The Theory of Everything

I watched the Theory of Everything today.

My work gives free movie tickets every now and then... but mine were about to expire on 2/5/15 (which also happens to be my brother's birthday. Happy Birthday you old man! Don't worry he'll never see this). So for lack of better movie choices, my friend (the only one who reads these ramblings) and I went to see it.

I left the theater incredibly sad. I should have known better. Any premise involving an atheist is going to end up empty... unless of course they convert into geniuses like C. S. Lewis. It actually wasn't a terrible movie, but I'm extra sensitive. So it bothered me that Jane unequally yoked herself to Stephen. I don't believe in predestination, but it felt like she predestined the relationship to doom. And it bothered me further that she couldn't keep to the vows of sickness and health. The movie is actually a very realistic look at the average marriage. I think that's why it discouraged me. I know that Disney preps you for unrealistic outlooks on love, but I think that a truly enlightened perspective on love preps you for a similar outcome as Disney - only with the knowledge that you will both change into different people, but you will stay together. Really all of this is probably just my old problem rearing it's familiar head again. I simply can't handle relationship endings. It's been blamed on adoption and abandonment theories... but I think it's a very sensible problem.

We were meant to be in community... forever. When heaven meets earth, the happiest moment for me (aside from seeing God face to face) will be the big happy reunion where everyone I've loved is together again.

Ok so not so realistic for everyday life. I do have to learn to let go of people. I'm trying. Not without broken and wrung hearts, but I'll survive. As my grandmother quoted Shakespeare "No one ever died of love"

Anyway, I also realized how I'm not fully healed from last year. I had to attend this "preceptor CEU" work related event. There was some public recognition going on... and it threw me into PTSD mode from the old community I was in. I hate public recognition. Either it makes me feel like a pharisee (if I'm the recipient) or it makes me feel completely inadequate (if I'm not). As I grow older, I receive less and less public attention since I'm not doing anything life-changing or being particularly inspiring. I'm trying to change my gut  reaction from "You're not doing enough" to "Be grateful you aren't being recognized, because that is an empty reward compared to all the unseen good work you do out of habit and love"

My theory of everything has a lot more hope and optimism for relationships and purpose. I may not turn out to be brilliant, an authoress, or a leader in anything... but I will still be forever loved and worth loving.