Healthcare reform

Lest you think I've completely gone underground, or forsaken yet another blog, I will POP UP (Like daisies!... Name that movie)

I've started a new semester that basically runs on insanity. Work is requiring critical staffing because acuities are ridiculously high for some strange reason. People it's summer! Stay out of the hospital! And then school requires me to cram hours of clinical into an unreasonably short time. Not to mention I have to drive 40 minutes to get to the clinical site... but that's nothing compared to my co-worker who has to get to Traverse City for hers. So I shan't complain. Our newest class has spawned more passionate reactions from me. So I'll post one of our assignments here instead of rambling off complaints.


There is an old anonymous proverb that if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but if you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. This is remarkably applicable concerning the current state of healthcare reform. Too often, we see a policy created to help one aspect of the problem, which then opens up Pandora’s Box to a myriad of new dilemmas. I would argue that the single most cost effective and efficient solution in the movement for healthcare reform is to focus spending on public health education.

Now this doesn’t solve everything with a snap of the fingers. I realize that what I have suggested is a broad platform. Who specifically do we give resources to? Do we push for health promotion classes in our public education systems? Do we put more money toward school and public health nurses? Should we focus on propagating healthier advertisements? Where does this money come from? However, the real question is whether business, government, and even individuals will realize the value of education.

My point is that all those questions are mute if people don’t invest in the importance of education. People cannot make informed decisions to improve their health until they understand why it is important and take ownership for it. Therefore knowledge equates empowerment. Let me put it another way. In the beginning of life, we provide care for babies because they are completely helpless and do not have the knowledge or ability to provide for themselves. As they grow, we expect them to assume more responsibility because they have grown in knowledge and skills. Imagine you have an infant who is never taught to speak, or walk, or socialize. He is left alone in a bed all day long. The baby would quickly deteriorate and die. We call this neglect. Yet in the same manner, we leave people to fend for themselves concerning their health. You may have been shuffled to the dentist, harped on to eat fruits and vegetables, and enrolled in some kind of sports activity, but not every child has those opportunities. Due to poverty and health inequalities, many children do not have a home environment that fosters healthy living. Where else will they learn these skills and tools to care for themselves unless we offer it in the public health realm?

So, I posit that if investment is not given to public education concerning healthcare, then those in charge can be considered neglectful. Furthermore, if we cannot even provide people with the knowledge for healthy living, how can we expect them to make important decisions on health care policy? To truly change the state of healthcare and provide health for a lifetime, we must empower the people. As that is best accomplished through education, we must put our resources there. 

 

Oh Happy Day

It amazes me how many people have completely missed Big Hero 6.

SUCH a good movie by the way. And I would marry either of the brothers. (Yes that made my friends choke on laughter yesterday... and yes I would wait till Hiro got the proper age). 

Yesterday was bliss filled. I woke up, treated myself to delicious Kava House coffee, and spent the day with my poor nauseated beyond belief friend. I changed diapers, folded laundry, played with small children, and even managed to get in a school lecture. I also made birthday banana chocolate chip muffins and most of the dinner, so when her husband got home we all ate a satisfying meal. Have I mentioned I like feeding people? And he brought home flowers for me. I LOVE FLOWERS! We also listened to epic music, read a confusing bible (the artist was confused... the 2 year old got fixated on a tree that was very odd. It was pink, look like it had a mouth, and was bent... so he reckoned someone had "throwed it". Yes try imagining how someone makes a tree look like that! Ha), and I got dragged in and out of a (real) truck to rescue (imaginary) cats from trees and put out (imaginary) fires. Did I mention I love children?

We also watched Big Hero 6... which somehow... none of them had seen. I love watching good movies with people who haven't seen them.

And my cousin posted a hysterical meme with anime Sherlock texting Happy Birthday for me.

Aw.

I was also touched by my family's sudden FB mania. It's sucked them in and I can't stop laughing. Not to mention my guy friends called me successively at way too late of an hour... I was shocked and touched that they were the ones to call... not my girl friends. My niece and nephew also called with lots of singing and jumbled talk that had to be translated by my brother. Aside from that my phone blew up with texts... and I was probably most moved that my friend who I've had so much pain over... left me a gorgeous card on my porch.

