Me

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Freedom

I've been feeling happier lately. It's probably because I shrugged off a huge weight. I always come to the conclusion I have spiritual dementia... because I continually forget and remember truths. It's like coming back to a place you recognize and feeling like "DUH!" This is familiar! Mostly, I've been remembering that I don't have to live up to any standards... academic, worldly (fame/leadership), religious etc.

God is really happy with me. ME. ME! Just as I am. In fact, the less I try to be like anything, the more I am myself. The more I forget myself, the sooner I become more of myself. I don't have to worry about defending myself to the people who hung me out to dry and yet shun me as if I'm the bad guy. I don't have to be that amazing conversationalist. I don't have to change lives. I don't have to save the world. I don't have to be this writer that everyone follows online.

It's nice to just be me. I almost forgot that I used to be in an Improv group, that I tried dancing hip hop (I'm terrible), that I rock on the indoor soccer turf. These are all parts of me that the community I was in stole from me. They stole my confidence. My trust in people. My optimism. My belief in religious groups. My fun. My adventurous side. In the first months, I really thought I might just die. You can die from sadness. You stop eating. You lose weight. You get sick a lot more. You can hardly get out of bed. You waste hours watching Netflix. Sometimes you just want to stop existing. It's too painful.

It's called depression.

I usually only have situational depression that's dependent on my hormones. But when anything bad occurs involving a close relationship, I tend to slump.  It's really quite amazing I kept functioning as well as I did. It proves that I don't need to be on medications. I don't need more help (which is what was thrown in my face). I managed a 4.0 for the first time last semester... coming out of the darkest year of my life.

One of the men I love dearly who I knew was going to choose a celibate life told me carelessly that 25 was going to be the best year of my life. It was the worst. I can't count how many times I wanted to die. But I don't really want to die. I just want to be out pain. Such is the curse of being a highly sensitive person. You know pain intimately. I sometimes think all the famous women poets who committed suicide were probably highly sensitive. We're brilliant, but somewhat unstable.

I'm trying to be stable. I've stuffed most of my feelings in an undisclosed vague place, but they still pop out sometimes. They're popping out now because of the hormones. I'm still hurt, angry, unforgiving. It's only because I set on my brave face and went to mingle with some of the old crew again. The older adults are all amazing and have no idea about the underlying tension. But there are still people I have to deal with who make me feel like a bad word.

So I have to remember that I don't have to prove anything to them. I don't have to be right. I don't have to feel bad that I tried to be vulnerable and get to know them... and they gave me shallow nothingness. I don't have to feel bad that some of them shun me. I don't have to feel bad that one of them basically hijacked my close friend into her best friend. I don't have to feel bad that they probably all talk about me in their women's groups. I don't have to feel like I'm the black sheep. I don't have to worry about what other people think. I only have to worry about what God thinks. And basically... He LOVES ME.

He's grand really. I'm not sure why more people don't realize this. God is the best friend you could possibly have. He never lets you down... and he never leaves you. I've seen tragedies, I've been hurt, I've lost people... but it has never made me doubt God... because He is the ultimate good. I can never understand how people blame things on God.

God is good.

This was a terrible ramble that no one wanted to read... which is why it's good that I'm not trying to save the world via blog anymore. Lol.

Lizzie

The Theory of Everything

I watched the Theory of Everything today.

My work gives free movie tickets every now and then... but mine were about to expire on 2/5/15 (which also happens to be my brother's birthday. Happy Birthday you old man! Don't worry he'll never see this). So for lack of better movie choices, my friend (the only one who reads these ramblings) and I went to see it.

I left the theater incredibly sad. I should have known better. Any premise involving an atheist is going to end up empty... unless of course they convert into geniuses like C. S. Lewis. It actually wasn't a terrible movie, but I'm extra sensitive. So it bothered me that Jane unequally yoked herself to Stephen. I don't believe in predestination, but it felt like she predestined the relationship to doom. And it bothered me further that she couldn't keep to the vows of sickness and health. The movie is actually a very realistic look at the average marriage. I think that's why it discouraged me. I know that Disney preps you for unrealistic outlooks on love, but I think that a truly enlightened perspective on love preps you for a similar outcome as Disney - only with the knowledge that you will both change into different people, but you will stay together. Really all of this is probably just my old problem rearing it's familiar head again. I simply can't handle relationship endings. It's been blamed on adoption and abandonment theories... but I think it's a very sensible problem.

We were meant to be in community... forever. When heaven meets earth, the happiest moment for me (aside from seeing God face to face) will be the big happy reunion where everyone I've loved is together again.

Ok so not so realistic for everyday life. I do have to learn to let go of people. I'm trying. Not without broken and wrung hearts, but I'll survive. As my grandmother quoted Shakespeare "No one ever died of love"

Anyway, I also realized how I'm not fully healed from last year. I had to attend this "preceptor CEU" work related event. There was some public recognition going on... and it threw me into PTSD mode from the old community I was in. I hate public recognition. Either it makes me feel like a pharisee (if I'm the recipient) or it makes me feel completely inadequate (if I'm not). As I grow older, I receive less and less public attention since I'm not doing anything life-changing or being particularly inspiring. I'm trying to change my gut  reaction from "You're not doing enough" to "Be grateful you aren't being recognized, because that is an empty reward compared to all the unseen good work you do out of habit and love"

My theory of everything has a lot more hope and optimism for relationships and purpose. I may not turn out to be brilliant, an authoress, or a leader in anything... but I will still be forever loved and worth loving.