Rainy day

Hello beautiful people of cyberspace!

No I have not been murdered! Though my absence from the blogspace does seem to have made the site more popular. Oh yes! I track everything that goes through my site. Who knows... I could be hacker extraordinaire! *as evil a chuckle as I can muster up*

OK... not so much. Anyway, it's not that I haven't been thinking, but there's only so much thinking one can do and actually get somewhere. A lot of thinking ends up being repetitive. I decided there was no point in putting you through that. While I do think the blog should be a truthful reflection of humdrum me, I also don't want you to have to read through lists of things I've done every day... which is what ends up happening if I'm extremely tired or having a mind blank.

At any rate, I've been having a little bit PTSD. I've been hurt by several individuals and an entire community. You could say it's my own fault for being idealistic and oversensitive. At least, that's what I imagine all these people say behind my backs (oooo freudian typing slip... I only have one back I promise! And I don't have multiple personality disorder... though, I have been accused of having borderline personality disorder). Do you know the worst part of having your mental state questioned? It's not the anguish and hurt cast by other people's suspicions. It's when you start questioning yourself.

I think that I have every right to be angry and hurt in the way I've been treated, but because I have been accused of not knowing my own mind and "needing more help", I sometimes don't know if I can function because I can't process the hurt or anger without doubting myself. I'm in a stalemate which predisposes one to spiral into depression.

My PTSD occurred when I was dealing with a patient who actually had borderline personality disorder. I was trying to explain why it's so difficult to deal with a person who has BPD, when I looked up the description of the disorder and was completely paralyzed. It's a funny thing when you're truthful with yourself. You can look at any disorder and say... oh that's true of me.

The thing is... these disorders are true of ALL of us. We're dysfunctional in a myriad of ways. But it isn't our identity. You can't really even be diagnosed of a disorder unless it's affecting your work and relationships. So maybe it happened in one relationship, but I have many more that have lasted since the 4th grade. I've held the same job for 5 years. I survived college and am surviving grad school (mostly... lol). And yes... I have issues, but I'm learning how to deal with them well. Just because one person thinks I need help, should not override the other 30 people who think I'm reacting normally. The scariest thing is letting people back in. If this happened with one person who I was close with... what are the odds that if I let people in again they'll all come to the same conclusion? My trust has been completely shattered. I don't know how to rebuild. So I sit and watch Criminal Minds... which is entirely counterproductive because it's a slew of psychologically disturbed criminals.

So that's me right now (large fake grin). It's not so bad today. I'm moving forward. I just have little setbacks when the PTSD cripples me. Is it silly to have PTSD over emotional wounds? Probably. But it's worth it to be able to show you that you are not alone, that real people do experience a slew of psychological issues without ever being crazy, that accusations do not have to make up your identity. The point of the blog is to show you that people can be real, messy, strong, and wonderful all at the same time.

Love,
Liz
#reallifeismessy