Resolution

HAPPY NEW YEAR beloved cybspacians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a crazy end of the year, but full of love and family. I just got back from my Aunt's. Her family is completely zany and full of shouting laughter. I love them so much. They are warm, intelligent, hysterically funny, thoughtful, and hospitable. I desperately wanted to stay longer, but I have to work tomorrow (Somehow, I ended up working Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day...) I work tomorrow because I had to get Monday off to spend with my niece and nephew. My parents took them for a stretch of five days and I knew I had to be there to help. They are quite a handful. I'm completely worn out, but I must say that it was worth it.

The neighbors, of the loudest bass, are out in full swing... laughing loudly too. I was hoping beyond all hopes the weather would deter them, but they're still outside on the porch YELLING. I think it's the intoxication.

And anyway, I never sleep well on New Year's Eve. I have troubles with resolution and endings. I hate endings. They wake the Sehnsucht in me or as C. S. Lewis (yes him again) says, the "inconsolable secret" or the "desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience" (From the Weight of Glory).

I also like to think deeply about my resolutions. New beginnings and second chances cannot be taken for granted. I've been thinking hard (as usual) about my life and finally feel ready to make changes. I was really laid low by the legalism of the church and religion in the last 3 or 4 years. It drove me to break many good habits and indulge in a general moral laziness. I've come back to the proper place now and want to engage my will again. Discipline and routine sound pleasing in the way exercise sounds pleasing. I know they will make me feel healthier and happier. The thing about Christianity is... it truly involves the whole person = body, mind, and will.

C. S. Lewis writes, 

“Love in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion.  It is a state not of feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people.” 

We cannot just aspire to love people, feel good feelings about them, etc. We must exercise our will and actions to follow. So it is with ourselves. However, we must come to this place on our own. God gave us free will after all. We must allow each other to come to these conclusions themselves. There is so much preaching to "better oneself". It is not that we must better ourselves, but that we must grow into our potential. After all, we are "gods and goddesses"

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” (Who else? C. S. Lewis)

So anyway, I would like to resolve, to write more, paint more, learn more, and study more... all under the realm of bringing in God's kingdom. And in order to make room for that. I'm canceling my Netflix (or severely shortening allowance for watching periods). I feel a great deal (being highly sensitive) and can no longer allow myself to numb it through escapism and fantasy. I must live in the real and now.