not even the four views a day that occur right after a post that are either a serial killer or complete spam - but that's ok! This is after all first and foremost for me - though I do hope whatever is helpful gets out into the weird world of cyberspace to those who need it.
I also didn't write because I was absolutely crushed under some unknown weight of misgiving, fear, and wretchedness. I could not get my head above the waters... so I took snorkel down and assumed dead man's float position... which actually keeps your head above water... so that's completely inaccurate. Anyway, I also wonder if updating everything constantly just creates alert fatigue (which is something I'm all to familiar with in the world of CPOE). But I guess I already established that very few people are going through these.
I should probably insert a peppy picture here.
 | ||||||||
| Photo credit: me |
This was me stuffing my face with chicken sauteed in garlic, onion, olive oil, Worcestershire sauce, and a touch of brown sugar after I got home from work. Let it be known... I can cook. Even if sometimes I really don't want to because I've just been a teacher, a counselor, a server, a waiter, an IT helper, a mom, and a drug dealer (aka a nurse).
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)
Hullo beings from another spatial dimension!
I'm at clinical on lunch break... bringing you the special lunch edition of Paper Faces! I was cleaning out my email inbox and found an excerpt from Elaine Aron on highly sensitive people. It's always fun to rediscover truths that you've forgotten about.
Elaine defines the HSP as having a sensitive nervous system, being aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and being more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment. A key quality is that they process everything around them much more - reflect on it, elaborate on it, make associations. When this processing is not full conscious, it surfaces as intuition.
http://www.hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-person/
She also notes that HSPs have stronger feelings and that this is NOT a flaw. However, it can sometimes make things more difficult. We can be overwhelmed and overstimulated quickly - and also experience pain with more intensity. This chunk of quote struck me the most today.
"For whatever reason, we are more easily struck by the full impact of a birth or the threat of death. When a mother behaves badly we feel her as more than that--as the archetypal bad Mother with all her devouring and destructive energy. When we have a chance to do good, we feel the thrill of the heroic as we step in to do our share. When we see lightning strike close by; stand near a river overflowing its banks; hear a child crying in despair; or watch two large, angry male animals fighting for dominance; we are moved to our very roots, every sense alert and every nerve alive."
This is particularly true of me... and speaks to so much of the reason I'm here writing. Because I am aware of so much, I'm constantly processing - and I like to make associations and may pick up on subtle social or cultural connections. My feelings of loneliness and difficulty with people leaving my life also stem back into this. I tend to demand more depth in a relationship to feel satisfied and that is why I often am left feeling lonely or discontent with relationships - because many people cannot sustain a relationship that deep. Plus, I see more threatening consequences in people's flaws or behaviors - which is why I worry all the time that my standards are too high. Additionally, I've always had sort of sixth sense about emotional and social situations... which is reflected in that intuition of processing that is not fully conscious.
Anyway, enough about me for now. It's just nice to be reminded that I'm not crazy or maudlin. I'm just me. :)
I'm at clinical on lunch break... bringing you the special lunch edition of Paper Faces! I was cleaning out my email inbox and found an excerpt from Elaine Aron on highly sensitive people. It's always fun to rediscover truths that you've forgotten about.
Elaine defines the HSP as having a sensitive nervous system, being aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and being more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment. A key quality is that they process everything around them much more - reflect on it, elaborate on it, make associations. When this processing is not full conscious, it surfaces as intuition.
http://www.hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-person/
She also notes that HSPs have stronger feelings and that this is NOT a flaw. However, it can sometimes make things more difficult. We can be overwhelmed and overstimulated quickly - and also experience pain with more intensity. This chunk of quote struck me the most today.
"For whatever reason, we are more easily struck by the full impact of a birth or the threat of death. When a mother behaves badly we feel her as more than that--as the archetypal bad Mother with all her devouring and destructive energy. When we have a chance to do good, we feel the thrill of the heroic as we step in to do our share. When we see lightning strike close by; stand near a river overflowing its banks; hear a child crying in despair; or watch two large, angry male animals fighting for dominance; we are moved to our very roots, every sense alert and every nerve alive."
