Sunday Updates

This whole four day span is supposed to be a Sabbath of sorts, so I guess it's ok to break my usual Sunday routine AGAIN and write a long post.

My day is all confused, since we're in a city with Internet and catching up with things that one needs the Internet for... which are generally things I tried to avoid when resting (ie: school/work). Mostly it's my research project that ever haunts me. I wish it could morph more into a thing of joy (it is sort of) and be less of a thing of dread and horror. Sometimes I think of it as a vacuous "dementor" of sorts. It just looms around sucking the joy and optimism right out of me.

Anyway, not to dwell on that. It's been interesting being away from my usual Sunday routine. My friend's church had a guest speaker who turned out to be a missionary from Africa. I'm an emotional maelstorm as it is this week.... so I'm not sure I'm in the best place to sort out my reactions to this morning's sermon. However, I did realize something very profound.

I am not in a place where I can forget myself.

Obviously, I started a blog where I talk about myself... hahahaha

It's mildly disconcerting to me... mainly because my goal is to be in a place where I do forget myself. The past five years after graduation have been distressing to me. In general, it's awkward to be an unattached young adult. The choices are overwhelming and decisions likewise dizzying - resulting in an ever restless state. I've watched myriads of friends move away to try to find themselves, their soul mates, their vocation, purpose, happiness... the list is as endless as the choices. While I do believe that I'm in the training grounds and developing my character (an extremely important process without shortcuts), I sometimes feel the need to follow in the footsteps of my friends. And I worry that I'm interested only in fame or greatness.

But I don't really think it's greatness for myself that I'm seeking. What I long for most... is to be caught in something greater than myself. Instead of worrying about what I should be doing, who I should be doing it with, and whether I'm fit to be doing what I'm doing... I'd like to be lost in it. The missionary spoke of real tribes of people hungry for Jesus... that he can't see for another 3 years because there are so many other people in front of those people. He spoke of a lack of workers in the face of the harvest. It struck me that so many of us are striving so hard to make a harvest where there is none, and yet there are places where God has already prepared that need us. I think it would be very good for some of us more legalistic, workaholic types to go where God has already prepared... because we could rest from the trying... and simply join in what God is already doing.

On a personal level, I must confess to be wanting to be in a place where I don't have to guess whether I'm needed. It's not that I need to be needed so much as that I don't want to worry about it at all. If you're in a place that desperately needs you - it doesn't matter if you're good at what you're doing, it doesn't matter about the size of the difference you make, it doesn't matter whether you get along with people well or not... it simply matters that you're there.

And that's really the message of gospel. You matter.

A sigh of relief

Hello dear ones,

Greetings from on the other side of "insanity". I have now conducted my stressful research meeting, blitzed through two days of work, and survived being observed by my instructor while I completed a gynecological exam. I also managed to babysit children, acquire a ride to the airport, eat pizza with a friend, have coffee with my aunt, obtain scones and a gift card for my preceptor/office, and complete most of the homework alloted for this week. Now I just need to finish the last day of my clinical, do my laundry, and pack madly. Then it will be bon voyage... and you won't hear from me until Monday because my destination has no internet. Hurray for the dark ages!

On a complete side note... Blue Lily, Lily Blue is out and I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT... Guess what I'll be doing on the plane?

Sorry, this post is devoid of deep thoughts. Currently... too busy to think at all
:)

Unorthodox

Live every day like there's no tomorrow

Today was not a Sabbath. It was more like a cram everything you can possibly think of into a day... My houseguests and I enjoyed a delicious breakfast at the local favorite. I held babies in the nursery during church. I pulled my hair out over a "simple" excel assignment. I went to play apple schmear to relax myself after getting nowhere on the excel assignment. (Apple schmear involves hitting apples with a baseball bat.... ie: extremely messy and cathartic therapy for the stressed person). I freaked out about the insane, upcoming week - which will involve meetings about my research proposal tomorrow, long shifts of work Tuesday and Wednesday, a clinical instructor observing my PAP smear proficiency on Thursday, and then a flight out at 6am on Friday to visit a BFF. (I was admonished by my mother to be optimistic and trust God). I blitzed through three assignments and realized my mother was right (she always is). And I finally topped it off by going to a new church small group (and I don't even attend the church) to meet some more quality, different people in my life... as if I had more things I needed to do.