Anyway, I could probably keep going, but this isn't really beneficial to anyone. What I have learned is the practice of extrapolating contentedness. We often think... oh I won't be happy until I'm loved by this person, or doing this thing, or accomplished with this. I've begun to realize we can be happy with anything if we set our mind to it (As Abraham Lincoln was supposed to have said. "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be") So I want to be a housewife with seven children? I got that yesterday. I want to feel loved and cherished by one guy? Why one? Why guy? I've got dozens of friends who adore and cherish me... I can be plenty happy with that. In fact, I don't need much. The Lord will provide. And that is more than enough.

A special smirk

I'm particularly snarky today. I don't know what it is about certain days, but sometimes I wake up much more adept to writing in amusing, dark, semi-self deprecating tones than others.

I don't have much to say at the moment... except that I can now stalk my one faithful reader even more clearly... because she's not currently where I am. It was somewhat reassuring to check the blog and see her country of current occupation pop up.

Here's what I was writing to a different friend recently...

 

"You'll have to understand that I have a shield like an electric force field from a fantasy book set around me. They weren't joking in Proverbs when they said "a brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel" I feel akin to the barred gates of a citadel. At the very least, I've developed a biting, dark humor. On a good day, I fancy I'm rather like a brooding, interesting male character from a novel. On a bad day, I imagine I'm a dragon that eats everyone I love alive. I've been in a self-imposed prison for over a year now - living mostly on books and Netflix and loneliness... an entirely unhealthy way to live though I must say that it's honed my ability to write with lovely self-deprecating humor.

I'm probably actually in much better sorts than that (I cut out Netflix completely don't worry!). Around thanksgiving last year, I decided to start putting myself back together. The problem is that I still haven't quite sorted out the good and the harmful. You sort of have to leach the pain out of situations to be able to objectively sort through the wreckage. Unfortunately my sensitivities impede the process in excess of a normal person.

*Insert story of relational woe

And so for quite a time I saw myself as only horror and destruction... hence  the self imposed tower of isolation. I'm not sure I was quite in my right mind allowing myself to be so damaged. I had no one to take up my cause of course... except for my parents whom I always believe are unfairly biased so I pay them no mind. So without anyone to defend me, I thought it would be better if I allowed myself to be pulverized into nothingness. Idiot! (I say that affectionately) It was only my own pride and idealization of self that could think self-abasement would assuage anything. So eventually, I began to take my own side... as one ought to do if one has any proper love of self and God. I remembered that I am an absolutely fantastic person and that it is never healthy to depend on anyone besides God anyway. So I plugged myself back into God, captured my pastor for some loving spiritual guidance (he is really great for the soul... even though I know he harries his wife like nothing else. As do all humans), and have been trying to put back together a world with idealization that only roots itself in God. On a good day, I'm intolerably optimistic and a little bit like my old self. On a bad day, I'm simply acting while my snarky wounded self snarls underneath. I'm an impossibly good actor. I should have gone into the business. Maybe then I could marry my favorite criminal minds actor and make horror movies based on myself...

Anyway, it's not as dire as I make it sound. I'm in a small group at church. I keep up with half a dozen friends... at the very least. But it's not what I was created for. I was created for house and home. And yet continually, I'm called to live in a world that is not my own. I despise the way business has leached into medicine. At some point quality was still on the side of care, and then it switched to the side of money. Do you think I want to be a career woman? But in my world, there is no way to fight for what I want. You don't go out asking men to marry you... even if I could actually find anyone who was as passionate, intelligent, and crazy as me. And I know I'm an idealist... but I can't just marry anyone. I'll be wildly unhappy if I'm unequally linked. Then again, when have I ever had the chance to find out who would suit me? Men terrify me. So I'm trying slowly to become acquainted with them through online stuff... which is horrid and I truly hate it.... but I'm glad that I did it. It's not about finding someone. It's about taking a step forward into humanity... and trusting God. I'm quite sure the person I'm meant to marry... if ever I meet them... will be found in person"

At any rate, I've put you through the paces of my darkly amusing thought life. My mood betrays the fact that expressing oneself through blogs is all very egotistical, but since I only have an audience of one... I find it quite acceptable.

