Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Dirt Sledding...


In desperation:

Partially to get the kids outside in fresh air and doing something active

And partially because the need to sled is a truly desperate matter...

I took my niece and nephew sledding after an ice storm which unfortunately left only a dubious teaspoon of snow/slush on the ground

It quickly devolved into a sort of mud slide

Abject despair
Unlikely though it seems and despite the photo depicted, the adventure was a big hit. 

Proving that MGG and the Killers had the right idea with #dirtsledding

Because really.... no Christmas is complete without sledding
                                  
                                                        

                                  
                                                   

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Dream a litte dream

Merry Christmas and happy holidays... and to those who can't feel merry or happy because of chemical imbalances... much love!

I woke up today on the couch... I was avoiding the neighbors who scream at each other so loudly from three houses down at 1 and 5 am that I wake out of a dead sleep. It's very exciting to be sleeping on your couch. It felt like a grand adventure... though I must admit I woke up several times because I rolled over into the side. Clonk! Klonk!? Clunk...

I then made myself an enormous brunch from leftover Christmas breakfast... omelette, fruit, and croissant with coffee seasoned with eggnog! It was heavenly to savor breakfast slowly. I'm so conditioned to wolfing down my food in 10 minutes or less. Yesterday I realized at 2000 after a day of work where I barely sat down to eat that I hadn't peed the entire day! Sorry TMI.

At church I bawled all through Joy to the World and most of the other Christmas songs. I have had a long season of arid spiritual desert without even realizing it. I haven't had a good writing journal and didn't realize I depended on it to stay in contact with God so much. It's also been rough trying to find a new church since my old one dissolved. Plus the season is always one full of tension with my extended family. It's odd and heartbreaking to sing practical hymns (old Christmas carols) with people who don't believe in Jesus Christ as their savior.

Anyway, as always I want to bring joyful tidings... since that is after all what Christmas is truly about. Whatever is holding you back... remember it does not have the last word! The light shines in the darkness... not to expose and shame you... but to show the way into freedom from whatever it is holding you back. There is no sin, no brokenness, no hurt that cannot be redeemed and saved and remade. Hope has the final word. Dream on.

A word on the ridiculous. On my run (because it is imperative to my mental health - and I can at least be disciplined about exercise), my dream included marrying someone rich and big-hearted and opening the Home for the Odd and Unusual Children: where we would go sledding no matter whether there was snow on the ground, grow gardens of epic proportions, only watch the Muppets, Reading Rainbow, and Mr Rogers (and only after reaching the age of at least 2), eat sushi, kale, and other weird vegetables, tell jokes endlessly, perform lots of magic tricks, explore and create endlessly, and of course nurture all the children know they were loved no matter what.

A word of reality. There would be lots of fighting. Lots of putting my foot down (which I'm not very good at). Lots of tears. Probably lots of calling my mom in a panic. And maybe even feeling liked a complete failure. But I still think it would be great.

Love, me

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Hole in my Soul

Ello peoples,

I'm supposed to be going to bed early (according to what I told my mum on the telly - that's Britamerican for telephone...)

So naturally, I'm a ball of frenetic energy... wide awake.

It's probably all the screamo music I've been playing through... Evanescence, Linkin Park, now I'm on Lifehouse... Ok they're not so loud - but The Joke is.

Yup. It's one of those days. THE JOKE kind of day (google it... it's nicely suicidal) I haven't been this distraught in a while. Thankfully it's not related to relationships. I'm still ironclad and haven't allowed anyone near enough to make much of a dent.

But I had an awful, horrible, no good day, very bad day at work. Well two days really. And we're not really allowed to complain. I can never complain about anything. I can't complain to the patients. I can't complain to the person who made my assignment too heavy. I can't complain to my friends and violate HIPPA. And guess what happens when you cut off my ability to communicate? I get so frustrated I want to die. Not really... but I am supremely frustrated to the extent extremely loud music starring elegant screamers is therapeutic.

I don't like being put in places I can't make better. I have literal situations which are lose-lose. Either I keep people safe and endure heaps of abuse, or I please them - but have a sinking pit in my stomach because I know I'm a) enabling b) breaking some kind of safety rule c) contributing to poor health choices. It's like a death squeeze. I feel squished and stressed thinking about it now. I should go out for a run. But it's 12 am. In my job, I endure an obscene amount of abuse from HUMAN BEINGS. People are so entitled. Rich, poor, black, white, all of them. How am I ever going to be a mother?

