I don't have much to say at the moment... except that I can now stalk my one faithful reader even more clearly... because she's not currently where I am. It was somewhat reassuring to check the blog and see her country of current occupation pop up.
Here's what I was writing to a different friend recently...
"You'll have to understand that I have a shield like an electric force field from a fantasy book set around me. They weren't joking in Proverbs when they said "a brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel" I feel akin to the barred gates of a citadel. At the very least, I've developed a biting, dark humor. On a good day, I fancy I'm rather like a brooding, interesting male character from a novel. On a bad day, I imagine I'm a dragon that eats everyone I love alive. I've been in a self-imposed prison for over a year now - living mostly on books and Netflix and loneliness... an entirely unhealthy way to live though I must say that it's honed my ability to write with lovely self-deprecating humor.
I'm probably actually in much better sorts than that (I cut out Netflix completely don't worry!). Around thanksgiving last year, I decided to start putting myself back together. The problem is that I still haven't quite sorted out the good and the harmful. You sort of have to leach the pain out of situations to be able to objectively sort through the wreckage. Unfortunately my sensitivities impede the process in excess of a normal person.
*Insert story of relational woe
And so for quite a time I saw myself as only horror and destruction... hence the self imposed tower of isolation. I'm not sure I was quite in my right mind allowing myself to be so damaged. I had no one to take up my cause of course... except for my parents whom I always believe are unfairly biased so I pay them no mind. So without anyone to defend me, I thought it would be better if I allowed myself to be pulverized into nothingness. Idiot! (I say that affectionately) It was only my own pride and idealization of self that could think self-abasement would assuage anything. So eventually, I began to take my own side... as one ought to do if one has any proper love of self and God. I remembered that I am an absolutely fantastic person and that it is never healthy to depend on anyone besides God anyway. So I plugged myself back into God, captured my pastor for some loving spiritual guidance (he is really great for the soul... even though I know he harries his wife like nothing else. As do all humans), and have been trying to put back together a world with idealization that only roots itself in God. On a good day, I'm intolerably optimistic and a little bit like my old self. On a bad day, I'm simply acting while my snarky wounded self snarls underneath. I'm an impossibly good actor. I should have gone into the business. Maybe then I could marry my favorite criminal minds actor and make horror movies based on myself...
Anyway, it's not as dire as I make it sound. I'm in a small group at church. I keep up with half a dozen friends... at the very least. But it's not what I was created for. I was created for house and home. And yet continually, I'm called to live in a world that is not my own. I despise the way business has leached into medicine. At some point quality was still on the side of care, and then it switched to the side of money. Do you think I want to be a career woman? But in my world, there is no way to fight for what I want. You don't go out asking men to marry you... even if I could actually find anyone who was as passionate, intelligent, and crazy as me. And I know I'm an idealist... but I can't just marry anyone. I'll be wildly unhappy if I'm unequally linked. Then again, when have I ever had the chance to find out who would suit me? Men terrify me. So I'm trying slowly to become acquainted with them through online stuff... which is horrid and I truly hate it.... but I'm glad that I did it. It's not about finding someone. It's about taking a step forward into humanity... and trusting God. I'm quite sure the person I'm meant to marry... if ever I meet them... will be found in person"
At any rate, I've put you through the paces of my darkly amusing thought life. My mood betrays the fact that expressing oneself through blogs is all very egotistical, but since I only have an audience of one... I find it quite acceptable.
The end.
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