The end.

Come Awake!

Hullo darling cyberians,

I'm afraid I've been a little doomsy. It's funny. Every spring I come to the same conclusion... that I was only half awake during the winter. When the sun stretches out longer and the air smells fresher, I come alive... ROARING ALIVE. I think... how could I consider what I did over the winter living? I was functioning... breathing... but was I feeling a thing? It's not like I struggle with depression (Ok I do...) but it's not like I can identify feeling unmotivated or unhappy; it's just like I suddenly come to my senses with a lightning strike. I feel. I cry. I want to create. I ache. I dance. I want to save the world. I want to fall in love. Everything is possible. Everything is beautiful. There is hope again. It would be a bit manic if it cycled more often than with only Spring. 

I hold it close to my heart as a reminder of the resurrection I await every day, every moment.

This year though... it feels like it's been more than a year since I've felt this way. The chains have been strong. The demons fierce. They've been holding my head under water for so long. I can hardly believe what a wondrous world it is... as I come to the surface. Of course, listening to EPIC MUSIC probably doesn't help, but I'm just so happy to feel again. It's like a movie where you watch all the ropes popping off the bound person... just snapping away.

Ok well I have to go do cartwheels of joy or something... hahaha just kidding. It's midnight. I don't think my neighbors would be very happy with me.

Good night my loves.

There is enough life and hope for the world.

JESUS CHRIST FOREVER

The Raven Boys

I am Gansey burdened with glorious purpose, weighted with wealth, love and power, compelled to compensate through some noble contribution. And tied to friends who are always walking away…

I am Ronan incapable of infidelity, turned savage by the losses dealt me, ferocity hiding tenderness. And able to pluck things from my dreams and turn them into reality. 

I am Adam terrified and ashamed of the darkness in my heart.

And I am Noah… a bit dead, wistful, and very lost

Me

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Freedom

I've been feeling happier lately. It's probably because I shrugged off a huge weight. I always come to the conclusion I have spiritual dementia... because I continually forget and remember truths. It's like coming back to a place you recognize and feeling like "DUH!" This is familiar! Mostly, I've been remembering that I don't have to live up to any standards... academic, worldly (fame/leadership), religious etc.

God is really happy with me. ME. ME! Just as I am. In fact, the less I try to be like anything, the more I am myself. The more I forget myself, the sooner I become more of myself. I don't have to worry about defending myself to the people who hung me out to dry and yet shun me as if I'm the bad guy. I don't have to be that amazing conversationalist. I don't have to change lives. I don't have to save the world. I don't have to be this writer that everyone follows online.

It's nice to just be me. I almost forgot that I used to be in an Improv group, that I tried dancing hip hop (I'm terrible), that I rock on the indoor soccer turf. These are all parts of me that the community I was in stole from me. They stole my confidence. My trust in people. My optimism. My belief in religious groups. My fun. My adventurous side. In the first months, I really thought I might just die. You can die from sadness. You stop eating. You lose weight. You get sick a lot more. You can hardly get out of bed. You waste hours watching Netflix. Sometimes you just want to stop existing. It's too painful.

It's called depression.

I usually only have situational depression that's dependent on my hormones. But when anything bad occurs involving a close relationship, I tend to slump.  It's really quite amazing I kept functioning as well as I did. It proves that I don't need to be on medications. I don't need more help (which is what was thrown in my face). I managed a 4.0 for the first time last semester... coming out of the darkest year of my life.

One of the men I love dearly who I knew was going to choose a celibate life told me carelessly that 25 was going to be the best year of my life. It was the worst. I can't count how many times I wanted to die. But I don't really want to die. I just want to be out pain. Such is the curse of being a highly sensitive person. You know pain intimately. I sometimes think all the famous women poets who committed suicide were probably highly sensitive. We're brilliant, but somewhat unstable.

I'm trying to be stable. I've stuffed most of my feelings in an undisclosed vague place, but they still pop out sometimes. They're popping out now because of the hormones. I'm still hurt, angry, unforgiving. It's only because I set on my brave face and went to mingle with some of the old crew again. The older adults are all amazing and have no idea about the underlying tension. But there are still people I have to deal with who make me feel like a bad word.

