My old arthritic cat just waddled over to me.
I'm at my parents house - on route to see the crazy kids. I've just finished one assignment and I'm debating on working on the dreaded scientific journal. I'm feeling so positive about everything that I will probably just dive into it. Motivation is a miracle.
What with critical staffing at work, a massive push toward finishing up grad school, and new influx of people to encourage, hang out with, write to etc... I haven't had much time to introspect. But in all reality, the main reason I haven't written is because the need to has diminished.
It's hard to determine whether it's because my ego has shrunk, I've learned forgiveness, I've finished processing and healed, I've lost motivation, or I've determined the project is a failure/not a priority... what a mess!
Now my kitty has meowed piteously, waddled over, and hopped into my lap. It's difficult to type with a cat and computer in your lap... especially when the cat keeps trying to lick you.
Basically, I analyzed culture and determined I've developed a false need to connect on a large-scale level. Back in the day, before social media, internet connections etc., people were happy to connect with the people in their neighborhood or community. It was enough to do good by the people you knew. Now that we know so much about everything going on in the world, those of us who are particularly compassionate are overwhelmed by all the needs. It doesn't feel like enough to do good by those we love - like friends and family. Even our jobs seem too small. It's not just the consumerism of bigger is better - it's impact: bigger is better. It's an accomplishment if the newspaper writes an article about you, or you get a paper published, or you write a novel, or you do a job that gets highlighted by the news. Or now - you develop a youtube series or post a message that goes viral.
Do you see what I mean? Things are dependent on likes and shares and greater impact. It's almost like you must become a celebrity to make a difference. This is completely untrue. I tell myself repeatedly... it is impossible to measure impact. But popular culture surrounds us so tightly now, it's difficult to untangle yourself from the emotions it causes. You can hardly open up any type of social media or even regular media without it subliminally affecting the way you view yourself, your purpose, your accomplishments etc.
Anyway, I've always dreamed of writing the immortal novel as Anne of Green Gables would say - and in this day and age I translated it to the immortal blog... haha. And perhaps I am just super lazy and under-motivated, but I've got so much real work to do - visiting my family, making sure my friends eat food when they're depressed, writing to lonely people in other countries - or even just lonely widowed family members, working grueling hours as a nurse when we're understaffed and picking up extra hours on top, writing and developing research projects and papers... I can barely motivate myself to eat dinner sometimes... let alone write an immortal blog.
Besides biblically speaking here, the end goal is not a legacy of good, but a legacy of presence - both with the Lord and with people. I may have a gift in writing. I may have things to say that would help a large amount of people. But timing is important too. The right thing at the wrong time is still wrong. So I've got to trust that if I am to write something to help others, I will be granted the time eventually. However, right now: my goal is today. Now. The people in front of me.
