Sunday Updates

This whole four day span is supposed to be a Sabbath of sorts, so I guess it's ok to break my usual Sunday routine AGAIN and write a long post.

My day is all confused, since we're in a city with Internet and catching up with things that one needs the Internet for... which are generally things I tried to avoid when resting (ie: school/work). Mostly it's my research project that ever haunts me. I wish it could morph more into a thing of joy (it is sort of) and be less of a thing of dread and horror. Sometimes I think of it as a vacuous "dementor" of sorts. It just looms around sucking the joy and optimism right out of me.

Anyway, not to dwell on that. It's been interesting being away from my usual Sunday routine. My friend's church had a guest speaker who turned out to be a missionary from Africa. I'm an emotional maelstorm as it is this week.... so I'm not sure I'm in the best place to sort out my reactions to this morning's sermon. However, I did realize something very profound.

I am not in a place where I can forget myself.

Obviously, I started a blog where I talk about myself... hahahaha

It's mildly disconcerting to me... mainly because my goal is to be in a place where I do forget myself. The past five years after graduation have been distressing to me. In general, it's awkward to be an unattached young adult. The choices are overwhelming and decisions likewise dizzying - resulting in an ever restless state. I've watched myriads of friends move away to try to find themselves, their soul mates, their vocation, purpose, happiness... the list is as endless as the choices. While I do believe that I'm in the training grounds and developing my character (an extremely important process without shortcuts), I sometimes feel the need to follow in the footsteps of my friends. And I worry that I'm interested only in fame or greatness.

But I don't really think it's greatness for myself that I'm seeking. What I long for most... is to be caught in something greater than myself. Instead of worrying about what I should be doing, who I should be doing it with, and whether I'm fit to be doing what I'm doing... I'd like to be lost in it. The missionary spoke of real tribes of people hungry for Jesus... that he can't see for another 3 years because there are so many other people in front of those people. He spoke of a lack of workers in the face of the harvest. It struck me that so many of us are striving so hard to make a harvest where there is none, and yet there are places where God has already prepared that need us. I think it would be very good for some of us more legalistic, workaholic types to go where God has already prepared... because we could rest from the trying... and simply join in what God is already doing.

On a personal level, I must confess to be wanting to be in a place where I don't have to guess whether I'm needed. It's not that I need to be needed so much as that I don't want to worry about it at all. If you're in a place that desperately needs you - it doesn't matter if you're good at what you're doing, it doesn't matter about the size of the difference you make, it doesn't matter whether you get along with people well or not... it simply matters that you're there.

And that's really the message of gospel. You matter.