So I have to remember that I don't have to prove anything to them. I don't have to be right. I don't have to feel bad that I tried to be vulnerable and get to know them... and they gave me shallow nothingness. I don't have to feel bad that some of them shun me. I don't have to feel bad that one of them basically hijacked my close friend into her best friend. I don't have to feel bad that they probably all talk about me in their women's groups. I don't have to feel like I'm the black sheep. I don't have to worry about what other people think. I only have to worry about what God thinks. And basically... He LOVES ME.

He's grand really. I'm not sure why more people don't realize this. God is the best friend you could possibly have. He never lets you down... and he never leaves you. I've seen tragedies, I've been hurt, I've lost people... but it has never made me doubt God... because He is the ultimate good. I can never understand how people blame things on God.

God is good.

This was a terrible ramble that no one wanted to read... which is why it's good that I'm not trying to save the world via blog anymore. Lol.

Lizzie

The Theory of Everything

I watched the Theory of Everything today.

My work gives free movie tickets every now and then... but mine were about to expire on 2/5/15 (which also happens to be my brother's birthday. Happy Birthday you old man! Don't worry he'll never see this). So for lack of better movie choices, my friend (the only one who reads these ramblings) and I went to see it.

I left the theater incredibly sad. I should have known better. Any premise involving an atheist is going to end up empty... unless of course they convert into geniuses like C. S. Lewis. It actually wasn't a terrible movie, but I'm extra sensitive. So it bothered me that Jane unequally yoked herself to Stephen. I don't believe in predestination, but it felt like she predestined the relationship to doom. And it bothered me further that she couldn't keep to the vows of sickness and health. The movie is actually a very realistic look at the average marriage. I think that's why it discouraged me. I know that Disney preps you for unrealistic outlooks on love, but I think that a truly enlightened perspective on love preps you for a similar outcome as Disney - only with the knowledge that you will both change into different people, but you will stay together. Really all of this is probably just my old problem rearing it's familiar head again. I simply can't handle relationship endings. It's been blamed on adoption and abandonment theories... but I think it's a very sensible problem.

We were meant to be in community... forever. When heaven meets earth, the happiest moment for me (aside from seeing God face to face) will be the big happy reunion where everyone I've loved is together again.

Ok so not so realistic for everyday life. I do have to learn to let go of people. I'm trying. Not without broken and wrung hearts, but I'll survive. As my grandmother quoted Shakespeare "No one ever died of love"

Anyway, I also realized how I'm not fully healed from last year. I had to attend this "preceptor CEU" work related event. There was some public recognition going on... and it threw me into PTSD mode from the old community I was in. I hate public recognition. Either it makes me feel like a pharisee (if I'm the recipient) or it makes me feel completely inadequate (if I'm not). As I grow older, I receive less and less public attention since I'm not doing anything life-changing or being particularly inspiring. I'm trying to change my gut  reaction from "You're not doing enough" to "Be grateful you aren't being recognized, because that is an empty reward compared to all the unseen good work you do out of habit and love"

My theory of everything has a lot more hope and optimism for relationships and purpose. I may not turn out to be brilliant, an authoress, or a leader in anything... but I will still be forever loved and worth loving.

Burnout

Over the last 3-4 years, I've been struggling with an odd mixture of burnout and loneliness. I've made some changes which I think are very helpful, though in turn, I feel more isolated. I want to start new things and meet new people, but it seems like a mountain to climb to get there. When my pastor offered spiritual guidance on Thanksgiving, I snapped up the opportunity. We talked for the first time last night. I confessed to the burden of perfectionism, emotional intelligence, the stress of working and being in a doctoral program, an inability to let go of relationships, and my profound sense of loss created through broken systems and people. He gave me a verse I know well, but in the new voice of The Message.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30

It brought me to tears... of course... after fever, chills, and fatigue I'm in a general state of fragility. But anyway, I've been instructed to ask myself what a real rest would look like... and if any practices exist that would help me learn the unforced rhythms of grace. My pastor even said, "It should be something that sounds... almost fun if not outright fun" This is why I love my pastor (and my church) so much. I've been running along with the weight of 600 laws on me like the Israelites at the point at which Jesus is speaking to them. I've been trained to think that I can only get closer to God if I work at it. When really, God's standing with arms outstretched, saying "Come away with me, recover your life, your laughter, your joy, your confidence. Come be nourished, be filled, be lavished with love."