I just want someone to protect me. Sometimes. It feels like I'm the ground being kicked over and over and over and I just want someone to lie over me. Too bad life isn't like the movies.

Because the days I need the most - and even ask for it... I seem to receive the least. It's the days I feel the most Eve-like. A sucking black hole of neediness. I cannot be filled. There's a hole in my soul. Can you fill it... can you fill it?

Sorry quoting my favorite

Dan Smith  #Bastille

Welp this was a cheerful post.

I suspect it's mostly on purpose (that I don't receive when I'm the neediest) Because generally what I need is not suppliable by human beings. You can't fill it. It's a hole in my SOUL. What I crave can't be met by encouragement or words of affirmation or even someone lying over me. Because someone has already throw themselves (all three of them) over me. Someone is already my savior. After I've worn myself out with the fury, I can kneel in the quiet (or against the screamo) and look in his eyes (figuratively) and feel the peace and rightness seep back into me.

Onto Switchfoot now. #Riseaboveit


Friday, November 6, 2015

Cultural musings

My old arthritic cat just waddled over to me.

I'm at my parents house - on route to see the crazy kids. I've just finished one assignment and I'm debating on working on the dreaded scientific journal. I'm feeling so positive about everything that I will probably just dive into it. Motivation is a miracle.

What with critical staffing at work, a massive push toward finishing up grad school, and new influx of people to encourage, hang out with, write to etc... I haven't had much time to introspect. But in all reality, the main reason I haven't written is because the need to has diminished.

It's hard to determine whether it's because my ego has shrunk, I've learned forgiveness, I've finished processing and healed, I've lost motivation, or I've determined the project is a failure/not a priority... what a mess!

Now my kitty has meowed piteously, waddled over, and hopped into my lap. It's difficult to type with a cat and computer in your lap... especially when the cat keeps trying to lick you.

Basically, I analyzed culture and determined I've developed a false need to connect on a large-scale level. Back in the day, before social media, internet connections etc., people were happy to connect with the people in their neighborhood or community. It was enough to do good by the people you knew. Now that we know so much about everything going on in the world, those of us who are particularly compassionate are overwhelmed by all the needs. It doesn't feel like enough to do good by those we love - like friends and family. Even our jobs seem too small. It's not just the consumerism of bigger is better - it's impact: bigger is better. It's an accomplishment if the newspaper writes an article about you, or you get a paper published, or you write a novel, or you do a job that gets highlighted by the news. Or now - you develop a youtube series or post a message that goes viral.

Do you see what I mean? Things are dependent on likes and shares and greater impact. It's almost like you must become a celebrity to make a difference. This is completely untrue. I tell myself repeatedly... it is impossible to measure impact. But popular culture surrounds us so tightly now, it's difficult to untangle yourself from the emotions it causes. You can hardly open up any type of social media or even regular media without it subliminally affecting the way you view yourself, your purpose, your accomplishments etc.

Anyway, I've always dreamed of writing the immortal novel as Anne of Green Gables would say - and in this day and age I translated it to the immortal blog... haha. And perhaps I am just super lazy and under-motivated, but I've got so much real work to do - visiting my family, making sure my friends eat food when they're depressed, writing to lonely people in other countries - or even just lonely widowed family members, working grueling hours as a nurse when we're understaffed and picking up extra hours on top, writing and developing research projects and papers... I can barely motivate myself to eat dinner sometimes... let alone write an immortal blog.

Besides biblically speaking here, the end goal is not a legacy of good, but a legacy of presence - both with the Lord and with people. I may have a gift in writing. I may have things to say that would help a large amount of people. But timing is important too. The right thing at the wrong time is still wrong. So I've got to trust that if I am to write something to help others, I will be granted the time eventually. However, right now: my goal is today. Now. The people in front of me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Creative people and procrastination

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
Here I opened wide the door;— Darkness there, and nothing more.
Leave my loneliness unbroken."

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A little bit of nonsense

Hey-o!