This is particularly true of me... and speaks to so much of the reason I'm here writing. Because I am aware of so much, I'm constantly processing - and I like to make associations and may pick up on subtle social or cultural connections. My feelings of loneliness and difficulty with people leaving my life also stem back into this. I tend to demand more depth in a relationship to feel satisfied and that is why I often am left feeling lonely or discontent with relationships - because many people cannot sustain a relationship that deep. Plus, I see more threatening consequences in people's flaws or behaviors - which is why I worry all the time that my standards are too high. Additionally, I've always had sort of sixth sense about emotional and social situations... which is reflected in that intuition of processing that is not fully conscious.
Anyway, enough about me for now. It's just nice to be reminded that I'm not crazy or maudlin. I'm just me. :)
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Ennui
Every now and then... I have one of those days.
Like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Only... it's not that things go wrong.
It's more like I can't get out of my skin. I cannot stop being sad, restless, or lonely. I suppose it's what you call depression, but I don't get it for the clinically appropriate time (2+weeks). So it's just like major depressive day.
I do everything right... I run, I visit my counselor, I eat healthy, I get enough sleep, I don't procrastinate and get tons of homework done. I even have spurts of motivation or lurches of hope...
But then I get dragged back down into the depths of despair.
I think it's probably from not getting enough sleep. I need massive amounts of sleep... I'm talking at least 10 hours a night and at the very minimum 8.
At any rate, I'm having one of those days. It's kind of nice to be able to rant about it to no one. I know no one is listening. The problem with social media is that it creates a false sense of being heard and connected to others.... like if I posted this on my facebook... I would hope that someone I knew would comment or try to take care of me... but I know (from experience) that few would because a) nobody wants to hear about your bad day and b) there's nothing really they can do from afar.
But with my trusty alter ego... I can tell you about how I really just feel like giving up, how I don't want to keep getting up after falling down. I can tell you how I feel like there is no end in sight... no solution to get me out of this state... and that I'm tired of being the brave one that asks for help and keeps pushing forward. I can tell you that sometimes everything is ennui - which is a really cool french word for a really uncool state of utter weariness, discontent, and dissatisfaction. I can tell you that I'm so tired that I don't want to have to go on. I can tell you all this without worrying that you're going to think I'm about to kill myself (because I'm not...) and because you don't even exist to respond.
It's almost enough to get me out of the depths of despair... because true despair is found when a tree is falling down in the forest and no one hears it.
Oh wait. We visited that topic before. I gave a nice pep talk to you. Now I need it repeated back to me. Hahaha. The point is... I absolutely detest social media primarily because it does present a false safety net of connection. I'm happier talking to a completely non-existent audience who can never reject me, than trying to engage a real audience whose indifference would only bury me further into the pits. This probably means I'm a coward. But I'm ok with that. Today I need to be a coward. Tomorrow I'll hunt my demons.
We all deserve off days. There's no point in beating yourself up over it. Christians have an absolutely psychopathic tendency to beat each other up over weaknesses. I really understand feeling like you've had the Bible beaten over your head. On behalf of loving people, I apologize for that. Love yourself first... then love your neighbor. And don't give up! (I'm certainly am not). After cheering myself up by creatively writing to no one about nothing... I'm going prescribe myself a sound 8.5 hrs of sleep.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.
Like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Only... it's not that things go wrong.
It's more like I can't get out of my skin. I cannot stop being sad, restless, or lonely. I suppose it's what you call depression, but I don't get it for the clinically appropriate time (2+weeks). So it's just like major depressive day.
I do everything right... I run, I visit my counselor, I eat healthy, I get enough sleep, I don't procrastinate and get tons of homework done. I even have spurts of motivation or lurches of hope...
But then I get dragged back down into the depths of despair.
I think it's probably from not getting enough sleep. I need massive amounts of sleep... I'm talking at least 10 hours a night and at the very minimum 8.