So here's my invitation to you to let go of the world's burdens, needs, desires and find solace.

Random

Hullo folks,

I don't have anything in particular to say which results in me putting out a warning statement to the waterfall of words that will follow. I just feel it's rather unfair not to update a blog one promised to keep updated. However, the one person who I found out actually reads this blog is sitting next to me. In retrospect, this will hopefully highly amuse her.

I've started a rather highfalutin class called Org and Admin Theory which is entirely more interesting than it sounds... though that might just be the geek in me. Then again, I'm planing on using it to take over the world (muhahahaha) so maybe that's just my fantastical ego-centrism talking. But seriously, it's fascinating business. According to the textbook premise, you cannot be a well-rounded leader. (Jack of all trades... master of none), and you should focus on making your strengths into excellence, not your weakness into mediocrity. Then you need to choose people who have the strengths you are lacking and build an awesome team of world domination....

This was rather liberating to me... only because I was that high-schooler who recognized the impossibility of getting all A's, having a part-time job, volunteering regularly, being a top athlete, and playing in the orchestra. (Not that I didn't try... I am Asian after all...) I quit an awful lot of things because I knew that I was never going to be the best at them. (I do sometimes sound like an egocentric psychopath). The call, and saving freedom of Christ, is that you don't have to be good at everything.  You don't need to please everyone. You certainly don't need to be the best at anything. All you need to do is love the Lord and your neighbor with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And however much the Catholic church and Protestant work ethic try to make you think otherwise... this is something that can NEVER be quantified. So throw of the chains of expectation, get out of the rat-race of the world, say no to someone... and for goodness sake... find out what's wonderful about yourself and celebrate!

For example, my friend over here excels at napping (teeheehee... she's really going to kill me when she reads this). Luckily one can't be killed over distance............yet. Let's not get into wormholes today please. Anyway, I find it quite interesting that the key to the business world and leadership is to realize that you cannot do it all by yourself. It mirrors the illustration in Christianity that we are parts of one body.

If you're wondering what my results are... #1 is empathy (no surprise there).
2. Developer
3. Individualization
4. Strategic
5. Learner

There are 34 themes (I gave you five) if you were remotely curious... and they divide under four main categories: Executing, Influencing, Relationship-builder, and Strategic. My strengths fall under relationship-builder (again no surprise - they are the people that hold the team together) and strategic (only a small surprise). I need an executor (unsurprising since I am the world's worst decision-maker). I think I can probably handle influencing fairly well, but I wouldn't mind a counterpart who has strengths in both. If I find a suitable male counterpart, my hubris finds certainty that our home improvements would become world improvements. Ahaha. Just kidding.

Ok I'm going to stop rambling about nothing in particular and end with this note. Please drive safely and don't end up in a 100+ vehicular highway smash up with fireworks and acid.

Liz

Resolution

HAPPY NEW YEAR beloved cybspacians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a crazy end of the year, but full of love and family. I just got back from my Aunt's. Her family is completely zany and full of shouting laughter. I love them so much. They are warm, intelligent, hysterically funny, thoughtful, and hospitable. I desperately wanted to stay longer, but I have to work tomorrow (Somehow, I ended up working Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day...) I work tomorrow because I had to get Monday off to spend with my niece and nephew. My parents took them for a stretch of five days and I knew I had to be there to help. They are quite a handful. I'm completely worn out, but I must say that it was worth it.

The neighbors, of the loudest bass, are out in full swing... laughing loudly too. I was hoping beyond all hopes the weather would deter them, but they're still outside on the porch YELLING. I think it's the intoxication.

And anyway, I never sleep well on New Year's Eve. I have troubles with resolution and endings. I hate endings. They wake the Sehnsucht in me or as C. S. Lewis (yes him again) says, the "inconsolable secret" or the "desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience" (From the Weight of Glory).

