Serenity

I know I don't usually post on Sundays, because Sabbath is truly for rest.

But I'd like to just pop in a quick post to say I'm not always having drama! So bienvenidos... to the less wacky world of Liz. As I stated in the last post, part of the difficulty in being particularly articulate... is to be able to articulate the extensive experiences of me.

I could keep it all in, but I think that would be extremely unhealthy and rather dishonest. Believe me... sometimes I'd rather just quarantine myself and never let anyone in. But if we are to survive, we must continue to be in relationships. The problem is that communication is a tricky business. We do not go telling everyone everything we think about them. It would be mass chaos and many hurt feelings. However, if we don't speak certain truths, we will eventually explode. How we communicate is the key to every relationship.

I communicate too much of my overwhelming feelings. So... another reason to have a blog. I can communicate in excess and no one will be overwhelmed. It is a little bit embarrassing to be so freely known to a world of unknown beings. But at least I'm not hurting anyone this way.

Anyway, I didn't start this post to discuss this myself or my strange issues. I wanted to speak a few reminders that comfort me when I find myself despairing.

The truth of Christianity is found in the depths of despair, because we find how flimsy all that it is we have done with our hands.

I have nothing

No testimony without conflict

No purity untainted

No knowledge uncontested

Nothing but my faith

In you

My strength is not revealed in success

Or the list things I’ve done right

It is found when all I think I am

Is stripped away

And all that remains
Is you
As long as I have faith in you
You will fix the mistakes I have made
You will heal the wrongs I have done
You will bring to life what is dead
I do not need to be a force for good
I do not need to have the answers
I do not need to be a hero
All I need to be is someone who believes
In you

Life is a lot more simple and free when this is true.

Levity and heartbreak

Hullo beautiful cyberspaciens,

I did not fall off the face of the earth - nor was I particularly busy. I was just plain preoccupied. As much as I'd like to say something thanksgiving-y... all I can think at the moment is "Why is there so much pinging through France on this blog?" According to the blogging website that is. According to my creepy stalking google analytics page, only people from the U.S. ping through. I'm not sure I'm even using proper terminology here... ping... ping... ping...

Is it raining? Is the old man snoring? That's a very depressing song btw. He pretty much sustains a head concussion and dies...

Ok sorry. My brain is rather scattered. I just worked a 12 hour shift... and plan on working another tomorrow. And I'm still trying to arrange family matters. My mom: "I lost your cousin's phone number" Me: "I thought I gave it to you the other night" Mom: "I lost it again! I'm up to my neck in stuff! Can you call her?" So I texted my cousin to tell her that someone would pick her up. I have no idea whom, because someone also has to pick up my Grandmother... and it won't be me because I'm stuck here working!

All I can think is... Good gravy! I need to be home helping my sick mother cook for all these people (she is sick... sounds like a frog). 

Meanwhile, I've been trying to recover from a broken heart. No it's not a boy (what is a boy?). No joke. I'm being facetious right now because I'm exhausted but also in better spirits. We're not going to go into details because one should never be too vulnerable on the world wide web of  intrigue and hackage, but also because you probably couldn't handle it. That's really the problem. No one seems to be able to handle it. I feel so strongly and I am able to verbalize so poignantly... that people seem to get hurt just listening to me. Apparently I'm a very hurtful person. I've been discovering all the people I've lived closest with are telling me I'm an unhealthy and negative person. Since they are the people I've lived with, I assume they know me pretty well... so they probably have a pretty accurate view of me... which has plunged me down to the utter depths of despair.

So much so... that I've concluded never to speak to another person again of my true feelings (ahahaha). You can see how well that's going. I've been in this position many times. I mentioned the PTSD feelings before. And yet I never learn. I think it's impossible for me to learn. I will always be an open, optimistic, vulnerable person. Though sometimes it causes me to doubt whether that's worth anything and to want to curl up and not move ever again. (Lol... Translation: I'll "always" be open, optimistic, and vulnerable except when I'm despairing, depressed, and closed-mouthed)

Feelings. Drama. Hello walking disaster of emotions!

If I could be less embarrassing or cover up with my paper face... I would. But I can't. I have to be a real person. And this is really me. And if people can't handle that... then I either need to change, or get used to it. It doesn't have to be dramatic. The facts are that I'm a highly sensitive person who is prone to mood swings... but they as predictable as a werewolf... so I can warn people ahead of time.  The problem really lies in the fact that I didn't realize the enormity and severity of the issue in years of yore. Normal women have PMS... which is already scary... but I have a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm such a understanding, thoughtful, optimistic, patient person... EXCEPT WHEN I'M NOT. And that's when I'm judgmental, selfish, negative, impatient, and impressively oversensitive. So it's understandable why people have such a conflicted view of me... and probably why they are extra hurt. I am the best and worst friend wrapped up in one person.

