Appearance

I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking (of course) on body image, expectations, cultural influences, unconscious prejudices, subliminal messaging, and what it means for people. I'm going to use this post to try to organize my thoughts.

I've been following MGG for a while... it's utterly ridiculous. But I can't seem to stop, because something about all the bits and pieces I pick up from interviews and things fascinates me for several  reasons. I watch people a great deal. Makes me sound like a total creepy stalker I know. I should be an anthropologist really. Understanding what motivates and connects people... is one of my passions. So what I pick up from Matthew is a lot of uncertainty about himself in general. It's not that he's lacking in confidence... nor is it a bad thing. I just find self-effacement with a history of being bullied... combined with a hypercritical, perfectionistic personality to point to some extent of uncertainty. You might not think it, but I can tell you from experience, that people whose worth has been put into question tend to be very hard on themselves. Subliminally, I think it's like you're always trying to make up for something... whether you're conscious of it or not.

At any rate, I'm completely off-topic. So I've been stuck on this concept of appearance because Matthew has a fantastic and unique aesthetic sense. It is immediately apparent in his artwork which you can find here: http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/ 

But I also love what he has to say, "Conventional beauty is as rare as being, for instance, a dwarf or something, so to me, it’s on the same spectrum. It’s as unique, and as beautiful, and so I’ve never understood why, just because someone has, like, big blue eyes, which is really rare, why is that more beautiful than someone having, like, really tiny hands, or some feature that’s really unique and therefore very beautiful to me?”

I've combined this thought with my own fallibility regarding how I view others, as well as with the situation of a close friend who has cerebral palsy.  My friend and I often talk about marriage, since we'd both love to be married. At 26, people often tell you to stop being so picky... and I do worry about realistic expectations. I've been pursued by three guys in my adult life... and two out of the three were balding or had receding hairlines. There were other reasons I preferred not to date them, but I was very aware of my immediate gut reaction to them because of their looks. This is not to say I hate bald men. My pastor is bald and I think he's the most fantastic person ever... and I'd even marry him (if he wasn't married with six kids). But it's gotten me to think about how culture trains us to view our ideal mates. I know why my friend who has CP is having trouble dating... it's because guys can't get past the walker or other limitations she has. And to be honest... when I think about the person I want to marry... it doesn't include a vision of a guy with a walker. But let's think about what our marriage vows say... "In sickness and in health" At any time, your spouse/significant other could get in a MVA (motor vehicle accident) and become paralyzed from the neck down... and I'm guessing you would still love them. I think it's true that when you really love someone - you love them for everything that's inside of them. So then why can't we include people with physical limitations in our dream ideals? If what we're looking for has to do with the inner workings of that person, why does the outward appearance matter to the point my friend will always have trouble finding someone who wants to date her?

There can be no other answer than that we're trained otherwise. If there's one thing that frustrates me to no end about media in the United States, is its ability to make all the desirable characters the same body type/aesthetics. Even MGG - who plays somewhat misunderstood characters, is classically attractive. He's tall, proportional, and overall very attractive... obviously a million people really like him. This is the case in almost every piece of media ever created for us. Even the annoying advertisements proclaim this. It's not like it's just the culture of today either. This dates back to Greek aesthetics and Roman infanticide of disfigured or weak babies.

As much as I'd rather be dating someone as attractive as MGG, I have to ask myself whether I'll be able to accept a man who is strong in all the regards I care about, but may not look the way I envision strength to be. Can I overcome the subliminal message that's been drilled in me from every aspect of society, culture, and media? I pray to God I can.

I certainly love my friend with CP. And ever since I read that quote by Matthew, I realized that I'm missing out on an incredible beauty in her.  We've had makeovers and done photoshoots together where we both look rather glamorous - but it's not that conventional look which should give us confidence. All those things which we consider weaknesses or odd, are actually quite lovely. Those are the things that make us... us. It's been said before, but I don't think it's really comprehended with people like Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson, Taylor Swift and others paraded around. It's not to say they're not unique or beautiful - but they do conform to the conventional norm. I don't see crutches, blotches, buck teeth, squinty Asian eyes like mine (haha), or any hint of asymmetry. Just saying... So even though we aspire to think all people are beautiful, it is difficult for us to believe it.

Regardless, I think it's important to remember that while we may say we are not influenced by how people appear, we may still be unconsciously affected. Also, try to love the way you are - including all the things you wish to hide. At the very least, I hope that by quoting someone as attractive as MGG, I can convince you of that (Ahahaha... I'm aware that comment entirely forfeits the rest of my post, but I couldn't resist). But seriously, you are stunningly made and extremely attractive. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Be yourself in all your glory. :)
 
Liz

#CPawareness #MGG #unconventionalbeauty