Oh God. I'm so thankful you're in the insanity... and that even though you admonish Martha to be like Mary... you still love Martha just as much. You want to be in our lives whether we're meditating on a mountain or running around like chickens with our heads cut off. I'm sorry I couldn't honor you today as I wanted... or get traditional rest... but I am so thankful that you provide rest from worry and drama even when we don't do everything right and we mess up horribly. Grace is wildly scandalous and distributed to all generously. There is no formula for happiness or living well. There is only trust.

Lunatic Liz

New love

I have a new love. KALE!

I'm really REALLY tired. I never used to have dark circles under my eyes... but I'm developing some in the dark room... well it's actually not dark or I would be sleeping. Wordplay fail. I'm too tired to do this. I know why famous people go off the deep end... because they try to create masterpieces for insatiable appetites... or worry about numbers instead of quality.

It's sick. But it's inside us all.

I like being my own crazy self. I'm sitting here in bed with a clean, delicious smelling house that is sheltering two people... one person I never met until today. It's grand. I sliced myself good trying to cut the butternut squash though. I should really have a little memo that I wake up to every day that says something like. RELAX you don't have to save the world! I should get a husband to tell me that every day. Hahahaha. That is one of the higher priorities on my list of husbandly qualities. Must be... calm, laid back, chill, relaxed, easygoing...

But I didn't choose to write a blog to sigh about the qualities I want in a man. When the right one turns up... he'll surprise me I'm sure. Some wise book told me rather unromantically... that heartache is similar to a toothache. You can get over it. Some people wonder why single people are so busy... I think that being busy is one of the best ways to "get over it". Other people accuse us of using busy to avoid the problem or run from the quiet. But I think idleness only produces moodiness... and I would much rather be busy in my acts of charity provided I remember it's no substitute for the peace of God's presence.

Which I'm now going to enjoy.
Night

Xenodochium

Evening folks,

Seems like the only time I ever get here anymore is in the evening. Probably shows that I have a semblance of a life. Hahaha... that's a joke. Unlike many stereotypical cybersessed (that's cyber-obsessed) people, I do not just bum around and play online/video games. I have a ridiculously busy life. I just make priorities (probably bad ones) for things like this. I could be sleeping for example... and I should be, since the insane, masochistic side of me picked up more hours at work... and I feel a sore throat coming on. So I'm drinking honey chamomile tea... because of course as I explained in an earlier post... tea has become my British idiosyncrasy cure-all.

Anyway, I wasn't going to write, because for once... my brain is too tired to think much, but then I was enjoying the blustery autumnal night and my hot tea so much that I started to get a second wind... until I started typing. Now I have no idea what I was going to say and whether it would have even been coherent. Besides, I've picked up 8 hours of work tomorrow, I have to get the house ready for guests, since a friend of a friend's father died and they need a home to stay for the weekend. I think I've housed at least 4 or 5 people for various lengths of time up to a month since living here for barely over a year. Some day I'll have a proper xenodochium. 

Oh right... I promised to flesh out the xenodochium for you. Might as well do it now since I can always be coherent about my dream. If you look up the word, since it is a weird word, you will actually find a definition. Originally, it was known as a medieval house for care of the poor, strangers, pilgrims, or the sick. The earliest Christians started it... because of course they rocked at actualizing love. My dream is to have a BIG house... and rent out rooms to people of varying ages, socieconomics, culture, etc. I find the real problems in life are not solved by shoving more money at them, but by people who help you through them. I know so many lonely people. I want to make connections - be a matchmaker of friendships. I want the elderly not to be stuck in a nursing home, but able to be with the young... and to feel like they can still contribute to lives. I want the teen mom to have someone to mentor her.  I want the poor to have someone to teach them life skills they didn't have time to learn, and the rich to stop hiding behind things and invest in people again. These are generalizations. Not every rich person is lonely, not every poor person lacks life skills, not all the elderly are separated from family, not all teen moms lack a supportive older woman in their life. BUT. These cases also do exist... and I would love my home to be full of people who aren't blood related, but are FAMILY. There's more to it... but I really must go to bed.