Thought I forgot completely about you didn't ya? Frankly, I'm not very cool with abandonment. In fact, it's probably on my top 3 things I hate the most. So no, I did not abandon you -  though I've gotta admit, I probably abandoned myspace. Really, I did kind of abandon you, because you don't really exist. You're an audience that my narcissism dreamed into existence. Ok besides the one of you that stopped reading this when I stopped writing consistently - that one is real. But that one is an anomaly, because that one knows who I am. And the point of this blog was to be a different person. If that's not a personality disorder brewing... I'm not sure what is. Funnily enough, I'm much more popular as myself - the self that one person knows - than a random person in the ethernet.

I don't think I wanted to be popular exactly. WELL. Let's be honest, we all want to be popular. But what I wanted: was to offer everything I am and have... to anyone who could possibly benefit. I recently discovered that accordingly to family systems theory - that I have a rescuer complex. Well duh. I've had a rescuer complex since I was 7 and imagined myself as George Washington's daughter - savior of the Revolutionary War with cute soldier boy on one side and bedraggled child on the other. Probably every fantasy in my waking life has included me saving people, animals, hopes - anything. And yeah... it's probably not the most healthy aspect of my life - and I've developed self-differentiation and the ability to coach instead of triangulate. However, I'm pretty sure it has to have some deeply rooted genetics that can't be all bad.

The fact is: I don't think I will ever get over it. The drive to make things right, well, whole, flourishing... shalomy: that drive will always be in first gear. I cannot deny that part of myself or I end up creating insanity blogs online. So maybe this is more for me than for you. But I guarantee that if you get this far and still need a word of encouragement, I can give it to you.

You are not alone.

L

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Healthcare reform

Lest you think I've completely gone underground, or forsaken yet another blog, I will POP UP (Like daisies!... Name that movie)

I've started a new semester that basically runs on insanity. Work is requiring critical staffing because acuities are ridiculously high for some strange reason. People it's summer! Stay out of the hospital! And then school requires me to cram hours of clinical into an unreasonably short time. Not to mention I have to drive 40 minutes to get to the clinical site... but that's nothing compared to my co-worker who has to get to Traverse City for hers. So I shan't complain. Our newest class has spawned more passionate reactions from me. So I'll post one of our assignments here instead of rambling off complaints.


There is an old anonymous proverb that if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but if you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. This is remarkably applicable concerning the current state of healthcare reform. Too often, we see a policy created to help one aspect of the problem, which then opens up Pandora’s Box to a myriad of new dilemmas. I would argue that the single most cost effective and efficient solution in the movement for healthcare reform is to focus spending on public health education.

Now this doesn’t solve everything with a snap of the fingers. I realize that what I have suggested is a broad platform. Who specifically do we give resources to? Do we push for health promotion classes in our public education systems? Do we put more money toward school and public health nurses? Should we focus on propagating healthier advertisements? Where does this money come from? However, the real question is whether business, government, and even individuals will realize the value of education.

My point is that all those questions are mute if people don’t invest in the importance of education. People cannot make informed decisions to improve their health until they understand why it is important and take ownership for it. Therefore knowledge equates empowerment. Let me put it another way. In the beginning of life, we provide care for babies because they are completely helpless and do not have the knowledge or ability to provide for themselves. As they grow, we expect them to assume more responsibility because they have grown in knowledge and skills. Imagine you have an infant who is never taught to speak, or walk, or socialize. He is left alone in a bed all day long. The baby would quickly deteriorate and die. We call this neglect. Yet in the same manner, we leave people to fend for themselves concerning their health. You may have been shuffled to the dentist, harped on to eat fruits and vegetables, and enrolled in some kind of sports activity, but not every child has those opportunities. Due to poverty and health inequalities, many children do not have a home environment that fosters healthy living. Where else will they learn these skills and tools to care for themselves unless we offer it in the public health realm?

So, I posit that if investment is not given to public education concerning healthcare, then those in charge can be considered neglectful. Furthermore, if we cannot even provide people with the knowledge for healthy living, how can we expect them to make important decisions on health care policy? To truly change the state of healthcare and provide health for a lifetime, we must empower the people. As that is best accomplished through education, we must put our resources there. 

 

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Oh Happy Day

It amazes me how many people have completely missed Big Hero 6.

SUCH a good movie by the way. And I would marry either of the brothers. (Yes that made my friends choke on laughter yesterday... and yes I would wait till Hiro got the proper age). 



