Oh Happy Day

It amazes me how many people have completely missed Big Hero 6.

SUCH a good movie by the way. And I would marry either of the brothers. (Yes that made my friends choke on laughter yesterday... and yes I would wait till Hiro got the proper age). 

Yesterday was bliss filled. I woke up, treated myself to delicious Kava House coffee, and spent the day with my poor nauseated beyond belief friend. I changed diapers, folded laundry, played with small children, and even managed to get in a school lecture. I also made birthday banana chocolate chip muffins and most of the dinner, so when her husband got home we all ate a satisfying meal. Have I mentioned I like feeding people? And he brought home flowers for me. I LOVE FLOWERS! We also listened to epic music, read a confusing bible (the artist was confused... the 2 year old got fixated on a tree that was very odd. It was pink, look like it had a mouth, and was bent... so he reckoned someone had "throwed it". Yes try imagining how someone makes a tree look like that! Ha), and I got dragged in and out of a (real) truck to rescue (imaginary) cats from trees and put out (imaginary) fires. Did I mention I love children?

We also watched Big Hero 6... which somehow... none of them had seen. I love watching good movies with people who haven't seen them.

And my cousin posted a hysterical meme with anime Sherlock texting Happy Birthday for me.

Aw.

I was also touched by my family's sudden FB mania. It's sucked them in and I can't stop laughing. Not to mention my guy friends called me successively at way too late of an hour... I was shocked and touched that they were the ones to call... not my girl friends. My niece and nephew also called with lots of singing and jumbled talk that had to be translated by my brother. Aside from that my phone blew up with texts... and I was probably most moved that my friend who I've had so much pain over... left me a gorgeous card on my porch.

Anyway, I could probably keep going, but this isn't really beneficial to anyone. What I have learned is the practice of extrapolating contentedness. We often think... oh I won't be happy until I'm loved by this person, or doing this thing, or accomplished with this. I've begun to realize we can be happy with anything if we set our mind to it (As Abraham Lincoln was supposed to have said. "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be") So I want to be a housewife with seven children? I got that yesterday. I want to feel loved and cherished by one guy? Why one? Why guy? I've got dozens of friends who adore and cherish me... I can be plenty happy with that. In fact, I don't need much. The Lord will provide. And that is more than enough.

A special smirk

I'm particularly snarky today. I don't know what it is about certain days, but sometimes I wake up much more adept to writing in amusing, dark, semi-self deprecating tones than others.

I don't have much to say at the moment... except that I can now stalk my one faithful reader even more clearly... because she's not currently where I am. It was somewhat reassuring to check the blog and see her country of current occupation pop up.

Here's what I was writing to a different friend recently...

 

"You'll have to understand that I have a shield like an electric force field from a fantasy book set around me. They weren't joking in Proverbs when they said "a brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel" I feel akin to the barred gates of a citadel. At the very least, I've developed a biting, dark humor. On a good day, I fancy I'm rather like a brooding, interesting male character from a novel. On a bad day, I imagine I'm a dragon that eats everyone I love alive. I've been in a self-imposed prison for over a year now - living mostly on books and Netflix and loneliness... an entirely unhealthy way to live though I must say that it's honed my ability to write with lovely self-deprecating humor.

I'm probably actually in much better sorts than that (I cut out Netflix completely don't worry!). Around thanksgiving last year, I decided to start putting myself back together. The problem is that I still haven't quite sorted out the good and the harmful. You sort of have to leach the pain out of situations to be able to objectively sort through the wreckage. Unfortunately my sensitivities impede the process in excess of a normal person.

*Insert story of relational woe

And so for quite a time I saw myself as only horror and destruction... hence  the self imposed tower of isolation. I'm not sure I was quite in my right mind allowing myself to be so damaged. I had no one to take up my cause of course... except for my parents whom I always believe are unfairly biased so I pay them no mind. So without anyone to defend me, I thought it would be better if I allowed myself to be pulverized into nothingness. Idiot! (I say that affectionately) It was only my own pride and idealization of self that could think self-abasement would assuage anything. So eventually, I began to take my own side... as one ought to do if one has any proper love of self and God. I remembered that I am an absolutely fantastic person and that it is never healthy to depend on anyone besides God anyway. So I plugged myself back into God, captured my pastor for some loving spiritual guidance (he is really great for the soul... even though I know he harries his wife like nothing else. As do all humans), and have been trying to put back together a world with idealization that only roots itself in God. On a good day, I'm intolerably optimistic and a little bit like my old self. On a bad day, I'm simply acting while my snarky wounded self snarls underneath. I'm an impossibly good actor. I should have gone into the business. Maybe then I could marry my favorite criminal minds actor and make horror movies based on myself...

Anyway, it's not as dire as I make it sound. I'm in a small group at church. I keep up with half a dozen friends... at the very least. But it's not what I was created for. I was created for house and home. And yet continually, I'm called to live in a world that is not my own. I despise the way business has leached into medicine. At some point quality was still on the side of care, and then it switched to the side of money. Do you think I want to be a career woman? But in my world, there is no way to fight for what I want. You don't go out asking men to marry you... even if I could actually find anyone who was as passionate, intelligent, and crazy as me. And I know I'm an idealist... but I can't just marry anyone. I'll be wildly unhappy if I'm unequally linked. Then again, when have I ever had the chance to find out who would suit me? Men terrify me. So I'm trying slowly to become acquainted with them through online stuff... which is horrid and I truly hate it.... but I'm glad that I did it. It's not about finding someone. It's about taking a step forward into humanity... and trusting God. I'm quite sure the person I'm meant to marry... if ever I meet them... will be found in person"

At any rate, I've put you through the paces of my darkly amusing thought life. My mood betrays the fact that expressing oneself through blogs is all very egotistical, but since I only have an audience of one... I find it quite acceptable.

The end.

Come Awake!

Hullo darling cyberians,

I'm afraid I've been a little doomsy. It's funny. Every spring I come to the same conclusion... that I was only half awake during the winter. When the sun stretches out longer and the air smells fresher, I come alive... ROARING ALIVE. I think... how could I consider what I did over the winter living? I was functioning... breathing... but was I feeling a thing? It's not like I struggle with depression (Ok I do...) but it's not like I can identify feeling unmotivated or unhappy; it's just like I suddenly come to my senses with a lightning strike. I feel. I cry. I want to create. I ache. I dance. I want to save the world. I want to fall in love. Everything is possible. Everything is beautiful. There is hope again. It would be a bit manic if it cycled more often than with only Spring. 

I hold it close to my heart as a reminder of the resurrection I await every day, every moment.

This year though... it feels like it's been more than a year since I've felt this way. The chains have been strong. The demons fierce. They've been holding my head under water for so long. I can hardly believe what a wondrous world it is... as I come to the surface. Of course, listening to EPIC MUSIC probably doesn't help, but I'm just so happy to feel again. It's like a movie where you watch all the ropes popping off the bound person... just snapping away.

Ok well I have to go do cartwheels of joy or something... hahaha just kidding. It's midnight. I don't think my neighbors would be very happy with me.

Good night my loves.

There is enough life and hope for the world.

JESUS CHRIST FOREVER

The Raven Boys

I am Gansey burdened with glorious purpose, weighted with wealth, love and power, compelled to compensate through some noble contribution. And tied to friends who are always walking away…

I am Ronan incapable of infidelity, turned savage by the losses dealt me, ferocity hiding tenderness. And able to pluck things from my dreams and turn them into reality. 

I am Adam terrified and ashamed of the darkness in my heart.

And I am Noah… a bit dead, wistful, and very lost