Good night!
Yours idealistically,
Lizzle

Song of the Oak

Stand tall 

Shelter the weak

Reach for the heavens

Feed the hungry

Die gloriously

Photo credit: Me

Good morning starshine!

This morning I popped up and had breakfast with some coworkers. It was glorious. (That's the extrovert talking). It is seriously important to cultivate relationships (and drink coffee). At least, I've found that to be true for me. I wish every day I could wake up and drink a warm beverage with people! I do love waking up early too. I'm a morning girl... even when I'm an insomniac until 2 am. When I was little... I used to pop up at 5 am (totally my parents fault for mandating a 7pm bed time) and then I would either read the medical encyclopedia or The Book of Virtues. (I was always destined to be strange).

I do worry that the art of relationships is being completely lost. Trying to get to know someone in a large group is next to impossible. The last two times I've gone to huge group events... only a fraction of the people turned up... and while this may be discouraging to the people organizing them... I just have to say it's a blessing in disguise. Then the people who actually do take the time to show up have the wherewithal to really get to know each other (if they know how to). And I definitely do... because I have a fascination with what makes people tick... and what they are passionate about.

I don't know what I'm talking about... and I've got to get started on the schoolwork. I want to ACE my OB-GYN exam this week. And I am horrible at standardized testing... argh!

So I'm going to cram as much of the luteal phase, gubernaculum, condyloma acuminata facts in my head as possible. I mean... I'm actually going to try to understand what's going on instead of simply cramming facts into my head. Oh the education system.... don't get me started on that subject.

More to come!
Lollygagging Liz

A bit of word vomit... sorry!

Phew... today was nutty. It was the day of meetings... work, extracurricular, and church. So there are a million things I could say, but due to my caffeine intake yesterday (and subsequent insomnia until 2 am) I don't have the time to prioritize this day of writing as much as the others (my apologies).

I will say that being it's the month of Halloween and I've watched Criminal Minds too much... it was rather amusing for me to get a call from an unavailable number with creepy static in the background that proceeded to hang up on me after a few seconds. Hello stalker!

On a more serious note (because let's face it... once I get started... even if I say I should go to bed... I'm going to end up writing a small novel). I have an amazing friend whose been working on body image with the community in my city. It started out when she saw billboards from the plastic surgeons essentially pronouncing "Go Confidently..." and get a tummy tuck. So she started taking pictures of people as we are and posting our pictures with the meme "Go Boldly - Love your body" Tonight, we gathered together to form the word "Love" with our bodies and also hear from a soon to be famous authoress who has written a book on her experience with body image, running, and eating disorders. (And we ate delicious sushi!!!!)

I met a special woman who has battled through a physically abusive past, homelessness, and probably many resulting psychological issues... who is now awesomely completing college. Getting to spend time with her was an amazing mesh of my schoolwork (I'm doing a presentation on child abuse) and themes that I keep seeing in people. She related being a control freak (due to her past) and I realized how closely that mirrors the history I've had with rescuing people from eating disorders. Perfectionism isn't always just about image... it is about control... and control is about feeling safe.

Some people say it is wrong to strive for safety... that it can become an idol. But here's the thing. If you never had the feeling of safety - you essentially inherit a hoard of psychological problems. Even if your safety bonds have been interrupted before you were able to consciously remember it (as in my case when adopted), your internal stability is forever changed. I will always have greater issues with loss of relationships than the average person because of something I can't even remember. It's hard for me to accept, but it's becoming more obvious the older I become.

The key is not in striving for safety or ignoring safety completely... but in knowing that a safety net always exists whether or not you can see it. A baby will only leave his mother if he knows he can return immediately. I think that it is silly to say that safety is an idol - comfort? Yes. Safety? Not so much. We need to feel safe in order to be able to confront all that is unsafe. We need to know that even if everything around us is falling apart... there still remains someone constant.