I also like to think deeply about my resolutions. New beginnings and second chances cannot be taken for granted. I've been thinking hard (as usual) about my life and finally feel ready to make changes. I was really laid low by the legalism of the church and religion in the last 3 or 4 years. It drove me to break many good habits and indulge in a general moral laziness. I've come back to the proper place now and want to engage my will again. Discipline and routine sound pleasing in the way exercise sounds pleasing. I know they will make me feel healthier and happier. The thing about Christianity is... it truly involves the whole person = body, mind, and will.

C. S. Lewis writes, 

“Love in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion.  It is a state not of feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people.” 

We cannot just aspire to love people, feel good feelings about them, etc. We must exercise our will and actions to follow. So it is with ourselves. However, we must come to this place on our own. God gave us free will after all. We must allow each other to come to these conclusions themselves. There is so much preaching to "better oneself". It is not that we must better ourselves, but that we must grow into our potential. After all, we are "gods and goddesses"

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” (Who else? C. S. Lewis)

So anyway, I would like to resolve, to write more, paint more, learn more, and study more... all under the realm of bringing in God's kingdom. And in order to make room for that. I'm canceling my Netflix (or severely shortening allowance for watching periods). I feel a great deal (being highly sensitive) and can no longer allow myself to numb it through escapism and fantasy. I must live in the real and now.

Block

Hullo my dear deserted WWWians (that's short for world wide webians)

I haven't forsaken you. Just taken a bit of a hiatus... or it's felt more like a Sabbatical. I've had time to rest and renew... and of course I've soaked up enough thoughts to expunge here.

I feel sort of bad for you. I started out this blog very logically and presentably. But as this blog was always for myself to practice and continue my writing/thinking... it became more of a crazy conglomeration of less provocative and professional (can those belong in the same sentence?) ramblings. Still, I feel somewhat braced because I have at least stayed authentic to myself. If I really wanted to be popular, I would fashion a blog that had more of a congruence to it. I would talk about current culture... fashion, food, gardening, or the like. But I'm afraid I'm much too scattered and full of life for that. I could never formulate too much routine in my life. In the end, I think I'm one of those demented arty types.

Hahaha. I have to confess, I finally got around to watching The Decoy Bride on Netflix... as I had been advised at least twice by my friends. That's where I'm endeavoring for some glue to hold this post together. As hard as I try not to be, I'm always half in love with the United Kingdom as a whole. At any rate, today was a day where I ended up on top of the roof. I'm rather fond of climbing on things. Always was. My mother used to refer to me as a monkey and had to resort to strapping me into the grocery carts. And my grandmother gradually stopped worrying about me perched precariously on things. Sorry rabbit trail. So I was sitting on the roof watching this magnificent sunset (it's the balmiest December ever), when I realized that living alone has been extremely good for my soul and creativity. I think I've had writer's block for quite some time (hence the subject title) and it's all other people's fault. Harsh. Just kidding of course.


I do think this period of isolation is giving me back some of my original imagination and creativity back (probably not entirely a good thing... since I used to pretend I was stuck on earth and Luke Skywalker was going to rescue me). I was quite a lonely child. I grew up without siblings around (as my sibling is quite elderly... I say that merely because it will make him quite grumpy even though he'll never actually read this). So I was that child... the one that talked to imaginary friends. It was my great solace to know that I could always be part of the inner circle at least in my own world. C. S. Lewis (still trending love for the UK) spoke brilliantly about a phenomenon called the Inner Ring. You can read about it here http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring.php

If you do your reading what I have to say next will make more sense, but even if you don't I imagine you can understand well enough what I'm referring to. I've always been lured by the desire to be part of the Inner Ring. It is a desire that I must break before it breaks me. For as Lewis says "As long as you are governed by that desire you will never get what you want. You are trying to peel an onion: if you succeed there will be nothing left. Until you conquer the fear of being an outsider, an outsider you will remain" Everyone struggles with this... some are more self-aware than others. I see it in my family, extended family, friends, generation, American culture, and especially in the rapidly burgeoning world of social media. It's a bit terrifying and it prompts me to want to ring the bells of warning.