At any rate, I'm having one of those days. It's kind of nice to be able to rant about it to no one. I know no one is listening. The problem with social media is that it creates a false sense of being heard and connected to others.... like if I posted this on my facebook... I would hope that someone I knew would comment or try to take care of me... but I know (from experience) that few would because a) nobody wants to hear about your bad day and b) there's nothing really they can do from afar.
But with my trusty alter ego... I can tell you about how I really just feel like giving up, how I don't want to keep getting up after falling down. I can tell you how I feel like there is no end in sight... no solution to get me out of this state... and that I'm tired of being the brave one that asks for help and keeps pushing forward. I can tell you that sometimes everything is ennui - which is a really cool french word for a really uncool state of utter weariness, discontent, and dissatisfaction. I can tell you that I'm so tired that I don't want to have to go on. I can tell you all this without worrying that you're going to think I'm about to kill myself (because I'm not...) and because you don't even exist to respond.
It's almost enough to get me out of the depths of despair... because true despair is found when a tree is falling down in the forest and no one hears it.
Oh wait. We visited that topic before. I gave a nice pep talk to you. Now I need it repeated back to me. Hahaha. The point is... I absolutely detest social media primarily because it does present a false safety net of connection. I'm happier talking to a completely non-existent audience who can never reject me, than trying to engage a real audience whose indifference would only bury me further into the pits. This probably means I'm a coward. But I'm ok with that. Today I need to be a coward. Tomorrow I'll hunt my demons.
We all deserve off days. There's no point in beating yourself up over it. Christians have an absolutely psychopathic tendency to beat each other up over weaknesses. I really understand feeling like you've had the Bible beaten over your head. On behalf of loving people, I apologize for that. Love yourself first... then love your neighbor. And don't give up! (I'm certainly am not). After cheering myself up by creatively writing to no one about nothing... I'm going prescribe myself a sound 8.5 hrs of sleep.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Appearance
I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking (of course) on body image, expectations, cultural influences, unconscious prejudices, subliminal messaging, and what it means for people. I'm going to use this post to try to organize my thoughts.
I've been following MGG for a while... it's utterly ridiculous. But I can't seem to stop, because something about all the bits and pieces I pick up from interviews and things fascinates me for several reasons. I watch people a great deal. Makes me sound like a total creepy stalker I know. I should be an anthropologist really. Understanding what motivates and connects people... is one of my passions. So what I pick up from Matthew is a lot of uncertainty about himself in general. It's not that he's lacking in confidence... nor is it a bad thing. I just find self-effacement with a history of being bullied... combined with a hypercritical, perfectionistic personality to point to some extent of uncertainty. You might not think it, but I can tell you from experience, that people whose worth has been put into question tend to be very hard on themselves. Subliminally, I think it's like you're always trying to make up for something... whether you're conscious of it or not.
At any rate, I'm completely off-topic. So I've been stuck on this concept of appearance because Matthew has a fantastic and unique aesthetic sense. It is immediately apparent in his artwork which you can find here: http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/
But I also love what he has to say, "Conventional beauty is as rare as being, for instance, a dwarf or something, so to me, it’s on the same spectrum. It’s as unique, and as beautiful, and so I’ve never understood why, just because someone has, like, big blue eyes, which is really rare, why is that more beautiful than someone having, like, really tiny hands, or some feature that’s really unique and therefore very beautiful to me?”
I've combined this thought with my own fallibility regarding how I view others, as well as with the situation of a close friend who has cerebral palsy. My friend and I often talk about marriage, since we'd both love to be married. At 26, people often tell you to stop being so picky... and I do worry about realistic expectations. I've been pursued by three guys in my adult life... and two out of the three were balding or had receding hairlines. There were other reasons I preferred not to date them, but I was very aware of my immediate gut reaction to them because of their looks. This is not to say I hate bald men. My pastor is bald and I think he's the most fantastic person ever... and I'd even marry him (if he wasn't married with six kids). But it's gotten me to think about how culture trains us to view our ideal mates. I know why my friend who has CP is having trouble dating... it's because guys can't get past the walker or other limitations she has. And to be honest... when I think about the person I want to marry... it doesn't include a vision of a guy with a walker. But let's think about what our marriage vows say... "In sickness and in health" At any time, your spouse/significant other could get in a MVA (motor vehicle accident) and become paralyzed from the neck down... and I'm guessing you would still love them. I think it's true that when you really love someone - you love them for everything that's inside of them. So then why can't we include people with physical limitations in our dream ideals? If what we're looking for has to do with the inner workings of that person, why does the outward appearance matter to the point my friend will always have trouble finding someone who wants to date her?