Yesterday was bliss filled. I woke up, treated myself to delicious Kava House coffee, and spent the day with my poor nauseated beyond belief friend. I changed diapers, folded laundry, played with small children, and even managed to get in a school lecture. I also made birthday banana chocolate chip muffins and most of the dinner, so when her husband got home we all ate a satisfying meal. Have I mentioned I like feeding people? And he brought home flowers for me. I LOVE FLOWERS! We also listened to epic music, read a confusing bible (the artist was confused... the 2 year old got fixated on a tree that was very odd. It was pink, look like it had a mouth, and was bent... so he reckoned someone had "throwed it". Yes try imagining how someone makes a tree look like that! Ha), and I got dragged in and out of a (real) truck to rescue (imaginary) cats from trees and put out (imaginary) fires. Did I mention I love children?

We also watched Big Hero 6... which somehow... none of them had seen. I love watching good movies with people who haven't seen them.

And my cousin posted a hysterical meme with anime Sherlock texting Happy Birthday for me.

Aw.

I was also touched by my family's sudden FB mania. It's sucked them in and I can't stop laughing. Not to mention my guy friends called me successively at way too late of an hour... I was shocked and touched that they were the ones to call... not my girl friends. My niece and nephew also called with lots of singing and jumbled talk that had to be translated by my brother. Aside from that my phone blew up with texts... and I was probably most moved that my friend who I've had so much pain over... left me a gorgeous card on my porch.

Anyway, I could probably keep going, but this isn't really beneficial to anyone. What I have learned is the practice of extrapolating contentedness. We often think... oh I won't be happy until I'm loved by this person, or doing this thing, or accomplished with this. I've begun to realize we can be happy with anything if we set our mind to it (As Abraham Lincoln was supposed to have said. "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be") So I want to be a housewife with seven children? I got that yesterday. I want to feel loved and cherished by one guy? Why one? Why guy? I've got dozens of friends who adore and cherish me... I can be plenty happy with that. In fact, I don't need much. The Lord will provide. And that is more than enough.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

A special smirk

I'm particularly snarky today. I don't know what it is about certain days, but sometimes I wake up much more adept to writing in amusing, dark, semi-self deprecating tones than others.

I don't have much to say at the moment... except that I can now stalk my one faithful reader even more clearly... because she's not currently where I am. It was somewhat reassuring to check the blog and see her country of current occupation pop up.

Here's what I was writing to a different friend recently...
 
"You'll have to understand that I have a shield like an electric force field from a fantasy book set around me. They weren't joking in Proverbs when they said "a brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel" I feel akin to the barred gates of a citadel. At the very least, I've developed a biting, dark humor. On a good day, I fancy I'm rather like a brooding, interesting male character from a novel. On a bad day, I imagine I'm a dragon that eats everyone I love alive. I've been in a self-imposed prison for over a year now - living mostly on books and Netflix and loneliness... an entirely unhealthy way to live though I must say that it's honed my ability to write with lovely self-deprecating humor.

I'm probably actually in much better sorts than that (I cut out Netflix completely don't worry!). Around thanksgiving last year, I decided to start putting myself back together. The problem is that I still haven't quite sorted out the good and the harmful. You sort of have to leach the pain out of situations to be able to objectively sort through the wreckage. Unfortunately my sensitivities impede the process in excess of a normal person.

*Insert story of relational woe

And so for quite a time I saw myself as only horror and destruction... hence  the self imposed tower of isolation. I'm not sure I was quite in my right mind allowing myself to be so damaged. I had no one to take up my cause of course... except for my parents whom I always believe are unfairly biased so I pay them no mind. So without anyone to defend me, I thought it would be better if I allowed myself to be pulverized into nothingness. Idiot! (I say that affectionately) It was only my own pride and idealization of self that could think self-abasement would assuage anything. So eventually, I began to take my own side... as one ought to do if one has any proper love of self and God. I remembered that I am an absolutely fantastic person and that it is never healthy to depend on anyone besides God anyway. So I plugged myself back into God, captured my pastor for some loving spiritual guidance (he is really great for the soul... even though I know he harries his wife like nothing else. As do all humans), and have been trying to put back together a world with idealization that only roots itself in God. On a good day, I'm intolerably optimistic and a little bit like my old self. On a bad day, I'm simply acting while my snarky wounded self snarls underneath. I'm an impossibly good actor. I should have gone into the business. Maybe then I could marry my favorite criminal minds actor and make horror movies based on myself...