But mostly I must ring them for myself. The difficulty in being creative... and also needing to be in the Inner Ring... is the risk of prostituting oneself for recognition. It is something I dread fearfully. I do not yet know how to tread the line of giving all of oneself without needing anything in return. I am still concave with longingness (grins). And perhaps this is a secret of the universe I will not know until I see the face of God. I just pray I will not fall trap to the hamster treadmill of *bootstraps achievement and acclaim. I want to create and belong... but not to create in order to belong. I do not want to be loved for what I can do, write, imagine, conjure up... but because I am who I am... even on terribly bad days where I have appalling writer's block or get irrationally mad at alcohol's existence.

*bootstraps refers to the idea that one has pulled oneself by one's own bootstraps... it does not play well with grace or humility.

Reflections

Photo credit: Me

Greetings lovely folks,

Frankly, it felt more like December in November... when this picture was taken. That reminds me... I wanted to share the "great phone miracle". Remember how I lost my snow in that crazy storm on the way to work? Well two weeks later, my parents got a call. A nice lady named Rachel had found the phone, across the street (where it had evidently been plowed), charged it up, and left a message. It's shockingly surprising both that an honest person found it and that it wasn't killed by being plowed across the street! I haven't gone back to using it, because it really is great to have a break from being glued to it... and it's so much more frugal! But I have to admit it gave me hope for greater things in my life. You know I've been in kind of a rut for a while. There are a culmination of things working against me. Sometimes it seems I'll be forever stuck in an unfulfilling state doing small things that don't seem to make any difference in the world.... or that I'll never survive this doctoral program I'm in. The miraculous recovery of the phone reminded me that things that are seemingly impossible (like a phone not getting completely obliterated by being plowed from one side of the road to the other) are not.

Anyway, I still have a killer two days to get through with defending my research proposal and also presenting it before our stakeholders to convince them to buy into it. But for now, I'm sitting peacefully in my living room, drinking honey sweetened chamomile tea, listening to my folk song mix, creating my yearly calendar gift for my brother and sister-in-law. It involves a lot of mindless exacting work... since I have to painstakingly stick on all the numbers... lol. Perhaps I should be practicing for my presentations, but it's good to take some time to be still.

I don't really feel like myself unless I'm creating something. Sometimes I feel like part of myself has been buried until people's negative accusations of myself or my emotions. Sometimes I even feel like one of those famous women poets who is going to go mad or end up in the grave too early. But that's not who I am. In the most lucid moments lit by God's life, I remember He created me to be someone who likewise creates... and creates life-giving situations, gifts, time, etc.  People often sense the spiritual side of me. Once I had a man come up and tell me the Holy Spirit was strong in me and he hoped I would pray over him. Sometimes I worry my spirit has been crushed by trouble. But this lonely season has been a time to regenerate that spirit. I needed it - the solitude. I've been too reliant on other people. I'm prone to depend on others and seek their approval. Somehow I forget that. I have to be reminded.

I feel like God is pulling me on the hand trying to draw me into a gleaming place of riches... and I am looking forward to seeing what he has in store. It is more hope than I have had in a few years. Solo deo gloria.

Upswing

Greetings dearly beloved cyberspacerians,

With honey chamomile in hand,

I would like to report a few things to treasure closely for darker days

1) A moment of rapturous glory. A lake of molten blue ruffled by a stiff breeze. Birds glimmering through a sky of softer sapphire - their white bellies capturing the light to reflect silver gleams. The strong pine tree and the startling white of the slender birch.

2) The warm hand of the sun to lean into and the whisper of how beloved I am

3) Remembering who I am and all that is possible. Remembering the taste of joy... and the laughter as it fills my mouth

4) Going to get my hair cut and getting a surprise hand massage in addition to the regular head and back relaxation treatment. Also, having multiple people work on me at one time (to get the job done on time) made me feel rather like a queen.

5) Being called beautiful in three different ways... once by the stylists over my hair, once by the receptionist as I paid about my smile, and once after I dressed up for dinner and actually did my makeup. After feeling (and seriously looking) like death all week, it was a treat.

Although one part of me struggles and thinks it's wrong to need words of affirmation... the other part of me realizes how much I've missed people appreciating parts of me. It may be superficial, but we all need to be admired and appreciated in various ways.