I'm really not sure where I'm going with this now... so I'm going to bed. But my small preachament for the day exists in this true statement. God is on your side. He is your safety net. If anyone has made you feel otherwise, they are lying. He has said "Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you". He gave up his own safety and became human that you might have that steadfast promise.

Faith and truth

Hullo dear folk,

I'm writing late tonight... but thankfully on an emotional up. I had a full and glorious day. I had a couple thoughts while I was running tonight (Only a couple?!)

If you struggle with depression, the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself is... (drum roll please)

Remember that feelings are temporary and that how you feel... eventually will pass (either with time, or therapy, or a good chat with someone, or medications etc). You will not necessarily be able to change how you feel, but you can control how you react. People often like to tell depressed people to "snap out of it" or "be more optimistic". Sometimes, it is impossible to see a bright side. That is ok. It does not make you a bad person to feel what you feel. It does not mean you're not trying hard enough and failing. However, it does make you vulnerable. You cannot allow your feelings to rule you - or you will become a victim to them. Disney may tell you to "follow your heart", but this is NOT the time to listen to Disney!!!!!! Those feelings are strong, if you let them lead you, it will be down a dangerous path. This is how you lose your life... by believing lies that sound completely absurd to your mind. For example, "everyone is better off without me" or "things will never change, I'll always be a screw-up". The mind laughs at those thoughts blithely... knowing they are completely ridiculous and unfounded... but the heart.... the heart shudders with the echo of those feelings it mistakes for truths.

In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis writes "Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."

This is what is needed in the face of the raging emotions of despair, hopelessness, and worthlessness. And sometimes... sometimes you need a real, live human being to speak the truth and rationalize through the feelings with you. That is why there are hope lines. That is why I aspire to be a person who speaks the truth and hope. Because sometimes you need to hear the truth in order to break the enchantment of lies that feelings have entangled you in. It is the truth that will set you free

We need less of people trying to doctor us up... and more of people reminding us who we already are. 

Love,
Liz

Longing

"The desire is thy prayers; and if thy desire is without ceasing, thy prayer will also be without ceasing. The continuance of your longing is the continuance of your prayer" ~ St. Augustine

Photo credit: me

You do not have to build a bridge to talk to God - nor do you have to drag him down. God is not far or distant. He is right beside you... with every breath and longing. It is in our deepest yearning that we realize just how near he is.

Fryday

Hi invisible nation,

I decided to let the blog sit for a day without any activity to see what would happen... it was as I expected. Ghost town. Not even the four views a day that occur right after a post that are either a serial killer or complete spam - but that's ok! This is after all first and foremost for me - though I do hope whatever is helpful gets out into the weird world of cyberspace to those who need it. 

I also didn't write because I was absolutely crushed under some unknown weight of misgiving, fear, and wretchedness. I could not get my head above the waters... so I took snorkel down and assumed dead man's float position... which actually keeps your head above water... so that's completely inaccurate. Anyway, I also wonder if updating everything constantly just creates alert fatigue (which is something I'm all to familiar with in the world of CPOE). But I guess I already established that very few people are going through these.

I should probably insert a peppy picture here.

Photo credit: me

This was me stuffing my face with chicken sauteed in garlic, onion, olive oil, Worcestershire sauce, and a touch of brown sugar after I got home from work. Let it be known... I can cook. Even if sometimes I really don't want to because I've just been a teacher, a counselor, a server, a waiter, an IT helper, a mom, and a drug dealer (aka a nurse). 

Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)

Hullo beings from another spatial dimension!

I'm at clinical on lunch break... bringing you the special lunch edition of Paper Faces! I was cleaning out my email inbox and found an excerpt from Elaine Aron on highly sensitive people. It's always fun to rediscover truths that you've forgotten about.

Elaine defines the HSP as having a sensitive nervous system, being aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and being more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment. A key quality is that they process everything around them much more - reflect on it, elaborate on it, make associations. When this processing is not full conscious, it surfaces as intuition.
http://www.hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-person/

She also notes that HSPs have stronger feelings and that this is NOT a flaw. However, it can sometimes make things more difficult. We can be overwhelmed and overstimulated quickly - and also experience pain with more intensity. This chunk of quote struck me the most today.