Anyway, it's not as dire as I make it sound. I'm in a small group at church. I keep up with half a dozen friends... at the very least. But it's not what I was created for. I was created for house and home. And yet continually, I'm called to live in a world that is not my own. I despise the way business has leached into medicine. At some point quality was still on the side of care, and then it switched to the side of money. Do you think I want to be a career woman? But in my world, there is no way to fight for what I want. You don't go out asking men to marry you... even if I could actually find anyone who was as passionate, intelligent, and crazy as me. And I know I'm an idealist... but I can't just marry anyone. I'll be wildly unhappy if I'm unequally linked. Then again, when have I ever had the chance to find out who would suit me? Men terrify me. So I'm trying slowly to become acquainted with them through online stuff... which is horrid and I truly hate it.... but I'm glad that I did it. It's not about finding someone. It's about taking a step forward into humanity... and trusting God. I'm quite sure the person I'm meant to marry... if ever I meet them... will be found in person"

At any rate, I've put you through the paces of my darkly amusing thought life. My mood betrays the fact that expressing oneself through blogs is all very egotistical, but since I only have an audience of one... I find it quite acceptable.

The end.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Come Awake!

Hullo darling cyberians,

I'm afraid I've been a little doomsy. It's funny. Every spring I come to the same conclusion... that I was only half awake during the winter. When the sun stretches out longer and the air smells fresher, I come alive... ROARING ALIVE. I think... how could I consider what I did over the winter living? I was functioning... breathing... but was I feeling a thing? It's not like I struggle with depression (Ok I do...) but it's not like I can identify feeling unmotivated or unhappy; it's just like I suddenly come to my senses with a lightning strike. I feel. I cry. I want to create. I ache. I dance. I want to save the world. I want to fall in love. Everything is possible. Everything is beautiful. There is hope again. It would be a bit manic if it cycled more often than with only Spring. 

I hold it close to my heart as a reminder of the resurrection I await every day, every moment.

This year though... it feels like it's been more than a year since I've felt this way. The chains have been strong. The demons fierce. They've been holding my head under water for so long. I can hardly believe what a wondrous world it is... as I come to the surface. Of course, listening to EPIC MUSIC probably doesn't help, but I'm just so happy to feel again. It's like a movie where you watch all the ropes popping off the bound person... just snapping away.

Ok well I have to go do cartwheels of joy or something... hahaha just kidding. It's midnight. I don't think my neighbors would be very happy with me.

Good night my loves.

There is enough life and hope for the world.

JESUS CHRIST FOREVER

Thursday, March 5, 2015

The Raven Boys



I am Gansey burdened with glorious purpose, weighted with wealth, love and power, compelled to compensate through some noble contribution. And tied to friends who are always walking away…

I am Ronan incapable of infidelity, turned savage by the losses dealt me, ferocity hiding tenderness. And able to pluck things from my dreams and turn them into reality. 

I am Adam terrified and ashamed of the darkness in my heart.

And I am Noah… a bit dead, wistful, and very lost

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Me

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Freedom

I've been feeling happier lately. It's probably because I shrugged off a huge weight. I always come to the conclusion I have spiritual dementia... because I continually forget and remember truths. It's like coming back to a place you recognize and feeling like "DUH!" This is familiar! Mostly, I've been remembering that I don't have to live up to any standards... academic, worldly (fame/leadership), religious etc.

God is really happy with me. ME. ME! Just as I am. In fact, the less I try to be like anything, the more I am myself. The more I forget myself, the sooner I become more of myself. I don't have to worry about defending myself to the people who hung me out to dry and yet shun me as if I'm the bad guy. I don't have to be that amazing conversationalist. I don't have to change lives. I don't have to save the world. I don't have to be this writer that everyone follows online.

It's nice to just be me. I almost forgot that I used to be in an Improv group, that I tried dancing hip hop (I'm terrible), that I rock on the indoor soccer turf. These are all parts of me that the community I was in stole from me. They stole my confidence. My trust in people. My optimism. My belief in religious groups. My fun. My adventurous side. In the first months, I really thought I might just die. You can die from sadness. You stop eating. You lose weight. You get sick a lot more. You can hardly get out of bed. You waste hours watching Netflix. Sometimes you just want to stop existing. It's too painful.