Charyn

My mother puts me to shame. She's had this horrifying sickness that she passed over to me on Thanksgiving Break. I know... I'm so thankful! (That's cynicism if you didn't catch it in the text). It's reduced me to taking work off which I know she never resorted to.  Granted, I called it pink eye which is highly contagious and of course I'm not allowed to work with pink eye as a nurse. So maybe my mom did have to quit work for a day or so. At any rate, it's one of those woeful lingering diseases. I'm not sure how she managed to put on Thanksgiving dinner and entertain my whole family while feeling this awful. But! In all the awfulness, I managed to finish the Lumatere series I never realized was a series.

In the last book, the characters bring out the phrase "seeing on the side of wonder". I think it's a fantastic concept. It reminded me to have hope even though it's been a rough week. The problem with having one's immune system down... is that one loses serotonin and endorphins by the gallon. I tried to exercise Monday because I felt someone tug on the plug to my Happy... but my body completely shut me down. Body 1: Lizzie:0. It was pretty ugly. Now I realize, it was because my body had all the troops rallied against Mr. Sap-sucking Disease.

At any rate, I've been in grad school for the last three years with the most ridiculous situation that repeats itself. If there's one thing that truly incites depression... it's feeling stuck. You can be trod on for so long... and then your spirit begins to lose hope. I've had a single continuing project for the last three years that keeps slamming in my face in the same manner. I feel alone, scared, inadequate, and confused most of the time. It's entirely depressing. But! Every day I'm one step closer to it being over. I may feel horrendously stuck, but I have to remind myself that there is a forseeable end. And. The real moral of the story is... there is always an end in sight. Most of us can keep that in mind. But some of us lose the ability to "see the side of wonder". We look at our surroundings and get trapped in our skins. We feel the sides of various oppression crushing in... and think "The only way out is death. Please let me go to sleep and never wake up". It is to you and sometimes myself, that I proclaim the truth! There is always a way out. And it is never death.

Sometimes you must forget yourself and allow someone to extract you from yourself. When you hover outside your skin... it is there you can see the bigger picture and know there is a way out. Sometimes, you need to stop fighting the immediate thing crushing you, and back away. You need to back out of the moment, the hour, the day, the week, the month, the year, the years.  This is the only way you'll be able to remember... Hope is always possible.

If Jesus really did rise from the dead... then life can come out of death
Health from sickness
Joy from despair
All the impossibles can be made possible

That's the good news. 

Serenity

I know I don't usually post on Sundays, because Sabbath is truly for rest.

But I'd like to just pop in a quick post to say I'm not always having drama! So bienvenidos... to the less wacky world of Liz. As I stated in the last post, part of the difficulty in being particularly articulate... is to be able to articulate the extensive experiences of me.

I could keep it all in, but I think that would be extremely unhealthy and rather dishonest. Believe me... sometimes I'd rather just quarantine myself and never let anyone in. But if we are to survive, we must continue to be in relationships. The problem is that communication is a tricky business. We do not go telling everyone everything we think about them. It would be mass chaos and many hurt feelings. However, if we don't speak certain truths, we will eventually explode. How we communicate is the key to every relationship.

I communicate too much of my overwhelming feelings. So... another reason to have a blog. I can communicate in excess and no one will be overwhelmed. It is a little bit embarrassing to be so freely known to a world of unknown beings. But at least I'm not hurting anyone this way.

Anyway, I didn't start this post to discuss this myself or my strange issues. I wanted to speak a few reminders that comfort me when I find myself despairing.

The truth of Christianity is found in the depths of despair, because we find how flimsy all that it is we have done with our hands.

I have nothing

No testimony without conflict

No purity untainted

No knowledge uncontested

Nothing but my faith

In you

My strength is not revealed in success

Or the list things I’ve done right

It is found when all I think I am

Is stripped away

And all that remains
Is you
As long as I have faith in you
You will fix the mistakes I have made
You will heal the wrongs I have done
You will bring to life what is dead
I do not need to be a force for good
I do not need to have the answers
I do not need to be a hero
All I need to be is someone who believes
In you

Life is a lot more simple and free when this is true.