"For whatever reason, we are more easily struck by the full impact of a birth or the threat of death. When a mother behaves badly we feel her as more than that--as the archetypal bad Mother with all her devouring and destructive energy. When we have a chance to do good, we feel the thrill of the heroic as we step in to do our share. When we see lightning strike close by; stand near a river overflowing its banks; hear a child crying in despair; or watch two large, angry male animals fighting for dominance; we are moved to our very roots, every sense alert and every nerve alive."

This is particularly true of me... and speaks to so much of the reason I'm here writing. Because I am aware of so much, I'm constantly processing - and I like to make associations and may pick up on subtle social or cultural connections. My feelings of loneliness and difficulty with people leaving my life also stem back into this. I tend to demand more depth in a relationship to feel satisfied and that is why I often am left feeling lonely or discontent with relationships - because many people cannot sustain a relationship that deep. Plus, I see more threatening consequences in people's flaws or behaviors - which is why I worry all the time that my standards are too high. Additionally, I've always had sort of sixth sense about emotional and social situations... which is reflected in that intuition of processing that is not fully conscious.

Anyway, enough about me for now. It's just nice to be reminded that I'm not crazy or maudlin. I'm just me. :)

Ennui

Every now and then... I have one of those days.

Like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Only... it's not that things go wrong.

It's more like I can't get out of my skin. I cannot stop being sad, restless, or lonely. I suppose it's what you call depression, but I don't get it for the clinically appropriate time (2+weeks). So it's just like major depressive day.

I do everything right... I run, I visit my counselor, I eat healthy, I get enough sleep, I don't procrastinate and get tons of homework done. I even have spurts of motivation or lurches of hope...

But then I get dragged back down into the depths of despair.

I think it's probably from not getting enough sleep. I need massive amounts of sleep... I'm talking at least 10 hours a night and at the very minimum 8.

At any rate, I'm having one of those days. It's kind of nice to be able to rant about it to no one. I know no one is listening. The problem with social media is that it creates a false sense of being heard and connected to others.... like if I posted this on my facebook... I would hope that someone I knew would comment or try to take care of me... but I know (from experience) that few would because a) nobody wants to hear about your bad day and b) there's nothing really they can do from afar.

But with my trusty alter ego... I can tell you about how I really just feel like giving up, how I don't want to keep getting up after falling down. I can tell you how I feel like there is no end in sight... no solution to get me out of this state... and that I'm tired of being the brave one that asks for help and keeps pushing forward. I can tell you that sometimes everything is ennui - which is a really cool french word for a really uncool state of utter weariness, discontent, and dissatisfaction. I can tell you that I'm so tired that I don't want to have to go on. I can tell you all this without worrying that you're going to think I'm about to kill myself (because I'm not...) and because you don't even exist to respond.

It's almost enough to get me out of the depths of despair... because true despair is found when a tree is falling down in the forest and no one hears it.

Oh wait. We visited that topic before. I gave a nice pep talk to you. Now I need it repeated back to me. Hahaha. The point is... I absolutely detest social media primarily because it does present a false safety net of connection. I'm happier talking to a completely non-existent audience who can never reject me, than trying to engage a real audience whose indifference would only bury me further into the pits. This probably means I'm a coward. But I'm ok with that. Today I need to be a coward. Tomorrow I'll hunt my demons.

We all deserve off days. There's no point in beating yourself up over it. Christians have an absolutely psychopathic tendency to beat each other up over weaknesses. I really understand feeling like you've had the Bible beaten over your head. On behalf of loving people, I apologize for that. Love yourself first... then love your neighbor. And don't give up! (I'm certainly am not). After cheering myself up by creatively writing to no one about nothing... I'm going prescribe myself a sound 8.5 hrs of sleep.
 
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Appearance

I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking (of course) on body image, expectations, cultural influences, unconscious prejudices, subliminal messaging, and what it means for people. I'm going to use this post to try to organize my thoughts.