It's called depression.

I usually only have situational depression that's dependent on my hormones. But when anything bad occurs involving a close relationship, I tend to slump.  It's really quite amazing I kept functioning as well as I did. It proves that I don't need to be on medications. I don't need more help (which is what was thrown in my face). I managed a 4.0 for the first time last semester... coming out of the darkest year of my life.

One of the men I love dearly who I knew was going to choose a celibate life told me carelessly that 25 was going to be the best year of my life. It was the worst. I can't count how many times I wanted to die. But I don't really want to die. I just want to be out pain. Such is the curse of being a highly sensitive person. You know pain intimately. I sometimes think all the famous women poets who committed suicide were probably highly sensitive. We're brilliant, but somewhat unstable.

I'm trying to be stable. I've stuffed most of my feelings in an undisclosed vague place, but they still pop out sometimes. They're popping out now because of the hormones. I'm still hurt, angry, unforgiving. It's only because I set on my brave face and went to mingle with some of the old crew again. The older adults are all amazing and have no idea about the underlying tension. But there are still people I have to deal with who make me feel like a bad word.

So I have to remember that I don't have to prove anything to them. I don't have to be right. I don't have to feel bad that I tried to be vulnerable and get to know them... and they gave me shallow nothingness. I don't have to feel bad that some of them shun me. I don't have to feel bad that one of them basically hijacked my close friend into her best friend. I don't have to feel bad that they probably all talk about me in their women's groups. I don't have to feel like I'm the black sheep. I don't have to worry about what other people think. I only have to worry about what God thinks. And basically... He LOVES ME.

He's grand really. I'm not sure why more people don't realize this. God is the best friend you could possibly have. He never lets you down... and he never leaves you. I've seen tragedies, I've been hurt, I've lost people... but it has never made me doubt God... because He is the ultimate good. I can never understand how people blame things on God.

God is good.

This was a terrible ramble that no one wanted to read... which is why it's good that I'm not trying to save the world via blog anymore. Lol.

Lizzie

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Theory of Everything

I watched the Theory of Everything today.

My work gives free movie tickets every now and then... but mine were about to expire on 2/5/15 (which also happens to be my brother's birthday. Happy Birthday you old man! Don't worry he'll never see this). So for lack of better movie choices, my friend (the only one who reads these ramblings) and I went to see it.

I left the theater incredibly sad. I should have known better. Any premise involving an atheist is going to end up empty... unless of course they convert into geniuses like C. S. Lewis. It actually wasn't a terrible movie, but I'm extra sensitive. So it bothered me that Jane unequally yoked herself to Stephen. I don't believe in predestination, but it felt like she predestined the relationship to doom. And it bothered me further that she couldn't keep to the vows of sickness and health. The movie is actually a very realistic look at the average marriage. I think that's why it discouraged me. I know that Disney preps you for unrealistic outlooks on love, but I think that a truly enlightened perspective on love preps you for a similar outcome as Disney - only with the knowledge that you will both change into different people, but you will stay together. Really all of this is probably just my old problem rearing it's familiar head again. I simply can't handle relationship endings. It's been blamed on adoption and abandonment theories... but I think it's a very sensible problem.

We were meant to be in community... forever. When heaven meets earth, the happiest moment for me (aside from seeing God face to face) will be the big happy reunion where everyone I've loved is together again.

Ok so not so realistic for everyday life. I do have to learn to let go of people. I'm trying. Not without broken and wrung hearts, but I'll survive. As my grandmother quoted Shakespeare "No one ever died of love"

Anyway, I also realized how I'm not fully healed from last year. I had to attend this "preceptor CEU" work related event. There was some public recognition going on... and it threw me into PTSD mode from the old community I was in. I hate public recognition. Either it makes me feel like a pharisee (if I'm the recipient) or it makes me feel completely inadequate (if I'm not). As I grow older, I receive less and less public attention since I'm not doing anything life-changing or being particularly inspiring. I'm trying to change my gut  reaction from "You're not doing enough" to "Be grateful you aren't being recognized, because that is an empty reward compared to all the unseen good work you do out of habit and love"