Great. (stated with an extremely sarcastic undertone) It's the realistic view. But I'm not sure it helps me feel much better. But I'm learning. There are many things I can do to help... such as

a) eating well
b) exercising
c) sleeping...

Speaking of which. I need to go... so I can wake up in 10 hours and save lives while everyone else eats turkey.

Yours trying to keep her head above the waters,
Mr. Hyde (BEWARE THE JEKYLL!)

Winter Wonderland

Hullo folks!

Well. A lot has happened since I last touched base. Most prominently, we've been buried in over a foot of snow the last few days.

Due to the snow, and the fact the plows never get to the side streets, I adventured to work by walking...

And promptly lost my phone in the snow. I have some hormonal imbalances. I probably mentioned them before. Never mind them really since you don't want to know about them... but they SERIOUSLY affect my ability to lose things.

It's awful.

On the other hand, I've been debating whether to ditch my smartphone because a) I watched too much Criminal Minds and know how easily these things can be tracked (Oh serial stalker... please find my phone for me, since I can't) b) I spend way too much time on it. Since my phone is my alarm... it ends up being the first thing I see. Starting your morning with social media is just SO less healthy than starting it with God, or stretching... or breakfast! c) It's SO EXPENSIVE. Gahhh I'm such a looney, but I just can't handle spending the extra amount of money equivalent to what I send to my compassion child monthly for a smartphone. It's just not worth it. I appreciate the GPS. I appreciate being able to look up things on the spur of the moment. But it's not worth all the other problems it causes. Not to mention the temptation to use it while driving.

I can feel my brain cells devolving from smartphone use. I am a creative person. I used to play the piano, engage in swimming, soccer, and ballet, paint, crochet, draw, and write. I was even on an improv team in college! Now I blog. And sometimes run. 

Yikes! It's time for a re-wiring of my hardware. So I'll take my losses with joy. 

I do hate losing things though. I dug through two blocks of snow piled up half a foot to look for it. I felt like the shepherd looking for the 99th sheep. I can't rest until I find it! I'm still hoping it'll turn up when (IF?) everything melts... even though it'll be completely dead. I'll still be able to hold it and say HA! You can't get away from me! It was a nice reminder for God to pop in and say, "Hey! Remember me? I pursue you in the single minded way you're looking for your phone right now. Don't forget that. I love you"

Thanks God :)

The message you need to hear today

Life is messy.

It is not black and white. It is a huge inferno of gray.

The same can be said of you. You are not all good or all bad.

This may not seem like a newsflash. Yet I think it is subliminally unrecognized or challenged. I suspect that religion and culture has shaped us to believe otherwise and it is extremely detrimental for several reasons.

In the first most obvious place, it is impossible to thrive and love well if you believe yourself to be a miserable worm of a person who is predisposed to evil. You have to have hope that you can choose what is good and be good.

BUT. If you hold yourself to a perfect standard of goodness, you will be forever shattered every time you make a mistake and find out your capability for what is not good.

In other words, you are a good person, but expect to make a lot of bad mistakes!

To live life joyfully and without cynicism or anger, we must expect ourselves and others to make mistakes... even big mistakes... and still be inherently valuable people.

It is much easier to villify someone who has hurt you than to recognize they made a mistake and are still an amazing person. See culture and media for references. It is even sometimes easier to wallow in your wrongdoing rather than knowing you are meant for something better and moving on. Now perhaps you can see how affected we are by how we think of this issue.

There can be no degrees of holiness or attainment of holiness. There are no saints or sinners... only saints AND sinners... sinnaints perhaps. Hagios or the Greek for holy signifies "separated"
We are all set apart for good... which is God (whether you recognize it or not*) We have already been claimed for what is good - we just need to continually step toward it. And when we slip up and find ourselves in the completely opposite direction, we need not despair - only remember what is good and turn back toward it.

Never mind defining or debating what is good right now. The point is... YOU CAN MAKE MISTAKES AND STILL BE GLORIOUS AND HEROIC

There's a list of biblical "heroes" that reminds us of their mistakes which I love.

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious

So do not allow yourself to despair, to become cynical, or to believe you are not good enough. You have already been claimed as good enough and no amount of mistakes will ever change that!