I've been following MGG for a while... it's utterly ridiculous. But I can't seem to stop, because something about all the bits and pieces I pick up from interviews and things fascinates me for several  reasons. I watch people a great deal. Makes me sound like a total creepy stalker I know. I should be an anthropologist really. Understanding what motivates and connects people... is one of my passions. So what I pick up from Matthew is a lot of uncertainty about himself in general. It's not that he's lacking in confidence... nor is it a bad thing. I just find self-effacement with a history of being bullied... combined with a hypercritical, perfectionistic personality to point to some extent of uncertainty. You might not think it, but I can tell you from experience, that people whose worth has been put into question tend to be very hard on themselves. Subliminally, I think it's like you're always trying to make up for something... whether you're conscious of it or not.

At any rate, I'm completely off-topic. So I've been stuck on this concept of appearance because Matthew has a fantastic and unique aesthetic sense. It is immediately apparent in his artwork which you can find here: http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/ 

But I also love what he has to say, "Conventional beauty is as rare as being, for instance, a dwarf or something, so to me, it’s on the same spectrum. It’s as unique, and as beautiful, and so I’ve never understood why, just because someone has, like, big blue eyes, which is really rare, why is that more beautiful than someone having, like, really tiny hands, or some feature that’s really unique and therefore very beautiful to me?”

I've combined this thought with my own fallibility regarding how I view others, as well as with the situation of a close friend who has cerebral palsy.  My friend and I often talk about marriage, since we'd both love to be married. At 26, people often tell you to stop being so picky... and I do worry about realistic expectations. I've been pursued by three guys in my adult life... and two out of the three were balding or had receding hairlines. There were other reasons I preferred not to date them, but I was very aware of my immediate gut reaction to them because of their looks. This is not to say I hate bald men. My pastor is bald and I think he's the most fantastic person ever... and I'd even marry him (if he wasn't married with six kids). But it's gotten me to think about how culture trains us to view our ideal mates. I know why my friend who has CP is having trouble dating... it's because guys can't get past the walker or other limitations she has. And to be honest... when I think about the person I want to marry... it doesn't include a vision of a guy with a walker. But let's think about what our marriage vows say... "In sickness and in health" At any time, your spouse/significant other could get in a MVA (motor vehicle accident) and become paralyzed from the neck down... and I'm guessing you would still love them. I think it's true that when you really love someone - you love them for everything that's inside of them. So then why can't we include people with physical limitations in our dream ideals? If what we're looking for has to do with the inner workings of that person, why does the outward appearance matter to the point my friend will always have trouble finding someone who wants to date her?

There can be no other answer than that we're trained otherwise. If there's one thing that frustrates me to no end about media in the United States, is its ability to make all the desirable characters the same body type/aesthetics. Even MGG - who plays somewhat misunderstood characters, is classically attractive. He's tall, proportional, and overall very attractive... obviously a million people really like him. This is the case in almost every piece of media ever created for us. Even the annoying advertisements proclaim this. It's not like it's just the culture of today either. This dates back to Greek aesthetics and Roman infanticide of disfigured or weak babies.

As much as I'd rather be dating someone as attractive as MGG, I have to ask myself whether I'll be able to accept a man who is strong in all the regards I care about, but may not look the way I envision strength to be. Can I overcome the subliminal message that's been drilled in me from every aspect of society, culture, and media? I pray to God I can.

I certainly love my friend with CP. And ever since I read that quote by Matthew, I realized that I'm missing out on an incredible beauty in her.  We've had makeovers and done photoshoots together where we both look rather glamorous - but it's not that conventional look which should give us confidence. All those things which we consider weaknesses or odd, are actually quite lovely. Those are the things that make us... us. It's been said before, but I don't think it's really comprehended with people like Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson, Taylor Swift and others paraded around. It's not to say they're not unique or beautiful - but they do conform to the conventional norm. I don't see crutches, blotches, buck teeth, squinty Asian eyes like mine (haha), or any hint of asymmetry. Just saying... So even though we aspire to think all people are beautiful, it is difficult for us to believe it.

