Freedom

I've been feeling happier lately. It's probably because I shrugged off a huge weight. I always come to the conclusion I have spiritual dementia... because I continually forget and remember truths. It's like coming back to a place you recognize and feeling like "DUH!" This is familiar! Mostly, I've been remembering that I don't have to live up to any standards... academic, worldly (fame/leadership), religious etc.

God is really happy with me. ME. ME! Just as I am. In fact, the less I try to be like anything, the more I am myself. The more I forget myself, the sooner I become more of myself. I don't have to worry about defending myself to the people who hung me out to dry and yet shun me as if I'm the bad guy. I don't have to be that amazing conversationalist. I don't have to change lives. I don't have to save the world. I don't have to be this writer that everyone follows online.

It's nice to just be me. I almost forgot that I used to be in an Improv group, that I tried dancing hip hop (I'm terrible), that I rock on the indoor soccer turf. These are all parts of me that the community I was in stole from me. They stole my confidence. My trust in people. My optimism. My belief in religious groups. My fun. My adventurous side. In the first months, I really thought I might just die. You can die from sadness. You stop eating. You lose weight. You get sick a lot more. You can hardly get out of bed. You waste hours watching Netflix. Sometimes you just want to stop existing. It's too painful.

It's called depression.

I usually only have situational depression that's dependent on my hormones. But when anything bad occurs involving a close relationship, I tend to slump.  It's really quite amazing I kept functioning as well as I did. It proves that I don't need to be on medications. I don't need more help (which is what was thrown in my face). I managed a 4.0 for the first time last semester... coming out of the darkest year of my life.

One of the men I love dearly who I knew was going to choose a celibate life told me carelessly that 25 was going to be the best year of my life. It was the worst. I can't count how many times I wanted to die. But I don't really want to die. I just want to be out pain. Such is the curse of being a highly sensitive person. You know pain intimately. I sometimes think all the famous women poets who committed suicide were probably highly sensitive. We're brilliant, but somewhat unstable.

I'm trying to be stable. I've stuffed most of my feelings in an undisclosed vague place, but they still pop out sometimes. They're popping out now because of the hormones. I'm still hurt, angry, unforgiving. It's only because I set on my brave face and went to mingle with some of the old crew again. The older adults are all amazing and have no idea about the underlying tension. But there are still people I have to deal with who make me feel like a bad word.

So I have to remember that I don't have to prove anything to them. I don't have to be right. I don't have to feel bad that I tried to be vulnerable and get to know them... and they gave me shallow nothingness. I don't have to feel bad that some of them shun me. I don't have to feel bad that one of them basically hijacked my close friend into her best friend. I don't have to feel bad that they probably all talk about me in their women's groups. I don't have to feel like I'm the black sheep. I don't have to worry about what other people think. I only have to worry about what God thinks. And basically... He LOVES ME.

He's grand really. I'm not sure why more people don't realize this. God is the best friend you could possibly have. He never lets you down... and he never leaves you. I've seen tragedies, I've been hurt, I've lost people... but it has never made me doubt God... because He is the ultimate good. I can never understand how people blame things on God.

God is good.

This was a terrible ramble that no one wanted to read... which is why it's good that I'm not trying to save the world via blog anymore. Lol.

Lizzie