Ennui

Every now and then... I have one of those days.

Like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Only... it's not that things go wrong.

It's more like I can't get out of my skin. I cannot stop being sad, restless, or lonely. I suppose it's what you call depression, but I don't get it for the clinically appropriate time (2+weeks). So it's just like major depressive day.

I do everything right... I run, I visit my counselor, I eat healthy, I get enough sleep, I don't procrastinate and get tons of homework done. I even have spurts of motivation or lurches of hope...

But then I get dragged back down into the depths of despair.

I think it's probably from not getting enough sleep. I need massive amounts of sleep... I'm talking at least 10 hours a night and at the very minimum 8.

At any rate, I'm having one of those days. It's kind of nice to be able to rant about it to no one. I know no one is listening. The problem with social media is that it creates a false sense of being heard and connected to others.... like if I posted this on my facebook... I would hope that someone I knew would comment or try to take care of me... but I know (from experience) that few would because a) nobody wants to hear about your bad day and b) there's nothing really they can do from afar.

But with my trusty alter ego... I can tell you about how I really just feel like giving up, how I don't want to keep getting up after falling down. I can tell you how I feel like there is no end in sight... no solution to get me out of this state... and that I'm tired of being the brave one that asks for help and keeps pushing forward. I can tell you that sometimes everything is ennui - which is a really cool french word for a really uncool state of utter weariness, discontent, and dissatisfaction. I can tell you that I'm so tired that I don't want to have to go on. I can tell you all this without worrying that you're going to think I'm about to kill myself (because I'm not...) and because you don't even exist to respond.

It's almost enough to get me out of the depths of despair... because true despair is found when a tree is falling down in the forest and no one hears it.

Oh wait. We visited that topic before. I gave a nice pep talk to you. Now I need it repeated back to me. Hahaha. The point is... I absolutely detest social media primarily because it does present a false safety net of connection. I'm happier talking to a completely non-existent audience who can never reject me, than trying to engage a real audience whose indifference would only bury me further into the pits. This probably means I'm a coward. But I'm ok with that. Today I need to be a coward. Tomorrow I'll hunt my demons.

We all deserve off days. There's no point in beating yourself up over it. Christians have an absolutely psychopathic tendency to beat each other up over weaknesses. I really understand feeling like you've had the Bible beaten over your head. On behalf of loving people, I apologize for that. Love yourself first... then love your neighbor. And don't give up! (I'm certainly am not). After cheering myself up by creatively writing to no one about nothing... I'm going prescribe myself a sound 8.5 hrs of sleep.
 
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.