Regardless, I think it's important to remember that while we may say we are not influenced by how people appear, we may still be unconsciously affected. Also, try to love the way you are - including all the things you wish to hide. At the very least, I hope that by quoting someone as attractive as MGG, I can convince you of that (Ahahaha... I'm aware that comment entirely forfeits the rest of my post, but I couldn't resist). But seriously, you are stunningly made and extremely attractive. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Be yourself in all your glory. :)
 
Liz

#CPawareness #MGG #unconventionalbeauty 

Grace

Today I ran completely on grace (with a side of coffee)... but seriously... even the coffee wouldn't have worked without grace. I've been going for so long with so little sleep I'm not sure what is up or down... but I made it through the day without losing my temper or crying. I even facilitated an excellent day for a student and managed a patient who crashed pretty spectacularly. Actually, I was energized and happy for the entire day. I also managed to drink two glasses of water and open the front door to my house with the right key blindly on the first try.

Sometimes there's no explanations, but for the supernatural.

There was no human way I would have made it through today happily or with an energy... except by grace.

Be brave

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage

~ Lao Tzu

Sunday is about rest, but also fellowship. And fellowship is not easy. For we are all prone to wound each other. Yet, it is not good to be alone. So be brave, be vulnerable, and may you find love, strength, and courage. 

Life happens

Dear beautiful esteemed people,

I set out to write every day; yesterday I broke that rule... for two reasons.

1) Some rules are meant to be broken. For those of us that struggle with becoming legalistic and pretentious, it's always a good idea to break a few rules as long as they don't hurt ourselves or anyone else.

2) I had another completely nutty day at work - 12 solid hours of being on my feet. Disoriented patients, family members to reassure, doctors to negotiate with, tests to plan for, blood to hang, tube feedings to wrestle with, new admissions, the whole nine yards. Then I spent 3-4 hours on the road to visit family and destination arrival occurred at 1am my time. I actually got on the Internet to post something and realized I had absolutely nothing coherent or interesting to say.


Now that it's a new day, I can share with you the pure enjoyment of life happening. It was up in the air whether we would make this trip at all (and yes... I still travel with my parents). I am stiff, sleep-deprived, struggling not to get sick - and yes I'm am really enjoying myself. I dragged myself out of bed at 8 am... and was immediately inundated with my little people and hauled up to the lair of the attic. Barbies and Superheros were indiscriminately shoved at me. Ballet moved displayed, soccer balls thrown, Frozen music played. And then the pouting began. It's really too bad I can't clone myself (hahaha that sounds terribly vain. I don't mean it that way... it's just that my niece and nephew have infinite trouble sharing me).

I love hanging out with children. Yes, I have to "endure" hair-brushing, playacting, silly dancing, breaking up potential arguments, being dragged everywhere, getting soccer balls thrown at me... etc, but I will always be popular and accepted. Perhaps it's my size, but I think it's because children know that I am totally invested in them. It's easy to invest in people you know will not reject you. It's a mutual safety net... children know I'm safe and loving... and I know they're safe and loving. I wish the adult world was just as easy to deal with.

Anyway, welcome to life happening. This is my life. I looked at my mom today and thought... she is so beautiful. How can she be a grandma? As I drank my coffee, I soaked in my family time. I am so lucky to have a loving family. We're dysfunctional... don't get me wrong. But there's no dark secrets lurking in the basements. I have to stop stop watching criminal minds. It makes me so sad that there are people who don't have this. Someday, I hope to provide many people with a safe home like mine. I dream of the xenodochium. I'll tell you about it later. Right now, I have to get back to my littles.

Love,
Liz

#Family #Rulebreaking #Lifehappens

Fall

FALL IS MY FAVORITE SEASON!!!!!!

When everything is dying... but GLORIOUSLY.

Cider!

Donuts!

 

Pumpkin spice lattes!

Crispy apples and air!

Hayrides... full of sneezing and flirting!

Artprize!

 

I felt the last post was too serious to end the day on... So I decided to blurt out my love for fall and some photography I've documented of the last few years of autumn. And my favorite fall poem.

 

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

~Rainer Maria Rilke