Levity and heartbreak

Hullo beautiful cyberspaciens,

I did not fall off the face of the earth - nor was I particularly busy. I was just plain preoccupied. As much as I'd like to say something thanksgiving-y... all I can think at the moment is "Why is there so much pinging through France on this blog?" According to the blogging website that is. According to my creepy stalking google analytics page, only people from the U.S. ping through. I'm not sure I'm even using proper terminology here... ping... ping... ping...

Is it raining? Is the old man snoring? That's a very depressing song btw. He pretty much sustains a head concussion and dies...

Ok sorry. My brain is rather scattered. I just worked a 12 hour shift... and plan on working another tomorrow. And I'm still trying to arrange family matters. My mom: "I lost your cousin's phone number" Me: "I thought I gave it to you the other night" Mom: "I lost it again! I'm up to my neck in stuff! Can you call her?" So I texted my cousin to tell her that someone would pick her up. I have no idea whom, because someone also has to pick up my Grandmother... and it won't be me because I'm stuck here working!

All I can think is... Good gravy! I need to be home helping my sick mother cook for all these people (she is sick... sounds like a frog). 

Meanwhile, I've been trying to recover from a broken heart. No it's not a boy (what is a boy?). No joke. I'm being facetious right now because I'm exhausted but also in better spirits. We're not going to go into details because one should never be too vulnerable on the world wide web of  intrigue and hackage, but also because you probably couldn't handle it. That's really the problem. No one seems to be able to handle it. I feel so strongly and I am able to verbalize so poignantly... that people seem to get hurt just listening to me. Apparently I'm a very hurtful person. I've been discovering all the people I've lived closest with are telling me I'm an unhealthy and negative person. Since they are the people I've lived with, I assume they know me pretty well... so they probably have a pretty accurate view of me... which has plunged me down to the utter depths of despair.

So much so... that I've concluded never to speak to another person again of my true feelings (ahahaha). You can see how well that's going. I've been in this position many times. I mentioned the PTSD feelings before. And yet I never learn. I think it's impossible for me to learn. I will always be an open, optimistic, vulnerable person. Though sometimes it causes me to doubt whether that's worth anything and to want to curl up and not move ever again. (Lol... Translation: I'll "always" be open, optimistic, and vulnerable except when I'm despairing, depressed, and closed-mouthed)

Feelings. Drama. Hello walking disaster of emotions!

If I could be less embarrassing or cover up with my paper face... I would. But I can't. I have to be a real person. And this is really me. And if people can't handle that... then I either need to change, or get used to it. It doesn't have to be dramatic. The facts are that I'm a highly sensitive person who is prone to mood swings... but they as predictable as a werewolf... so I can warn people ahead of time.  The problem really lies in the fact that I didn't realize the enormity and severity of the issue in years of yore. Normal women have PMS... which is already scary... but I have a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm such a understanding, thoughtful, optimistic, patient person... EXCEPT WHEN I'M NOT. And that's when I'm judgmental, selfish, negative, impatient, and impressively oversensitive. So it's understandable why people have such a conflicted view of me... and probably why they are extra hurt. I am the best and worst friend wrapped up in one person.

Great. (stated with an extremely sarcastic undertone) It's the realistic view. But I'm not sure it helps me feel much better. But I'm learning. There are many things I can do to help... such as

a) eating well
b) exercising
c) sleeping...

Speaking of which. I need to go... so I can wake up in 10 hours and save lives while everyone else eats turkey.

Yours trying to keep her head above the waters,
Mr. Hyde (BEWARE THE JEKYLL!)