Lots of love,
Liz

*See the dwarves in C. S. Lewis's book The Last Battle.

Nursing Informatics

Irony is spouting off your dreams... and then reading about their foundational existence in your Nursing Informatics book the next day.

It's kind of exciting to me. I guess I'm a little behind in the tech world. Ahaha. No surprise there. It's nice to know that other people have connected the dots about how helpful (and hurtful) social media can be to the medical profession.

There are Clin Wikis and interactive health blogs and even a site called "PatientsLikeMe" which involves people sharing experiences with chronic conditions. Apparently there's even an entire world called "Second Life" (SL) where you can literally devise a second life of your own. It is tied into the medical world by providing and exploring opportunities for people with disabilities or amputees.

It's all a little much for me to take in.

I still think my idea is singular because it focuses more on relationships. I don't think anything works without relationships. Unfortunately, they are a lot of work... and I think a lot of people somehow missed that concept. Anyway, the point of any online thing I established would be to connect people to exhort and grow together. Basically, discipleship... to use a very biblical term and scare a lot of you. Hahaha. Come now. How are we going to ever experience transformation and health and wellness unless we work on it together? You all know how easily an exercise program flops when you're by yourself. I wonder if it is possible to rework a better understanding of discipleship online? Probably only if you're a creative writer.

OK I'm not really sure where I'm going with this thought... so I'm going stop procrastinating and get back to my homework.

Ask the doctor

I have a lot of problems with the way healthcare is set up these days.

I also have a huge head full of knowledge on why it is the way it is.

Some days I think my head will explode.

Here's the thing: A lot of the time, people need love more than they need medicine. They need a relationship to keep them healthy, accountable, and alive.

I've always had this crazy dream to start a random hope line... where people can just call to talk things out.

I love working through problems and life with people. If there was a job that involved simply living with people and helping them REALLY LIVE LIFE, I would be so happy.

Since there is no job (and one can argue that it is everyone's job), I endeavor to do this outside of my work in almost all of the relationships I have. I also do this in my job... though there is considerably less time to do it well (one of the numerous issues I have with healthcare). 

At any rate, I had a random thought today that I should start an online board: It would be titled #Askthedoctor and it would include both conversation and connection. It could be the start of something that would actually lead to greater relationships and better outcomes. The thing is... it would have to be sue free. I feel that the majority of problems with careers these days... is that everything is a lawsuit in process. How can we care for each other when we're in fear of being prosecuted to oblivion? #Askthedoctor would be more of a relational site than a professional one. It would incorporate professional opinion - but also include corporate findings. People are individual and unique. They can find solace in other people's experiences. This would be a place people could collaborate on specific health issues and also have professional input and explanations behind the input. Providers really need to improve their explanations. I remember the moment I fully realized the entire care practice is built on research. Understanding the reasoning behind decisions and advice doctors make would be so helpful! It would build trust and ability for people to follow through.

Who knows. I'm not a lawyer... who I'm sure could shoot many holes through my idealistic dreams. (Ahaha). But I'll keep dreaming away (at odd hours of the night).

Doctor in training (but not M.D.)
Liz

Screen time

Hi beautiful people,

I know I shouldn't be here. I should be asleep. I should meditating. Sometimes I think that the screen really is going to reach out and suck me into oblivion. The screen time is brutal when you're an online student. I think I'm going slightly insane. One can only study alone for so long. Ridiculously, I've already spent three hours talking with a friend over flower tea while baking pumpkin chocolate chip bread in addition to having sort of socialized at a meeting with my research project team. And yet I'm still starved for company and communication. I'm probably the most ridiculous creature born under the sun.

Anyway, I don't really have anything profound to say, because I'm supposed to be asleep. But here is the insomniac. It's probably because I drank coffee... and after 10am. As an HSP (highly sensitive person if you forgot), it's very dangerous to drink coffee except for at 6am. Also, drinking even one cup of coffee a day affects your fertility. (This falls under things you never wanted to know... and trials of being a medical student).

I believe I've hit my manic stage of the month... where I proceed to make lots of baked goods and believe anything is possible. And don't worry, I'm not actually bipolar, it's all hormonally related (Another thing you really didn't want to know). At least, I thoroughly understand myself. I've given up being sensible though. Writing this blog is entirely nonsensical. My mother would be thoroughly horrified. On one hand, I agree with her (having been raised by her) being transparent on public ground is rather horrifying. But on the other hand, I simply can't see any point in being anything other than yourself... and being me entails being open and authentic all the time. I also think that the Internet with all its vast potentially corrupt reaches has an inordinate amount of possibilities and redemption to help and connect people... if we do it correctly. So I'll keep doing my crazy thing here - a genuine representation of zany everyday life with a dash of encouragement and lots of lumpy, chaotic mess.