My theory of everything has a lot more hope and optimism for relationships and purpose. I may not turn out to be brilliant, an authoress, or a leader in anything... but I will still be forever loved and worth loving.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Burnout

Over the last 3-4 years, I've been struggling with an odd mixture of burnout and loneliness. I've made some changes which I think are very helpful, though in turn, I feel more isolated. I want to start new things and meet new people, but it seems like a mountain to climb to get there. When my pastor offered spiritual guidance on Thanksgiving, I snapped up the opportunity. We talked for the first time last night. I confessed to the burden of perfectionism, emotional intelligence, the stress of working and being in a doctoral program, an inability to let go of relationships, and my profound sense of loss created through broken systems and people. He gave me a verse I know well, but in the new voice of The Message.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30

It brought me to tears... of course... after fever, chills, and fatigue I'm in a general state of fragility. But anyway, I've been instructed to ask myself what a real rest would look like... and if any practices exist that would help me learn the unforced rhythms of grace. My pastor even said, "It should be something that sounds... almost fun if not outright fun" This is why I love my pastor (and my church) so much. I've been running along with the weight of 600 laws on me like the Israelites at the point at which Jesus is speaking to them. I've been trained to think that I can only get closer to God if I work at it. When really, God's standing with arms outstretched, saying "Come away with me, recover your life, your laughter, your joy, your confidence. Come be nourished, be filled, be lavished with love."


So here's my invitation to you to let go of the world's burdens, needs, desires and find solace.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Random

Hullo folks,

I don't have anything in particular to say which results in me putting out a warning statement to the waterfall of words that will follow. I just feel it's rather unfair not to update a blog one promised to keep updated. However, the one person who I found out actually reads this blog is sitting next to me. In retrospect, this will hopefully highly amuse her.

I've started a rather highfalutin class called Org and Admin Theory which is entirely more interesting than it sounds... though that might just be the geek in me. Then again, I'm planing on using it to take over the world (muhahahaha) so maybe that's just my fantastical ego-centrism talking. But seriously, it's fascinating business. According to the textbook premise, you cannot be a well-rounded leader. (Jack of all trades... master of none), and you should focus on making your strengths into excellence, not your weakness into mediocrity. Then you need to choose people who have the strengths you are lacking and build an awesome team of world domination....

This was rather liberating to me... only because I was that high-schooler who recognized the impossibility of getting all A's, having a part-time job, volunteering regularly, being a top athlete, and playing in the orchestra. (Not that I didn't try... I am Asian after all...) I quit an awful lot of things because I knew that I was never going to be the best at them. (I do sometimes sound like an egocentric psychopath). The call, and saving freedom of Christ, is that you don't have to be good at everything.  You don't need to please everyone. You certainly don't need to be the best at anything. All you need to do is love the Lord and your neighbor with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And however much the Catholic church and Protestant work ethic try to make you think otherwise... this is something that can NEVER be quantified. So throw of the chains of expectation, get out of the rat-race of the world, say no to someone... and for goodness sake... find out what's wonderful about yourself and celebrate!

For example, my friend over here excels at napping (teeheehee... she's really going to kill me when she reads this). Luckily one can't be killed over distance............yet. Let's not get into wormholes today please. Anyway, I find it quite interesting that the key to the business world and leadership is to realize that you cannot do it all by yourself. It mirrors the illustration in Christianity that we are parts of one body.

If you're wondering what my results are... #1 is empathy (no surprise there).
2. Developer
3. Individualization
4. Strategic
5. Learner

There are 34 themes (I gave you five) if you were remotely curious... and they divide under four main categories: Executing, Influencing, Relationship-builder, and Strategic. My strengths fall under relationship-builder (again no surprise - they are the people that hold the team together) and strategic (only a small surprise). I need an executor (unsurprising since I am the world's worst decision-maker). I think I can probably handle influencing fairly well, but I wouldn't mind a counterpart who has strengths in both. If I find a suitable male counterpart, my hubris finds certainty that our home improvements would become world improvements. Ahaha. Just kidding.

Ok I'm going to stop rambling about nothing in particular and end with this note. Please drive safely and don't end up in a 100+ vehicular highway smash up with fireworks and acid.

Liz