There can be no other answer than that we're trained otherwise. If there's one thing that frustrates me to no end about media in the United States, is its ability to make all the desirable characters the same body type/aesthetics. Even MGG - who plays somewhat misunderstood characters, is classically attractive. He's tall, proportional, and overall very attractive... obviously a million people really like him. This is the case in almost every piece of media ever created for us. Even the annoying advertisements proclaim this. It's not like it's just the culture of today either. This dates back to Greek aesthetics and Roman infanticide of disfigured or weak babies.
As much as I'd rather be dating someone as attractive as MGG, I have to ask myself whether I'll be able to accept a man who is strong in all the regards I care about, but may not look the way I envision strength to be. Can I overcome the subliminal message that's been drilled in me from every aspect of society, culture, and media? I pray to God I can.
I certainly love my friend with CP. And ever since I read that quote by Matthew, I realized that I'm missing out on an incredible beauty in her. We've had makeovers and done photoshoots together where we both look rather glamorous - but it's not that conventional look which should give us confidence. All those things which we consider weaknesses or odd, are actually quite lovely. Those are the things that make us... us. It's been said before, but I don't think it's really comprehended with people like Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson, Taylor Swift and others paraded around. It's not to say they're not unique or beautiful - but they do conform to the conventional norm. I don't see crutches, blotches, buck teeth, squinty Asian eyes like mine (haha), or any hint of asymmetry. Just saying... So even though we aspire to think all people are beautiful, it is difficult for us to believe it.
Regardless, I think it's important to remember that while we may say we are not influenced by how people appear, we may still be unconsciously affected. Also, try to love the way you are - including all the things you wish to hide. At the very least, I hope that by quoting someone as attractive as MGG, I can convince you of that (Ahahaha... I'm aware that comment entirely forfeits the rest of my post, but I couldn't resist). But seriously, you are stunningly made and extremely attractive. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Be yourself in all your glory. :)
Liz
#CPawareness #MGG #unconventionalbeauty
I've been following MGG for a while... it's utterly ridiculous. But I can't seem to stop, because something about all the bits and pieces I pick up from interviews and things fascinates me for several reasons. I watch people a great deal. Makes me sound like a total creepy stalker I know. I should be an anthropologist really. Understanding what motivates and connects people... is one of my passions. So what I pick up from Matthew is a lot of uncertainty about himself in general. It's not that he's lacking in confidence... nor is it a bad thing. I just find self-effacement with a history of being bullied... combined with a hypercritical, perfectionistic personality to point to some extent of uncertainty. You might not think it, but I can tell you from experience, that people whose worth has been put into question tend to be very hard on themselves. Subliminally, I think it's like you're always trying to make up for something... whether you're conscious of it or not.
At any rate, I'm completely off-topic. So I've been stuck on this concept of appearance because Matthew has a fantastic and unique aesthetic sense. It is immediately apparent in his artwork which you can find here: http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/
But I also love what he has to say, "Conventional beauty is as rare as being, for instance, a dwarf or something, so to me, it’s on the same spectrum. It’s as unique, and as beautiful, and so I’ve never understood why, just because someone has, like, big blue eyes, which is really rare, why is that more beautiful than someone having, like, really tiny hands, or some feature that’s really unique and therefore very beautiful to me?”