Love, Liz

Owl be back!

It's way too late for me to be up writing,

But I just had to say... today was superb (aside from me being ridiculously exhausted). I completed the spur of the moment book for my niece that I wrote and illustrated in two days (since I have to miss her birthday party... due to work). My mom (the teacher) suspects she has sensory issues... so I kind of wanted to make a book that she could relate to and that was also empowering. She loves princesses... and owls are really cute. So I ended up rewriting the Princess and the Pea as "The Owl Princess and the Pine cone". Also the hero in the story is NOT a prince. It's the princess's wise old Aunt (ahahahaha... I see what you did there Liz...)

Copyright: ME

I also visited my grandmother. I really enjoy spending time with people. Have you noticed? I almost cried though... silly me. I so badly want to place my child in her arms. It's bad enough I lost my grandfather... as complex a man as he was (Don't get me started on family dysfunction). I really want her to be able to hold my first child at least. I'm so lucky to be close to my grandmother and my family. I love that my mum's whole side of the family still gets together for Christmas. Family is so important. It's one of the reasons I'll probably be stuck here forever. As much as I want to run wild all over the country (not to mention the world), I can't imagine a life where I was inaccessible to them... and I don't just mean inaccessible communicably (since cyberspace makes almost everywhere accessible)... I mean inaccessibly physically.

OK I really need to sleep so I can go be nursely tomorrow. Counter to what you're taught in college... critical thinking does actually require sleep!

Lucky Liz

Rainy day

Hello beautiful people of cyberspace!

No I have not been murdered! Though my absence from the blogspace does seem to have made the site more popular. Oh yes! I track everything that goes through my site. Who knows... I could be hacker extraordinaire! *as evil a chuckle as I can muster up*

OK... not so much. Anyway, it's not that I haven't been thinking, but there's only so much thinking one can do and actually get somewhere. A lot of thinking ends up being repetitive. I decided there was no point in putting you through that. While I do think the blog should be a truthful reflection of humdrum me, I also don't want you to have to read through lists of things I've done every day... which is what ends up happening if I'm extremely tired or having a mind blank.

At any rate, I've been having a little bit PTSD. I've been hurt by several individuals and an entire community. You could say it's my own fault for being idealistic and oversensitive. At least, that's what I imagine all these people say behind my backs (oooo freudian typing slip... I only have one back I promise! And I don't have multiple personality disorder... though, I have been accused of having borderline personality disorder). Do you know the worst part of having your mental state questioned? It's not the anguish and hurt cast by other people's suspicions. It's when you start questioning yourself.

I think that I have every right to be angry and hurt in the way I've been treated, but because I have been accused of not knowing my own mind and "needing more help", I sometimes don't know if I can function because I can't process the hurt or anger without doubting myself. I'm in a stalemate which predisposes one to spiral into depression.

My PTSD occurred when I was dealing with a patient who actually had borderline personality disorder. I was trying to explain why it's so difficult to deal with a person who has BPD, when I looked up the description of the disorder and was completely paralyzed. It's a funny thing when you're truthful with yourself. You can look at any disorder and say... oh that's true of me.

The thing is... these disorders are true of ALL of us. We're dysfunctional in a myriad of ways. But it isn't our identity. You can't really even be diagnosed of a disorder unless it's affecting your work and relationships. So maybe it happened in one relationship, but I have many more that have lasted since the 4th grade. I've held the same job for 5 years. I survived college and am surviving grad school (mostly... lol). And yes... I have issues, but I'm learning how to deal with them well. Just because one person thinks I need help, should not override the other 30 people who think I'm reacting normally. The scariest thing is letting people back in. If this happened with one person who I was close with... what are the odds that if I let people in again they'll all come to the same conclusion? My trust has been completely shattered. I don't know how to rebuild. So I sit and watch Criminal Minds... which is entirely counterproductive because it's a slew of psychologically disturbed criminals.

So that's me right now (large fake grin). It's not so bad today. I'm moving forward. I just have little setbacks when the PTSD cripples me. Is it silly to have PTSD over emotional wounds? Probably. But it's worth it to be able to show you that you are not alone, that real people do experience a slew of psychological issues without ever being crazy, that accusations do not have to make up your identity. The point of the blog is to show you that people can be real, messy, strong, and wonderful all at the same time.

Love,
Liz
#reallifeismessy