Dirt Sledding...

In desperation:

Partially to get the kids outside in fresh air and doing something active

And partially because the need to sled is a truly desperate matter...

I took my niece and nephew sledding after an ice storm which unfortunately left only a dubious teaspoon of snow/slush on the ground

It quickly devolved into a sort of mud slide

Abject despair

Unlikely though it seems and despite the photo depicted, the adventure was a big hit. 

Proving that MGG and the Killers had the right idea with #dirtsledding

Because really.... no Christmas is complete without sledding
                                  
                                                        

                                  

                                                   

Dream a litte dream

Merry Christmas and happy holidays... and to those who can't feel merry or happy because of chemical imbalances... much love!

I woke up today on the couch... I was avoiding the neighbors who scream at each other so loudly from three houses down at 1 and 5 am that I wake out of a dead sleep. It's very exciting to be sleeping on your couch. It felt like a grand adventure... though I must admit I woke up several times because I rolled over into the side. Clonk! Klonk!? Clunk...

I then made myself an enormous brunch from leftover Christmas breakfast... omelette, fruit, and croissant with coffee seasoned with eggnog! It was heavenly to savor breakfast slowly. I'm so conditioned to wolfing down my food in 10 minutes or less. Yesterday I realized at 2000 after a day of work where I barely sat down to eat that I hadn't peed the entire day! Sorry TMI.

At church I bawled all through Joy to the World and most of the other Christmas songs. I have had a long season of arid spiritual desert without even realizing it. I haven't had a good writing journal and didn't realize I depended on it to stay in contact with God so much. It's also been rough trying to find a new church since my old one dissolved. Plus the season is always one full of tension with my extended family. It's odd and heartbreaking to sing practical hymns (old Christmas carols) with people who don't believe in Jesus Christ as their savior.

Anyway, as always I want to bring joyful tidings... since that is after all what Christmas is truly about. Whatever is holding you back... remember it does not have the last word! The light shines in the darkness... not to expose and shame you... but to show the way into freedom from whatever it is holding you back. There is no sin, no brokenness, no hurt that cannot be redeemed and saved and remade. Hope has the final word. Dream on.

A word on the ridiculous. On my run (because it is imperative to my mental health - and I can at least be disciplined about exercise), my dream included marrying someone rich and big-hearted and opening the Home for the Odd and Unusual Children: where we would go sledding no matter whether there was snow on the ground, grow gardens of epic proportions, only watch the Muppets, Reading Rainbow, and Mr Rogers (and only after reaching the age of at least 2), eat sushi, kale, and other weird vegetables, tell jokes endlessly, perform lots of magic tricks, explore and create endlessly, and of course nurture all the children know they were loved no matter what.

A word of reality. There would be lots of fighting. Lots of putting my foot down (which I'm not very good at). Lots of tears. Probably lots of calling my mom in a panic. And maybe even feeling liked a complete failure. But I still think it would be great.

Love, me

Hole in my Soul

Ello peoples,

I'm supposed to be going to bed early (according to what I told my mum on the telly - that's Britamerican for telephone...)

So naturally, I'm a ball of frenetic energy... wide awake.

It's probably all the screamo music I've been playing through... Evanescence, Linkin Park, now I'm on Lifehouse... Ok they're not so loud - but The Joke is.

Yup. It's one of those days. THE JOKE kind of day (google it... it's nicely suicidal) I haven't been this distraught in a while. Thankfully it's not related to relationships. I'm still ironclad and haven't allowed anyone near enough to make much of a dent.

But I had an awful, horrible, no good day, very bad day at work. Well two days really. And we're not really allowed to complain. I can never complain about anything. I can't complain to the patients. I can't complain to the person who made my assignment too heavy. I can't complain to my friends and violate HIPPA. And guess what happens when you cut off my ability to communicate? I get so frustrated I want to die. Not really... but I am supremely frustrated to the extent extremely loud music starring elegant screamers is therapeutic.

I don't like being put in places I can't make better. I have literal situations which are lose-lose. Either I keep people safe and endure heaps of abuse, or I please them - but have a sinking pit in my stomach because I know I'm a) enabling b) breaking some kind of safety rule c) contributing to poor health choices. It's like a death squeeze. I feel squished and stressed thinking about it now. I should go out for a run. But it's 12 am. In my job, I endure an obscene amount of abuse from HUMAN BEINGS. People are so entitled. Rich, poor, black, white, all of them. How am I ever going to be a mother?

I just want someone to protect me. Sometimes. It feels like I'm the ground being kicked over and over and over and I just want someone to lie over me. Too bad life isn't like the movies.

Because the days I need the most - and even ask for it... I seem to receive the least. It's the days I feel the most Eve-like. A sucking black hole of neediness. I cannot be filled. There's a hole in my soul. Can you fill it... can you fill it?

Sorry quoting my favorite

Dan Smith  #Bastille

Welp this was a cheerful post.

I suspect it's mostly on purpose (that I don't receive when I'm the neediest) Because generally what I need is not suppliable by human beings. You can't fill it. It's a hole in my SOUL. What I crave can't be met by encouragement or words of affirmation or even someone lying over me. Because someone has already throw themselves (all three of them) over me. Someone is already my savior. After I've worn myself out with the fury, I can kneel in the quiet (or against the screamo) and look in his eyes (figuratively) and feel the peace and rightness seep back into me.

Onto Switchfoot now. #Riseaboveit