I've combined this thought with my own fallibility regarding how I view others, as well as with the situation of a close friend who has cerebral palsy. My friend and I often talk about marriage, since we'd both love to be married. At 26, people often tell you to stop being so picky... and I do worry about realistic expectations. I've been pursued by three guys in my adult life... and two out of the three were balding or had receding hairlines. There were other reasons I preferred not to date them, but I was very aware of my immediate gut reaction to them because of their looks. This is not to say I hate bald men. My pastor is bald and I think he's the most fantastic person ever... and I'd even marry him (if he wasn't married with six kids). But it's gotten me to think about how culture trains us to view our ideal mates. I know why my friend who has CP is having trouble dating... it's because guys can't get past the walker or other limitations she has. And to be honest... when I think about the person I want to marry... it doesn't include a vision of a guy with a walker. But let's think about what our marriage vows say... "In sickness and in health" At any time, your spouse/significant other could get in a MVA (motor vehicle accident) and become paralyzed from the neck down... and I'm guessing you would still love them. I think it's true that when you really love someone - you love them for everything that's inside of them. So then why can't we include people with physical limitations in our dream ideals? If what we're looking for has to do with the inner workings of that person, why does the outward appearance matter to the point my friend will always have trouble finding someone who wants to date her?
There can be no other answer than that we're trained otherwise. If there's one thing that frustrates me to no end about media in the United States, is its ability to make all the desirable characters the same body type/aesthetics. Even MGG - who plays somewhat misunderstood characters, is classically attractive. He's tall, proportional, and overall very attractive... obviously a million people really like him. This is the case in almost every piece of media ever created for us. Even the annoying advertisements proclaim this. It's not like it's just the culture of today either. This dates back to Greek aesthetics and Roman infanticide of disfigured or weak babies.
As much as I'd rather be dating someone as attractive as MGG, I have to ask myself whether I'll be able to accept a man who is strong in all the regards I care about, but may not look the way I envision strength to be. Can I overcome the subliminal message that's been drilled in me from every aspect of society, culture, and media? I pray to God I can.
I certainly love my friend with CP. And ever since I read that quote by Matthew, I realized that I'm missing out on an incredible beauty in her. We've had makeovers and done photoshoots together where we both look rather glamorous - but it's not that conventional look which should give us confidence. All those things which we consider weaknesses or odd, are actually quite lovely. Those are the things that make us... us. It's been said before, but I don't think it's really comprehended with people like Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson, Taylor Swift and others paraded around. It's not to say they're not unique or beautiful - but they do conform to the conventional norm. I don't see crutches, blotches, buck teeth, squinty Asian eyes like mine (haha), or any hint of asymmetry. Just saying... So even though we aspire to think all people are beautiful, it is difficult for us to believe it.
Regardless, I think it's important to remember that while we may say we are not influenced by how people appear, we may still be unconsciously affected. Also, try to love the way you are - including all the things you wish to hide. At the very least, I hope that by quoting someone as attractive as MGG, I can convince you of that (Ahahaha... I'm aware that comment entirely forfeits the rest of my post, but I couldn't resist). But seriously, you are stunningly made and extremely attractive. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Be yourself in all your glory. :)
Liz
#CPawareness #MGG #unconventionalbeauty
Monday, October 6, 2014
Grace
Today I ran completely on grace (with a side of coffee)... but seriously... even the coffee wouldn't have worked without grace. I've been going for so long with so little sleep I'm not sure what is up or down... but I made it through the day without losing my temper or crying. I even facilitated an excellent day for a student and managed a patient who crashed pretty spectacularly. Actually, I was energized and happy for the entire day. I also managed to drink two glasses of water and open the front door to my house with the right key blindly on the first try.
Sometimes there's no explanations, but for the supernatural.
There was no human way I would have made it through today happily or with an energy... except by grace.
Sometimes there's no explanations, but for the supernatural.
There was no human way I would have made it through today happily or with an energy... except by grace.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Be brave
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage
~ Lao Tzu
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Sunday is about rest, but also fellowship. And fellowship is not easy. For we are all prone to wound each other. Yet, it is not good to be alone. So be brave, be vulnerable, and may you find love, strength, and courage.
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